Taking My Son On His First Turkey Hunt

I keep this blog mostly anonymous so that I can share details of my life that I don’t necessarily want my friends and neighbors to know. For instance, until last month I have never owned a shot gun.

I know you’re thinking, “big deal,” right? But understand that in my rural, mid-western world admitting you don’t own a shotgun is like admitting you think Depeche Mode is a sweet band; it doesn’t necessarily mean that your gay..but c’mon.

I'm gonna go ahead and "Enjoy the Silence" at full volume!!

I’m gonna go ahead and “Enjoy the Silence” at full volume!!

In the last decade I have begun to experience the joys of hunting. But it is something I have had to learn on my own. I didn’t grow up hunting. In fact, I never held a hunting rifle until I was almost thirty. I have had moderate success in deer hunting on our property, but the turkey have always escaped me.

"Gobble Gob- Hey fuck you! I'm trying to get laid here!"

“Gobble Gob- Hey screw you! I’m trying to get laid here!”

It is a different style of hunting. In Missouri, we hunt deer with a rifle and turkey with a shot gun. You can also use a bow and arrow for both. On the few times I’ve attempted to turkey hunt, I’ve had to borrow a gun which is about the most unmanly thing you do.

But I am now the proud owner of a Maverick Model 88 twenty gauge shotgun. I chose this specific gun for one reason; even my 12 year old son can handle it.

"Colbalt blue steel, walnut stock, with a hair trigger, s-mart top of the line this baby retails for about $185, shop smart shop s-mart.... YOU GOT THAT!!"

“Colbalt blue steel, walnut stock, with a hair trigger, s-mart top of the line. This baby retails for about $185, shop smart shop s-mart…. YOU GOT THAT!!”

Which brings me to the point of this post. My son has started showing interest in joining me in hunting. Since I am not a die hard hunter, I didn’t have him out in the tree stand with me when he was five years old. Lots of guys do, but for most of them, hunting is a way of life. Which is great. Not so much for me though.

A good friend of mine moved back to town this year and he has a son the same age. He has already been introduced to hunting by his grandfather so we decided to get together and take advantage of youth turkey season. In Missouri, kids under 16 get to hunt one weekend, ten days prior to the start of the regular season.

This hunt was destined to fail from the beginning. My friend has never hunted in his life, which means he knows less about what is going on than I do. But we get decked out in our camo, the two boys grab their shotguns (which are nearly as big as they are) and we head out into the woods about 2:30 in the afternoon.

It went about as we expected. Two twelve year old boys make a lot of noise even when they are invisible. But I’m not sure we adults were much quieter. After about 15 minutes we all agreed that we were just there to hang out and hope we see something cool.

And we did. A small deer suddenly appeared in the field about 20 yards away and just looked at us as he meandered along. That would have been the highlight of the day except my neighbors herd of cattle showed up about 4:00 and hung out about 40 yards away for the next hour.

"We scared off all the turkey for you. No need to thank us."

“We scared off all the turkey for you. No need to thank us.”

The boys spent the whole time playing “what if” scenarios with the cows. “What if that brown one with the red tag just ran right at us?” “What if the whole herd suddenly turned to zombies.” There were no cow attacks though. They just sat out there chewing grass until the got bored and went home.

Then finally, we saw a lone turkey. 250 yards away. If you aren’t familiar with turkey hunting, your goal is to get them in to about 30 yards. The boys suddenly got very excited and very quiet. We tried calling it to us, but of course it paid us no attention at all.

So the hunt was a bust, but I learned a few things this weekend.

1. My son does not care that I know little about hunting.

At 12 years old, he was just excited to dress up, get to hold a real weapon, and see some wildlife. The fact that I suck at turkey hunting didn’t bother him in the least.

2. Kids love experiencing nature.

My son is not an outdoorsman. We have to kick him out of the house sometimes to get him away from the books, the legos, the television, etc. But he was blown away by the sight of a deer standing close enough to hit it with a rock.

3. An enjoyable experience is more important that results.

We didn’t expect to get anything. We went out to have fun and in that, we succeeded. It went well enough that I will have no trouble talking him into joining me again in a few weeks when the regular season begins.

As much as I’ve enjoyed learning these skills as an adult, I can’t help but wonder how much my life would be enriched if I were exposed to them as a child. When my son is grown, I hope he looks back fondly on these days. We’ll make fun of each other about how horrible we were and I’ll remind him that he almost peed his pants the first time he saw a deer.


I Am Now A Certified Badass…Okay That Might Be A Slight Exaggeration

Our primary message here at the Big Dick Chronicles is “Go be awesome!” What sometimes gets left out of the equation is the companion message, “Go be humble!” You can brag about a lot of things, but being humble typically isn’t one of them.

Humbling stories generally aren’t the ones you want to tell in public, which is exactly why I’m going to tell you my most recent one.

(The next few paragraphs should be read with a deep undercurrent of sarcasm, otherwise you will come to the conclusion that I might be retarded.)

