Top 5 Female Fantasies #2. Female domination/Female worship

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of G.I. Joe. I watched the cartoon daily and had several toys that I played with all the time.

Like most young males growing up in the 80’s, I was acutely aware of this leather clad super villainess known as The Baroness. Even though I looked forward to her appearances on the tv show, I never bought a Baroness action figure. I guess even then I realized that there was a thin line between…

Kids toy

Kids toy


Sex toy

Sex toy

The dominatrix look is synonymous with sexy, and men are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. In fact, anything involving heels and full body leather gets our heart racing.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

Oh, my apologies. I’m supposed to be talking about women’s fantasies, not mine.

Wait, I am talking about your fantasies.

We aren’t the only ones who get off on the idea of a strong, sexy, seductive woman. It is a role that women often desire to play.

1. Defining the fantasy

Number two on our list of top 5 female fantasies is “female worship/female dominance”. While these sound like opposite ends of the spectrum, they do exist on the same spectrum, which is based on feminine power. Whether that means being such an overwhelming sex goddess that men throw themselves at your feet, or wielding your power (literally) like a whip, the basis for dominance fantasies is a sense of control.

On one end you have the Cleopatra style “sex goddess” lounging on the bed while a room full of men built like Chris Hemsworth fan you with palm leaves and feed you grapes.

I'll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

I’ll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

While the fantasy may not actually involve ancient Egyptian themes, the concept stays the same. They cater to your every desire with slavish devotion. On this end of the spectrum, the men willingly subjugate themselves with only one desire; your complete fulfillment and pleasure.

But sometimes we’re bad boys who need to be taught a lesson.

Sometimes we rowdy men need to be brought under control. And that takes a stern task mistress. The dominatrix fantasy focuses on the explicit, overt use of power and control. It’s bending men to your will through restraint, punishment, and even humiliation.

Oh, and knowing they are rock hard; dying to screw you the entire time.

2. What drives the fantasy?

Ladies, you know men want to have sex with you, right? As I noted in the introduction post, our fantasies are quite simple; sex with anything that doesn’t have a penis. (Que up the what about “people of Wal-Mart” rebuttal. Yes, but that exception only proves the rule.)

I realize there are logistical reasons why you might choose not to indulge us, but it is intrinsic to our nature, and yours, that we want to have sex with you. But that pesky thing called life gets in the way and you make decisions about settling down and devoting yourself to a partner and so on.

So life happens and maybe you aren’t feeling quite like the seductive sex goddess you used to be. This is your opportunity to be that amazing succubus you’ve been dying to prove still exists.

Female Worship
One of the best quotes I found on this topic came from an anonymous poster in an article- “I want my husband to romanticize me.”
Or, if you prefer a quote from someone famous; author Madame de Stael said it this way, “The desire of the man is for the woman. The desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

That sums it up well doesn’t it? Women want to know that that they still have the power to sway the men in their lives. You want to know that you are worth the effort for your partner to go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy you.

According to sex researchers Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, that is the appeal of romance novels.
“If the male is so enamored of a woman that he’ll do anything to make her his own, if he’s “enslaved” by his boundless passion, then who, after all, is in charge of the relationship?”

The damsel in distress story line ultimately becomes about a man so in love with the damsel that he risks life and limb for her salvation.

Let’s talk about a current medium where you might not expect female worship to pop up.

If you listen to country music (and you probably don’t) you may have noticed a trend in a lot of the top songs lately. My wife thought I was crazy when I brought it up. “Oh, look. Another country song about how awesome it is to be out drinking beer in the country on Friday night with a beautiful woman.”

I didn’t think much of it until a new song came out called “A girl in a country song” which makes fun of the idealized women portrayed in this new genre of country music. It seems they even have a name for this cookie cutter music style; Bro Country.

Apparently a lot of the country music commentators were upset at the generally misogynistic lyrics that show up in Bro Country. They do boast some thought provoking, heart felt lyrics like, “Slide your pretty self over here, and hand me another beer.”  Deep stuff.

But the critics missed a crucial point. The female fans eat this shit up!