I have been a fan of martial arts since the days of my youth when Chuck Norris’ beard single-handedly conquered Cambodia. Since we were too poor for real lessons, my early training consisted of two hours of USA Networks Kung Fu Theater every Saturday afternoon. And then when I was 11, Jean Claude Van Damme released the ultimate at home training manual, Bloodsport.

This is considered a training manual in most developed countries.

You can find it in the “How To” section of your local library.

My point is that, even with no formal training, I consider myself fairly well versed in the ways of hand to hand combat. I wouldn’t call myself a badass, but that’s more a function of my self-deprecating nature.

(Okay, sarcasm off. That’s about all the bullshit I can handle.)

As I’ve mentioned before, my kids have been involved in Tae Kwon Do for almost six years now. This year, my twelve year old son got moved up to the adult class. Since I now have to be there for the adult class anyway, I decided to join them.

Stepping into this class has turned out to be quite the humbling experience. I’ve been there to help coach my two oldest children all the way to black belt level, but I am starting this class as a level one white belt. I am practicing the same forms and techniques that I helped teach my daughter when she was five.

Perhaps the hardest part is that I am prohibited from practicing any techniques or moves outside of my belt rank. When I spar with the other grown ups, I am limited to three types of kicks and no hands to the head. They joke that sparring me is like trying to play a Nintendo after years of playing an Xbox 360.

Perhaps hardest of all, my eight year old daughter got to break boards this week. I’m not even permitted to try.

How long has it been since you were brand new at something? More importantly, how long has it been since you were brand new at something and had to be tested on it?

Friday was my first test to move up in rank. There is one other white belt in our class, a thirteen year old named Caleb. He was my partner for all of the demonstrations we had to do.

He's like a fluffy little polar bear!

He’s like a fluffy little polar bear!

This is where you have to decide if an experience is going to humbling or humiliating.
I won’t lie; there was a moment when this process seemed a bit humiliating. I’m a grown ass man putting myself in front of a panel of judges, being evaluated on the same criteria as a 13 year old.

But isn’t that part of the test? No matter what your station in life, no matter how important you think you are, if you walk into a Tae Kwon Do class, you start as a white belt.
Being able to set aside your ego and let yourself be open to instruction is a vital part of the process.

I had a great time at the test. My main goal for the night was to keep encouraging my little white belt buddy. He was nervous as hell. Looking at it from his perspective, I’m pretty impressed by him. He was being judged on the same criteria as this obviously awesome Chuck Norris clone.

If I could grow a beard, I'd probably take over the world.

If I could grow a beard, I’d probably take over the world.

Once we have established ourselves as adults, nothing takes us out of our comfort zones quite so fast as being “new” again. I don’t particularly like feeling incompetent, but I also don’t  like thinking that I was too weak to put myself in that position.

So if you feel like you could use a good dose of humility, I encourage you to go learn something brand new. It is even more effective if there are a bunch of little kids involved who know more than you do.

On Being A Father To A Daughter

As a child, my musical world consisted almost entirely of 80’s country. Don’t be concerned, my therapist says I’m making great progress.

A song titled “That’s My Job” by Conway Twitty had a real, emotional impact on me back then. It was released in 1987 when I was ten years old. I won’t bore you with the entire lyrics, but it opens with a young boy having a bad dream that his father had died. He gets scared and wakes his dad and says,

“Daddy, I’m so afraid. How could I go on with you gone that way? Don’t want to cry anymore, so may I stay with you?’

And he said, ‘that’s my job. That’s what I do. Everything I do is because of you, to keep you safe with me. That’s my job you see.'”

I have always had a great relationship with my dad and this song always runs through my head when I think about the type of father he has been. The damn song still makes me cry.

A couple of days ago, my ten year old daughter woke up about half an hour early, walking into the living room with a troubled look on her face. After asking “What’s wrong, honey?” and no responses, I got up, put my arm around her and walked her over to the couch. We sat down and she curled herself into a ball in my lap.

I asked again, “Is everything okay?”
“I had a dream that something bad happened to you and they took me away from you.” She then proceeded to cry, curled up in my lap with my arms wrapped around her. A few minutes later, she was fine.

I, on the other hand, was not.

My life has come full circle. I’m now the father in that song and I’m not sure what to think about that. Even more frightening, I am raising two daughters; which, full disclosure here, I’ve never been a daughter. I’m not sure exactly how all that is supposed to go.

I realize nothing I can do will guarantee that my daughters grow up to have a good life, but I am slowly figuring out that these pre-teen years are pretty significant. I am the most important male in their life right now. Sometime in the next few years, some teenage boys are going to come along and try to take my place. Right now, they still think I walk on water and I better make the most of that.

The best I can figure, I need to give them the rated G version of how I treat their mother. They need to know that I think they are beautiful, that I love curling up with them to watch a movie. I laugh with them, tease them, encourage them. I can see the excitement on their faces when I drop in on them in their rooms, just to ask them what they are doing. And then listen to them.

Last night, my eight year old asked me to come to her room and watch a movie with her. We curled up on her tiny bed and watched “The Book of Life”. About halfway through, the other one came in and joined us. It was a tight fit, but we managed. The movie was nothing special, but it was absolutely the best use of 90 minutes on a Friday evening.

I feel like I have to careful not raise two spoiled princesses, so I don’t mind being the disciplinarian in our home. But sometimes it feels like I’m beating them with a stick when all I did was give them my “I’m disappointed” look.

What an amazingly fragile time in a young girl’s life. Scares the hell out of me, to be honest.

I want to enjoy these days. I still get to tuck my girls in every night. They are still young enough to want a kiss on the lips. If anyone remembers that cheesy song from the mid-90’s “Butterfly Kisses”, I know the day is coming when they are going to say, “You know how much I love you, Daddy, but if you don’t mind I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”

God, they are growing up fast.

Speaking of growing up, I pulled off some ninja level “Daddy’s intuition” today.

My ten year old had asked her mom if they could go shopping. She’s outgrowing most of her clothes and wanted some new outfits. My wife decided to make a day of it, hitting several different stores and making sure they got everything on her list that they could find.

They got home, showed me all the new clothes and then I called my daughter over.

“Before I ask my question, what is my rule about lying?”
“You get in more trouble for lying than for whatever it was you lied about.”
“Okay, so I’m going to ask you one time…who are you trying to look pretty for?”
I’m smiling as I ask this. I tell you that because I didn’t want you to imagine me using my mean voice.

“Umm, well, I want to look nice for the other kids at school..”(cheesy grin)“But also…there’s this boy who always comes to summer school and we hang out and we talk a lot and I kinda wanted to look pretty for him, too.”

I just smiled and gave her a big hug and told her thank you for telling me the truth. In the background, my wife says, “What! I didn’t know anything about a boy!”

I cupped her face, looked down at her and said, “Remember, I’m your daddy. I just know these things.”

How To Be A Coffee Snob…Without Being A Pretentious Jerk

I love coffee.
My affair with this miracle drink began when I was about seven years old. My grandparents kept a pot of coffee brewed all day long and anytime I spent the weekend at their home, my brother and I would get to drink all the coffee we could handle.

More accurately, we would have a little coffee with our sugar and milk. I bet we poured equal portions of coffee and sugar in each cup. It was like drinking warm candy and I remember it fondly to this day.

I bet you remember your first introduction as well. We seem to develop an affection for coffee that is unlike any other caffeinated drink. Do you remember your first Coca-Cola? Probably not. How about your first glass of tea? Nope? Me either.

But eventually, we become so attached to our coffee that we start to become..well, a bit of a snob.

She's drinking coffee from a white cup...amateur.

She’s drinking coffee from a white cup…amateur.

More than ever before, our love of coffee is defining our personalities. Truckers turned coffee into a convenience store staple. Starbucks turned coffee into a status symbol for the yuppie suburban crowd. Hipsters turned coffee into its own culture, complete with a sneering disdain for anyone who can’t quote the source origin for their “obviously not fair trade” McCafe coffee beans.

I’m gonna stop right there. Do I really need to spend a thousand words confirming that coffee snobs really do exist? Of course not. You know what they look like. Do I need to devote half an article to explaining why it’s perfectly okay to hate them? That might be a lot of fun, but it really isn’t my point.

I’m here to tell you how to be a better type of coffee snob; the non-pretentious asshole kind.

Example- Pretentious asshole coffee snob.

Example- Pretentious asshole coffee snob.

I will start by telling you that I too consider myself a coffee snob, but I’m going to establish my “non coffee snob” credentials.

1. I don’t drink espresso.
2. When I go to a coffee shop, I order straight black. No “Grande, Quad, Nonfat, One-Pump, No-Whip, Mocha”. If you can translate that order, get the hell off my site. Seriously.
3. I don’t own a Keurig. I don’t use flavored creamers.
4. 90% of the time, I drink Folgers. From a travel mug. With a straw.

To be fair, it is a Starbucks mug..so there's that.

To be fair, it is a Starbucks mug..so there’s that.

Now that I’ve established that I am the least qualified coffee snob in history, let me tell you why we’re here. I’m going to show you how to become a first class coffee snob on a shoestring budget.

If you actually enjoy waiting in line for 15 minutes and spending $4 on a cup of coffee from Starbucks, I won’t stop you. But what if I told you that for less than .25 a cup and ten minutes of your time you could enjoy a fresh roasted, fresh brewed cup of premium Ethiopian Yirga cheffe coffee in your own home?

Let me introduce you to the world of home roasting.

Somehow, I can remember drinking coffee with my grandparents thirty years ago, but I can’t tell you what sparked my interest in home roasting. I must have read an article somewhere and thought “Wait, is that even a thing?!” If coffee shops spend thousands of dollars on equipment just to brew coffee, surely it takes at least that much to roast it, right?

Not so, my friends, not so.

Regardless of what sparked my interest, it was the cost factor that drove me to give home roasting a try. For all the high brow intellectual sophistication of coffee shops, coffee roasting basically comes down to high heat and movement. Both of which can be accomplished with nothing more complicated than a popcorn popper.


Standard popcorn maker...

Standard popcorn maker…

Half a cup of green coffee beans....

Half a cup of green coffee beans….

Into the popcorn maker...