These songs are basically female worship. Let’s look at a few more lyrics;

“Yeah, when I first saw that bikini top on her
She was poppin’ right out of the South Georgia water
Thought, “Oh, good lord, she had them long tanned legs!”
Couldn’t help myself so I walked up and said
Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise”

Now, if you aren’t familiar with the song (and you probably aren’t), that is the opening line to, Cruise, the song that spent 24 weeks at the top of the country charts, the longest run in Billboard Charts 50+ year history.

And women love the band, Florida Georgia Line. Take a look at the photos on their Facebook page. What do you see? A lot of very normal women who love to hear these men sing about being hopelessly in love.

But they are not alone. How about this offering from Chase Rice’s “Ready Set Lets Roll”
Damn pretty girl you went done it again
You’ve gone and turned your sexy all the way up to 10
I’ve never seen a side ride seat looking so hot
Baby, you rock, hit the spot like a fireball shot
You’ve got me all high, head spinning around and around
I’m down if you’re down to burn down this town”

Or how about this one from Tyler Farr’s “Whiskey in My Water “(because I like to belabor the point)
Cause when the sun goes down it’ll get a little hotter
Make an old boy’s heart beat a little harder
I know I can’t lose cause it’s going down smooth tonight, baby
One ain’t enough man may I have another Sitting ’round the fire gettin’ drunk on each other
Every day I pray I thank God I got her She’s the moon in my shine, the whiskey in my water”

Did I mention that women eat this shit up? Because I wasn’t kidding.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

The idea of these hunky, tattooed country bad boys being enamored with a sexy seductive woman is a sure fire fantasy starter for a lot of ladies.

The Dominatrix
I’m not going to spend much time on this one. I don’t have any problem with it, but I’m not convinced that my readers are that interested.

The dominatrix fantasy is about the overt use of power to control a man. In contrast to the female worship fantasy where the man chooses to devote himself through his actions, the dominatrix fantasy focuses on the man submitting himself to the will of the woman.

The appeal is in the power derived from having a man completely at your disposal. No matter what punishment you hand out to him, he’s going to take it, such is his devotion to you.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
Gentleman, I’m going to start by telling you a secret.

Women who feel sexy…want to have more sex.

That is all. Thank you, and good night.

If you didn’t already know this…I suggest you go back and start at the beginning of the blog.

Okay, seriously though. Your partner needs to feel sexy. She needs to know that she can bring you to your knees with her sex appeal. I don’t care how alpha you think you are, she wants to know that she is capable of making you lose control.

You may not be completely comfortable with this idea.  My wife and I have an agreement; I can’t deny a request for something I’ve asked her to indulge in. But some things…I just hope she never asks.

If she ever came to me and said she wanted to tie me up, I’m going to say yes in a heart beat. She submits herself to me when we’re in the mood and I’m man enough to do the same. This isn’t something she has ever expressed interest in, and I’m relieved at that because it would scare me to see where she might take it.

But I very much enjoy giving her the “hungry wolf” eyes; that look that says I can’t wait to devour her. And she loves it. Since the core of the female dominance fantasy is the expression of female seduction, let your wife know that you are able to be overpowered by her presence. Don’t forget to offer up an appreciative comment or look. Let her know that you are willing to go to great lengths to satisfy her.

Ladies. Don’t be afraid to turn on the charm. I realize that takes a certain level of trust, and your greatest fear is looking like Cathy Bates

Seduction fail.

Seduction fail.

but just keep reminding yourselves, we want to have sex with you. You can talk us into quite a lot, especially if you are naked.

But beware, it isn’t without its pitfalls. One of the problems with the female dominance fantasy is that does dampen the naturally aggressive nature of the men. While it might be fun to fantasize about men fawning all over you, in reality, women want to have sex with men who are worth having sex with. Turning your man into a crawling, sniveling toy who will lick your shoes on command might sound intriguing, but you might find it difficult to be attracted to him afterwards if it goes too far.

The female dominance fantasy is a great outlet for expressing your desire to be desired. It’s the starting point for exploring new ways to seduce your man. Make him drool over you and if you’re feeling randy, smack him on the ass.

A Day In The Life Of Something I Know Nothing About: Vegans

Let’s talk about meat. No, not that. You guys think all I write about is sex, but that’s not true. Those are just the only articles you read. Don’t argue with me; I read the stats.

I’m talking about food meat.



Our mantra here at the Big Dick Chronicles is “live life like you are in charge” and sometimes that means making decisions that don’t necessarily conform to the norms of society and culture.