Into the popcorn maker…

and...voila! Fresh roasted coffee beans.

and…voila! Fresh roasted coffee beans.

Roasting your own gourmet coffee requires just a few simple items; a popcorn popper, a high temp thermometer, a jar with a lid and some green coffee beans. As you can see, I’m doing this outside. It does produce a small amount of smoke and chaff as the beans roast.

It’s that easy. In ten minutes you will be halfway to heaven.

Only halfway though. Now you have to be patient.

Your freshly roasted gourmet coffee will smell so good that you will be tempted to want to grind it immediately, but be strong! Once the beans are roasted, they will continue to break down, releasing the oils that create that wonderful coffee flavor. Let it set at least overnight and plan to enjoy your gourmet home roasted coffee in the morning.

You can find these popcorn makers anywhere. The Westbend Poppery 2 is a popular choice because it vents on the side which prevents chaff from falling onto the heat elements.

Green coffee beans can be purchased online or even at some local coffee shops.

sweetmarias.com has great tutorials in addition to selling supplies.

coffeegeek.com is a great online forum for all things coffee.

You can pick up a sample pack that includes several different beans from all over the globe. You will quickly discover your favorites. With the sheer variety of beans available and a wide range of roast temperatures to try, you’ll never get bored.

The world is full of coffee snobs who know how to drink a good cup of coffee. I encourage you to be the kind of coffee snob that can make a great cup of coffee.


Top 5 Female Fantasies #2. Female domination/Female worship

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of G.I. Joe. I watched the cartoon daily and had several toys that I played with all the time.

Like most young males growing up in the 80’s, I was acutely aware of this leather clad super villainess known as The Baroness. Even though I looked forward to her appearances on the tv show, I never bought a Baroness action figure. I guess even then I realized that there was a thin line between…

Kids toy

Kids toy


Sex toy

Sex toy

The dominatrix look is synonymous with sexy, and men are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. In fact, anything involving heels and full body leather gets our heart racing.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

Oh, my apologies. I’m supposed to be talking about women’s fantasies, not mine.

Wait, I am talking about your fantasies.

We aren’t the only ones who get off on the idea of a strong, sexy, seductive woman. It is a role that women often desire to play.

1. Defining the fantasy

Number two on our list of top 5 female fantasies is “female worship/female dominance”. While these sound like opposite ends of the spectrum, they do exist on the same spectrum, which is based on feminine power. Whether that means being such an overwhelming sex goddess that men throw themselves at your feet, or wielding your power (literally) like a whip, the basis for dominance fantasies is a sense of control.

On one end you have the Cleopatra style “sex goddess” lounging on the bed while a room full of men built like Chris Hemsworth fan you with palm leaves and feed you grapes.

I'll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

I’ll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

While the fantasy may not actually involve ancient Egyptian themes, the concept stays the same. They cater to your every desire with slavish devotion. On this end of the spectrum, the men willingly subjugate themselves with only one desire; your complete fulfillment and pleasure.

But sometimes we’re bad boys who need to be taught a lesson.

Sometimes we rowdy men need to be brought under control. And that takes a stern task mistress. The dominatrix fantasy focuses on the explicit, overt use of power and control. It’s bending men to your will through restraint, punishment, and even humiliation.

Oh, and knowing they are rock hard; dying to screw you the entire time.

2. What drives the fantasy?

Ladies, you know men want to have sex with you, right? As I noted in the introduction post, our fantasies are quite simple; sex with anything that doesn’t have a penis. (Que up the what about “people of Wal-Mart” rebuttal. Yes, but that exception only proves the rule.)

I realize there are logistical reasons why you might choose not to indulge us, but it is intrinsic to our nature, and yours, that we want to have sex with you. But that pesky thing called life gets in the way and you make decisions about settling down and devoting yourself to a partner and so on.

So life happens and maybe you aren’t feeling quite like the seductive sex goddess you used to be. This is your opportunity to be that amazing succubus you’ve been dying to prove still exists.

Female Worship
One of the best quotes I found on this topic came from an anonymous poster in an article- “I want my husband to romanticize me.”
Or, if you prefer a quote from someone famous; author Madame de Stael said it this way, “The desire of the man is for the woman. The desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

That sums it up well doesn’t it? Women want to know that that they still have the power to sway the men in their lives. You want to know that you are worth the effort for your partner to go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy you.

According to sex researchers Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, that is the appeal of romance novels.
“If the male is so enamored of a woman that he’ll do anything to make her his own, if he’s “enslaved” by his boundless passion, then who, after all, is in charge of the relationship?”

The damsel in distress story line ultimately becomes about a man so in love with the damsel that he risks life and limb for her salvation.

Let’s talk about a current medium where you might not expect female worship to pop up.

If you listen to country music (and you probably don’t) you may have noticed a trend in a lot of the top songs lately. My wife thought I was crazy when I brought it up. “Oh, look. Another country song about how awesome it is to be out drinking beer in the country on Friday night with a beautiful woman.”

I didn’t think much of it until a new song came out called “A girl in a country song” which makes fun of the idealized women portrayed in this new genre of country music. It seems they even have a name for this cookie cutter music style; Bro Country.