For our fourth installment of the “Things I Know Nothing About” series, I decided to stretch my comfort zone a bit and explore something that I might fundamentally disagree with.

So I thought about some of the things I am passionate about. I’m passionate about sex and I am passionate about meat. (NO! Not that meat. Really you guys, stop it)

So, in my efforts to expand my horizons and open my mind to new points of view, I set out in search of a Vegan.

I’ll be honest; I was expecting this to be difficult. We all know what Vegans are like, right?

You know them when you see them.

You know them when you see them.

And I’m supposed to reach out to this chick and say, “Hey, I write The Big Dick Chronicles and I want to talk to you about meat.

Yep. Saw that one coming.

Yep. Saw that one coming.

But that’s not what happened. Let me introduce you to the real face of Vegan.

Hi. Whoa, what?

Hi. Whoa, what?

Say hello to Scott McNamara. Scott is the author of the Off Road Vegan blog which has the great tag line, “Not all vegans drive hybrids and wear skinny jeans.”

God bless you, Scott.

As soon as I saw his blog, I knew my search was over. I reached out to Scott to find out just what the hell this Vegan stuff was all about.

1. Tell me a little about yourself and how you were introduced to the Vegan worldview.
I grew up mostly in Connecticut and Vermont, eventually moving around as a nomad, following career opportunities (Project Management and consulting). I lived in Connecticut, Vermont, California, Colorado, Alaska, Hawaii, Florida, and now call Portland, Oregon home. I think this is where I will spend a good deal of my time.

I was introduced to veganism in a really cool way. My wife and I were driving around Cooper Landing, Alaska and stopped to have lunch. I ordered a beef burger. After lunch, we stumbled on a small mountain festival in a field. One of the tents there was for the Alaska Wildlife Alliance. In speaking with them, I learned I wanted to work for them. After a few weeks of negotiations, I soon became a project manager for AWA. Once there, my eyes were opened to the whole animal rights issues plaguing our society. I almost immediately became vegetarian (I remember my wife and I throwing away all our meat one day) and over time transitioned to veganism. It was the best choice I ever made in my life, and happened completely by happenstance.

I look for opportunities to applaud people who make the decision to live life on their own terms. A survey by Vegetarian Times found that approximately 3 percent of the US population identified as vegetarian and approximately .5 percent (1 million) identified as Vegan. By comparison, approximately 6% of the population hunt.

(I point that out simply to note that those who abstain from meat, and those who are willing to secure their own, both exists in small minorities compared to the general population)

That is definitely choosing to live your life by your own rules. Scott takes that one step further and flips the Vegan stereotype on its head.

2. For you personally, how would you define “Vegan”?
Vegan is considered by many to be a diet. For me it is a life. It is a commitment. It is swallowing the blue pill. Once you uncover the truths of veganism, you can never get your ignorance back. That is a pretty life-long commitment. It is reading every label. It’s knowing what you can order when your friends drag you to steakhouse. It’s knowing how to answer the stupid questions about protein and desert islands. It’s being able to take countless jokes and comments from friends and family. But we all do it for the best reasons.

I learned quickly that Vegan is a concept that takes on a very specific meaning to different people. But just to set a baseline, I went to to find their definition.
“The word vegan refers to a food or material free from any animal products: no meat, milk, eggs, honey, wool, goose down, or leather. Animal-derived byproducts, from whey to lard to gelatin, are likewise off the table. Vegans typically also go out of their way to avoid cosmetics that are tested on animals.”

I was not aware of the connection between Vegans and toiletries, make up, and other products that are animal based or animal tested. Click here for more information.

I tried to imagine the level of dedication needed to remove these products from your life.

3. What type of lifestyle adjustments did you have to make upon becoming a Vegan?

Of course, the easy ones – I got rid of meat and dairy. I stopped buying leather and wool. I started reading labels on shampoo. But for me the biggest adjustments were in the evangelism…I never knew I would love veganism so much. It’s fun being the outcast, the one that tries to convince your steakaholic friend to eat a soy curl.

As I said, it isn’t necessary for me to agree with Mr. McNamara in order to appreciate that he’s making a decision to live life on his own terms.

Okay, back to stereotypes. Scott has made a point of thumbing his nose at conventional wisdom and I wanted to find out how that felt.

4. Let’s discuss stereotypes. What type of reaction do you get when you tell people you are a Vegan? What misconceptions do you face?

The typical reaction I get is “Wait….YOU are vegan!?” And that, to me is the biggest compliment. Vegans typically have a militant/hippy/preachy stereotype attached to them. And part of why I started my blog ( is to help shed those stereotypes. I own many guns, I am an avid offroader, and am always told I don’t fit the vegan mold. We, as vegans, need to work hard on changing our image if we truly want veganism to become more mainstream.

Most misconceptions are that all I eat is “tofu and granola.” On a recent week-long jeeping adventure along the Rubicon Trail, my friend Jason (a carnivore), ate vegan for the week. I think he was surprised with the meals and enjoyed many of them.

Now, let’s be fair. Stereotypes exist, in part, because they are true. Scott readily admits that he is in the minority, even among minorities. Our focus here isn’t on whether I agree or disagree with the Vegan philosophy. I applaud what Scott is doing because he is working hard to be true to himself and his beliefs.

The last thing I wanted to know, is this actually good for you?
5. What benefits have you experienced since becoming a Vegan?
I have lost weight for sure. But I am not always the “healthiest” vegan in the room. I don’t eat a ton of salads and almonds for lunch. I prefer a Buff Burrito from Homegrown Smoker, a BBQ jackfruit sammy from Native Foods, or my ultimate fav – the Buffalo Bomber from Veggie Grill.

The most significant benefit for me is the emotional side of things. I don’t care if you eat meat – but if you know the suffering we inflict on innocent animals and still eat them – that is bullshit. While billions of turkeys are living in their own filth and being treated in inconceivably horrific ways, I am enjoying a Thanksgiving free of cruelty and the associated ignorance. For me, that is bliss. Knowing I am doing my best for the animals, the planet, and myself.

I also really enjoy the confidence that comes with being vegan. Any time you voluntarily subject yourself to jokes and comments from people…and sign yourself up for that, there is a confidence there. You grow thick skin and smile to yourself. I have come to really enjoy that unknown aspect of being vegan, and is partly why the blog works so well for me.

Okay, so where do I stand on this issue? Let me say again that I don’t think it is necessary to agree in order to enjoy exploring someone else’s point of view. I personally hold the position that the best way to protect an endangered species is to commercialize its production (how long would the common chicken last in the wild? And yet we’ve got billions of them). But I don’t expect anyone else to agree with me on that.

I understand his points on the commercial food industries, I’ve pointed out before my distaste for cattle lots. But I am also the only non-farmer on my road. I am surrounded by some of the best stewards of our natural resources that you will ever meet. And they work with pride in a way of life that has been passed down to them for generations.

I’ve spent my time in the poultry factories. You don’t have to be crazy to spend 8 hours a day killing chickens; you just have to be hungry. Several hundred employees, and their families, in my small hometown would suffer if those jobs didn’t exist.

I’ve told you about my moral dilemma when I shot a deer and was not able to find it. I don’t want to be that guy that wantonly kills an animal and leaves it. That turned out okay, by the way. He lived and I took him during rifle season a month later.

I appreciate the opportunity to put a face to an issue that I am completely unfamiliar with. And it was fun conversing with a guy who is arguably manlier than me; he drives a Wrangler with big tires,

Where there's a will, there's a road...

Where there’s a will, there’s a road…

I drive a Grand Cherokee with 290,000 miles. I also suspect he has a larger gun collection than I do.

I...don't have one of those.

I…don’t have one of those.

So the next time someone offers you a vegetarian dish,

That actually looks really good.

That actually looks really good.


give it a try. Unless it’s a dude in skinny jeans, then slap him. But not for the food, for the skinny jeans.

Top Five Female Fantasies: 1. Sex with a Stranger

A reader, who shall remain anonymous because it will piss her off :), offered the following critique of my previous post;

Omg there are so many words where is the fun stuff???
More words


Sigh. You ladies are some hard taskmasters.

So, we’re coming out of the gate strong on this one.
Take a look at this video.

You just observed ten pairs of total strangers meet for the first time, undress one another, then climb into bed.

Would you do this? I bet most of you would not.