Apparently a lot of the country music commentators were upset at the generally misogynistic lyrics that show up in Bro Country. They do boast some thought provoking, heart felt lyrics like, “Slide your pretty self over here, and hand me another beer.”  Deep stuff.

But the critics missed a crucial point. The female fans eat this shit up!

These songs are basically female worship. Let’s look at a few more lyrics;

“Yeah, when I first saw that bikini top on her
She was poppin’ right out of the South Georgia water
Thought, “Oh, good lord, she had them long tanned legs!”
Couldn’t help myself so I walked up and said
Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise”

Now, if you aren’t familiar with the song (and you probably aren’t), that is the opening line to, Cruise, the song that spent 24 weeks at the top of the country charts, the longest run in Billboard Charts 50+ year history.

And women love the band, Florida Georgia Line. Take a look at the photos on their Facebook page. What do you see? A lot of very normal women who love to hear these men sing about being hopelessly in love.

But they are not alone. How about this offering from Chase Rice’s “Ready Set Lets Roll”
Damn pretty girl you went done it again
You’ve gone and turned your sexy all the way up to 10
I’ve never seen a side ride seat looking so hot
Baby, you rock, hit the spot like a fireball shot
You’ve got me all high, head spinning around and around
I’m down if you’re down to burn down this town”

Or how about this one from Tyler Farr’s “Whiskey in My Water “(because I like to belabor the point)
Cause when the sun goes down it’ll get a little hotter
Make an old boy’s heart beat a little harder
I know I can’t lose cause it’s going down smooth tonight, baby
One ain’t enough man may I have another Sitting ’round the fire gettin’ drunk on each other
Every day I pray I thank God I got her She’s the moon in my shine, the whiskey in my water”

Did I mention that women eat this shit up? Because I wasn’t kidding.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

The idea of these hunky, tattooed country bad boys being enamored with a sexy seductive woman is a sure fire fantasy starter for a lot of ladies.

The Dominatrix
I’m not going to spend much time on this one. I don’t have any problem with it, but I’m not convinced that my readers are that interested.

The dominatrix fantasy is about the overt use of power to control a man. In contrast to the female worship fantasy where the man chooses to devote himself through his actions, the dominatrix fantasy focuses on the man submitting himself to the will of the woman.

The appeal is in the power derived from having a man completely at your disposal. No matter what punishment you hand out to him, he’s going to take it, such is his devotion to you.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
Gentleman, I’m going to start by telling you a secret.

Women who feel sexy…want to have more sex.

That is all. Thank you, and good night.

If you didn’t already know this…I suggest you go back and start at the beginning of the blog.

Okay, seriously though. Your partner needs to feel sexy. She needs to know that she can bring you to your knees with her sex appeal. I don’t care how alpha you think you are, she wants to know that she is capable of making you lose control.

You may not be completely comfortable with this idea.  My wife and I have an agreement; I can’t deny a request for something I’ve asked her to indulge in. But some things…I just hope she never asks.

If she ever came to me and said she wanted to tie me up, I’m going to say yes in a heart beat. She submits herself to me when we’re in the mood and I’m man enough to do the same. This isn’t something she has ever expressed interest in, and I’m relieved at that because it would scare me to see where she might take it.

But I very much enjoy giving her the “hungry wolf” eyes; that look that says I can’t wait to devour her. And she loves it. Since the core of the female dominance fantasy is the expression of female seduction, let your wife know that you are able to be overpowered by her presence. Don’t forget to offer up an appreciative comment or look. Let her know that you are willing to go to great lengths to satisfy her.

Ladies. Don’t be afraid to turn on the charm. I realize that takes a certain level of trust, and your greatest fear is looking like Cathy Bates

Seduction fail.

Seduction fail.

but just keep reminding yourselves, we want to have sex with you. You can talk us into quite a lot, especially if you are naked.

But beware, it isn’t without its pitfalls. One of the problems with the female dominance fantasy is that does dampen the naturally aggressive nature of the men. While it might be fun to fantasize about men fawning all over you, in reality, women want to have sex with men who are worth having sex with. Turning your man into a crawling, sniveling toy who will lick your shoes on command might sound intriguing, but you might find it difficult to be attracted to him afterwards if it goes too far.

The female dominance fantasy is a great outlet for expressing your desire to be desired. It’s the starting point for exploring new ways to seduce your man. Make him drool over you and if you’re feeling randy, smack him on the ass.

A Day In The Life Of Something I Know Nothing About: Vegans

Let’s talk about meat. No, not that. You guys think all I write about is sex, but that’s not true. Those are just the only articles you read. Don’t argue with me; I read the stats.

I’m talking about food meat.



Our mantra here at the Big Dick Chronicles is “live life like you are in charge” and sometimes that means making decisions that don’t necessarily conform to the norms of society and culture.

For our fourth installment of the “Things I Know Nothing About” series, I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit and explore something that I might fundamentally disagree with.

So I thought about some of the things I am passionate about. I’m passionate about sex and I am passionate about meat. (NO! Not that meat. Really you guys, stop it)

So, in my efforts to expand my horizons and open my mind to new points of view, I set out in search of a Vegan.

I’ll be honest; I was expecting this to be difficult. We all know what Vegans are like, right?

You know them when you see them.

You know them when you see them.

And I’m supposed to reach out to this chick and say, “Hey, I write The Big Dick Chronicles and I want to talk to you about meat.

Yep. Saw that one coming.

Yep. Saw that one coming.

But that’s not what happened. Let me introduce you to the real face of Vegan.

Hi. Whoa, what?

Hi. Whoa, what?

Say hello to Scott McNamara. Scott is the author of the Off Road Vegan blog which has the great tag line, “Not all vegans drive hybrids and wear skinny jeans.”

God bless you, Scott.

As soon as I saw his blog, I knew my search was over. I reached out to Scott to find out just what the hell this Vegan stuff was all about.

1. Tell me a little about yourself and how you were introduced to the Vegan worldview.
I grew up mostly in Connecticut and Vermont, eventually moving around as a nomad, following career opportunities (Project Management and consulting). I lived in Connecticut, Vermont, California, Colorado, Alaska, Hawaii, Florida, and now call Portland, Oregon home. I think this is where I will spend a good deal of my time.

I was introduced to veganism in a really cool way. My wife and I were driving around Cooper Landing, Alaska and stopped to have lunch. I ordered a beef burger. After lunch, we stumbled on a small mountain festival in a field. One of the tents there was for the Alaska Wildlife Alliance. In speaking with them, I learned I wanted to work for them. After a few weeks of negotiations, I soon became a project manager for AWA. Once there, my eyes were opened to the whole animal rights issues plaguing our society. I almost immediately became vegetarian (I remember my wife and I throwing away all our meat one day) and over time transitioned to veganism. It was the best choice I ever made in my life, and happened completely by happenstance.

I look for opportunities to applaud people who make the decision to live life on their own terms. A survey by Vegetarian Times found that approximately 3 percent of the US population identified as vegetarian and approximately .5 percent (1 million) identified as Vegan. By comparison, approximately 6% of the population hunt.

(I point that out simply to note that those who abstain from meat, and those who are willing to secure their own, both exists in small minorities compared to the general population)

That is definitely choosing to live your life by your own rules. Scott takes that one step further and flips the Vegan stereotype on its head.

2. For you personally, how would you define “Vegan”?
Vegan is considered by many to be a diet. For me it is a life. It is a commitment. It is swallowing the blue pill. Once you uncover the truths of veganism, you can never get your ignorance back. That is a pretty life-long commitment. It is reading every label. It’s knowing what you can order when your friends drag you to steakhouse. It’s knowing how to answer the stupid questions about protein and desert islands. It’s being able to take countless jokes and comments from friends and family. But we all do it for the best reasons.

I learned quickly that Vegan is a concept that takes on a very specific meaning to different people. But just to set a baseline, I went to Vegan.com to find their definition.
“The word vegan refers to a food or material free from any animal products: no meat, milk, eggs, honey, wool, goose down, or leather. Animal-derived byproducts, from whey to lard to gelatin, are likewise off the table. Vegans typically also go out of their way to avoid cosmetics that are tested on animals.”

I was not aware of the connection between Vegans and toiletries, make up, and other products that are animal based or animal tested. Click here for more information.

I tried to imagine the level of dedication needed to remove these products from your life.

3. What type of lifestyle adjustments did you have to make upon becoming a Vegan?

Of course, the easy ones – I got rid of meat and dairy. I stopped buying leather and wool. I started reading labels on shampoo. But for me the biggest adjustments were in the evangelism…I never knew I would love veganism so much. It’s fun being the outcast, the one that tries to convince your steakaholic friend to eat a soy curl.

As I said, it isn’t necessary for me to agree with Mr. McNamara in order to appreciate that he’s making a decision to live life on his own terms.

Okay, back to stereotypes. Scott has made a point of thumbing his nose at conventional wisdom and I wanted to find out how that felt.

4. Let’s discuss stereotypes. What type of reaction do you get when you tell people you are a Vegan? What misconceptions do you face?

The typical reaction I get is “Wait….YOU are vegan!?” And that, to me is the biggest compliment. Vegans typically have a militant/hippy/preachy stereotype attached to them. And part of why I started my blog (www.offroadvegan.com) is to help shed those stereotypes. I own many guns, I am an avid offroader, and am always told I don’t fit the vegan mold. We, as vegans, need to work hard on changing our image if we truly want veganism to become more mainstream.

Most misconceptions are that all I eat is “tofu and granola.” On a recent week-long jeeping adventure along the Rubicon Trail, my friend Jason (a carnivore), ate vegan for the week. I think he was surprised with the meals and enjoyed many of them.

Now, let’s be fair. Stereotypes exist, in part, because they are true. Scott readily admits that he is in the minority, even among minorities. Our focus here isn’t on whether I agree or disagree with the Vegan philosophy. I applaud what Scott is doing because he is working hard to be true to himself and his beliefs.

The last thing I wanted to know, is this actually good for you?
5. What benefits have you experienced since becoming a Vegan?
I have lost weight for sure. But I am not always the “healthiest” vegan in the room. I don’t eat a ton of salads and almonds for lunch. I prefer a Buff Burrito from Homegrown Smoker, a BBQ jackfruit sammy from Native Foods, or my ultimate fav – the Buffalo Bomber from Veggie Grill.

The most significant benefit for me is the emotional side of things. I don’t care if you eat meat – but if you know the suffering we inflict on innocent animals and still eat them – that is bullshit. While billions of turkeys are living in their own filth and being treated in inconceivably horrific ways, I am enjoying a Thanksgiving free of cruelty and the associated ignorance. For me, that is bliss. Knowing I am doing my best for the animals, the planet, and myself.

I also really enjoy the confidence that comes with being vegan. Any time you voluntarily subject yourself to jokes and comments from people…and sign yourself up for that, there is a confidence there. You grow thick skin and smile to yourself. I have come to really enjoy that unknown aspect of being vegan, and is partly why the blog works so well for me.

Okay, so where do I stand on this issue? Let me say again that I don’t think it is necessary to agree in order to enjoy exploring someone else’s point of view. I personally hold the position that the best way to protect an endangered species is to commercialize its production (how long would the common chicken last in the wild? And yet we’ve got billions of them). But I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me on that.

I understand his points on the commercial food industries, I’ve pointed out before my distaste for cattle lots. But I am also the only non-farmer on my road. I am surrounded by some of the best stewards of our natural resources that you will ever meet. And they work with pride in a way of life that has been passed down to them for generations.

I’ve spent my time in the poultry factories. You don’t have to be crazy to spend 8 hours a day killing chickens; you just have to be hungry. Several hundred employees, and their families, in my small hometown would suffer if those jobs didn’t exist.

I’ve told you about my moral dilemma when I shot a deer and was not able to find it. I don’t want to be that guy that wantonly kills an animal and leaves it. That turned out okay, by the way. He lived and I took him during rifle season a month later.

I appreciate the opportunity to put a face to an issue that I am completely unfamiliar with. And it was fun conversing with a guy who is arguably manlier than me; he drives a Wrangler with big tires,

Where there's a will, there's a road...

Where there’s a will, there’s a road…

I drive a Grand Cherokee with 290,000 miles. I also suspect he has a larger gun collection than I do.

I...don't have one of those.

I…don’t have one of those.

So the next time someone offers you a vegetarian dish,

That actually looks really good.

That actually looks really good.


give it a try. Unless it’s a dude in skinny jeans, then slap him. But not for the food, for the skinny jeans.

Top Five Female Fantasies: 1. Sex with a Stranger

A reader, who shall remain anonymous because it will piss her off :), offered the following critique of my previous post;

Omg there are so many words where is the fun stuff???
More words


Sigh. You ladies are some hard taskmasters.

So, we’re coming out of the gate strong on this one.
Take a look at this video.

You just observed ten pairs of total strangers meet for the first time, undress one another, then climb into bed.

Would you do this? I bet most of you would not.

But you sure as hell fantasize the shit out of it.
Sex with a stranger tops the list of most common female fantasies time and time again. In one study by The Journal of Sex Research, 80% of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other that their husband while having sex. They also reported that 30% of all their fantasies involved sex with someone other than their partner.

And we’re going to try to figure out why.

To keep some consistency to this project, we’re going to break each topic down into three parts; 1. Defining the fantasy. 2. What drives the fantasy? 3. Can it improve your relationship?

1. Defining the fantasy
What constitutes a stranger?

Technically speaking, Sex with a Stranger includes anyone who is not your current partner, taking place in any setting. Now you can see why this tops the list so often. The variations on this fantasy are endless. Sex with a Stranger can range from totally anonymous………,

one night stand

to people who are an important part of your daily life….



And that’s where the difficulty comes in.

Could you admit to your partner that you fantasize about your favorite actor with no negative consequence? Probably.
Could you admit to him that you fantasize about his brother? Less likely.

This brings us back to the guilt factor and lack of communication. Fantasizing about strangers is almost as universal as masturbating, but we still feel the need to lie about it. Even though 90% of us think about it, half of us say it’s wrong.

So how do you open about a topic that nearly all of us participate in, but nobody wants to talk about? You try to understand its origins.

2. What drives this fantasy?
I love doing research. Sometimes it confirms what you already thought was true. Sometimes it catches you by surprise.

Why do women fantasize about strangers?

They do it for the rush.
Do you remember those early days of your relationship when it felt like you were “crazy in love”? Well, you were. Your brain was so jacked up on hormones and chemicals that you couldn’t think straight if your life depended on it.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

The introduction of a new relationship (or even the thought of it) gets the testosterone, adrenaline, and dopamine coursing through your system. These chemicals want to turn your body into a lust fueled sex machine.

When you casually flirt with the single dad at your kids soccer game, his response sends a surge of chemicals through your body that you cannot control. When you’re lying in bed at night, your body wants more. So you re-live the experience. You achieve orgasm, which is the equivalent of shooting up with dopamine, and it continues to strengthen the mental connection between you and your stranger.

Here is another video for you-

The physical response is immediate. The arousal began as soon as they touched. Adrenaline and testosterone begin coursing through their bodies and they were immediately willing to explore each other. The touch, or even the thought, of a stranger can induce some extremely intoxicating fantasies.

It’s a chance to explore new or unrealistic scenarios.
My Scottish accent sucks. My wife has been quite clear that a good Scottish accent is an instant panty dropper. But even with this promise of bountiful sex, I just don’t have it. So if she’s in the mood for a thick Scottish brogue, she’s just going to have to make it up.

"All you have to do is close your eyes...."

“All you have to do is close your eyes….”

Sex with a stranger is a natural outlet for all those ideas that will never work in real life. You want a rendezvous with a medieval knight? Close your eyes and let the film roll. Sex with a vampire? Why not. If you can think it, you can fantasize about it. So have at it.

But there is a utilitarian component to this as well. Let’s say you are considering a dominance fantasy. Assuming your partner doesn’t know the first thing about what you want or need, your fantasy is going to involve someone with expert skills. It allows you the chance to explore the scenario in controlled setting before you make the risky move of bringing it up in real life.

It’s a chance to let loose.
This is the most common reason women fantasize about strangers. It isn’t so much about wanting another person, it’s about the possibility of doing the unthinkable. It’s about indulging the deepest of your depraved desires with someone you’ll never see again.

All those desires you think will scare your partner? They don’t scare the stranger. And even if they do, so what? You’ll never see them again. The stranger fantasy is about no strings attached fucking. For most women, the person doesn’t matter. The stranger is irrelevant. It’s the scenario that matters. It’s about indulging your desires without judgment.

Consider this quote, ““At restaurants, I always fantasize about having a quickie in the bathroom with the best-looking waiter,” says Sasha, 29. “I love the notion of spontaneity combined with the idea that it’s someone I’ll never see again. It seems like the freedom to be as dirty as you want.” 

Which brings up the obvious question, “why does it have to be a stranger?”

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
You may not be in a position to tell your partner that you fantasize about other people, but perhaps you can talk with them about the why.
Most of the appeal of the stranger fantasy is the desire for something new.
That doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. It doesn’t even have to mean that you are dissatisfied. It simply means you are willing to extend your boundaries and explore more of what life has to offer you.

Seriously, get to reading.

Seriously, get to reading.

And with rare exceptions, your partner wants to explore with you. And guess what? He wants you dirty. That fantasy you have about giving a stranger a blowjob in the bathroom of a night club? Your partner would love to join you for that experience. Though, in reality, you may have to settle for the back seat of your car, parked securely in the garage. Reality tends to get in the way of the perfect moment.

Let’s take a quick look at our three “why” categories again.

The rush.
It doesn’t take a stranger to evoke the rush. Time has a way of diluting the dopamine reaction to your partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Dopamine equals lust and lust equals physical attraction.

If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, it is time to speak up. We men aren’t very good at taking hints, but we are pretty easily persuaded. We can be persuaded to dress better. We can be persuaded to get in shape. We can be persuaded to improve. And I know you ladies can be very persuasive.

I left out one key piece of information regarding the top fantasies. While nearly everyone thinks of strangers on occasion, the single most common thing women fantasize about is sex with their current partner.

It turns out that one you want is the one you’ve got. If it’s the rush you’re after, spend time talking with your partner. Figure out what you need to do to bring the attraction back into your relationship.

Exploring new scenarios
We men really are not as boring as we seem. We are sometimes ruled by inertia, though. You know, an object at rest and all that. But our inertia is sometimes nothing more than a lack of communication. We’re certainly not bringing up the bondage scenario, but we would do back flips if you even hinted at the idea.

It may not be fair, but the truth is, women are usually the moderating force when it comes to sex. What I mean is, anything you can fantasize about, we’ve been there and done that to the power of ten. All we’re waiting for is your approval. If we ever find out that you are on board with our fantasies, we’ll be off the couch in a heartbeat.

But we naturally assume that you aren’t because we can come up with some messed up shit (wife/her sister nude cupcake baking, mmm). Yeah, I’m probably not getting that one. But that’s my point. My wife is the moderating force. Well, and her sister. I guess we should probably give her some say in the matter.

Unless you’ve actually approached the topic of exploring your fantasies and been shot down, I’m going to ask you to be open minded and consider reaching out to your partner.

Letting loose.
This almost sounds redundant to the previous post, but not exactly. The stranger fantasy is often about indulging in yourself, even more than exploring role playing.

Here is a quote from a clinical sexologist, Hernando Chaves, “Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control,” Chaves said. “People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it’s OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment.”

I’m going to keep stressing, we’re more depraved than you are.
And if not, refer back to my comment from the Introduction post. Bring up your fantasies during a blow job. Men are much more open to objectionable ideas when we’re heavily aroused. Science backs me up on this point.

I admit to none of these.

I admit to none of these.

The stranger fantasy does not have to mean discontent in your relationship. Ideally, it’s the starting point for opening the doors to communicating.

Unless you really are just interested in your brother in law. Probably best keep that one to yourself.