But you sure as hell fantasize the shit out of it.
Sex with a stranger tops the list of most common female fantasies time and time again. In one study by The Journal of Sex Research, 80% of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other that their husband while having sex. They also reported that 30% of all their fantasies involved sex with someone other than their partner.

And we’re going to try to figure out why.

To keep some consistency to this project, we’re going to break each topic down into three parts; 1. Defining the fantasy. 2. What drives the fantasy? 3. Can it improve your relationship?

1. Defining the fantasy
What constitutes a stranger?

Technically speaking, Sex with a Stranger includes anyone who is not your current partner, taking place in any setting. Now you can see why this tops the list so often. The variations on this fantasy are endless. Sex with a Stranger can range from totally anonymous………,

one night stand

to people who are an important part of your daily life….



And that’s where the difficulty comes in.

Could you admit to your partner that you fantasize about your favorite actor with no negative consequence? Probably.
Could you admit to him that you fantasize about his brother? Less likely.

This brings us back to the guilt factor and lack of communication. Fantasizing about strangers is almost as universal as masturbating, but we still feel the need to lie about it. Even though 90% of us think about it, half of us say it’s wrong.

So how do you open about a topic that nearly all of us participate in, but nobody wants to talk about? You try to understand its origins.

2. What drives this fantasy?
I love doing research. Sometimes it confirms what you already thought was true. Sometimes it catches you by surprise.

Why do women fantasize about strangers?

They do it for the rush.
Do you remember those early days of your relationship when it felt like you were “crazy in love”? Well, you were. Your brain was so jacked up on hormones and chemicals that you couldn’t think straight if your life depended on it.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

The introduction of a new relationship (or even the thought of it) gets the testosterone, adrenaline, and dopamine coursing through your system. These chemicals want to turn your body into a lust fueled sex machine.

When you casually flirt with the single dad at your kids soccer game, his response sends a surge of chemicals through your body that you cannot control. When you’re lying in bed at night, your body wants more. So you re-live the experience. You achieve orgasm, which is the equivalent of shooting up with dopamine, and it continues to strengthen the mental connection between you and your stranger.

Here is another video for you-

The physical response is immediate. The arousal began as soon as they touched. Adrenaline and testosterone begin coursing through their bodies and they were immediately willing to explore each other. The touch, or even the thought, of a stranger can induce some extremely intoxicating fantasies.

It’s a chance to explore new or unrealistic scenarios.
My Scottish accent sucks. My wife has been quite clear that a good Scottish accent is an instant panty dropper. But even with this promise of bountiful sex, I just don’t have it. So if she’s in the mood for a thick Scottish brogue, she’s just going to have to make it up.

"All you have to do is close your eyes...."

“All you have to do is close your eyes….”

Sex with a stranger is a natural outlet for all those ideas that will never work in real life. You want a rendezvous with a medieval knight? Close your eyes and let the film roll. Sex with a vampire? Why not. If you can think it, you can fantasize about it. So have at it.

But there is a utilitarian component to this as well. Let’s say you are considering a dominance fantasy. Assuming your partner doesn’t know the first thing about what you want or need, your fantasy is going to involve someone with expert skills. It allows you the chance to explore the scenario in controlled setting before you make the risky move of bringing it up in real life.

It’s a chance to let loose.
This is the most common reason women fantasize about strangers. It isn’t so much about wanting another person, it’s about the possibility of doing the unthinkable. It’s about indulging the deepest of your depraved desires with someone you’ll never see again.

All those desires you think will scare your partner? They don’t scare the stranger. And even if they do, so what? You’ll never see them again. The stranger fantasy is about no strings attached fucking. For most women, the person doesn’t matter. The stranger is irrelevant. It’s the scenario that matters. It’s about indulging your desires without judgment.

Consider this quote, ““At restaurants, I always fantasize about having a quickie in the bathroom with the best-looking waiter,” says Sasha, 29. “I love the notion of spontaneity combined with the idea that it’s someone I’ll never see again. It seems like the freedom to be as dirty as you want.” 

Which brings up the obvious question, “why does it have to be a stranger?”

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
You may not be in a position to tell your partner that you fantasize about other people, but perhaps you can talk with them about the why.
Most of the appeal of the stranger fantasy is the desire for something new.
That doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. It doesn’t even have to mean that you are dissatisfied. It simply means you are willing to extend your boundaries and explore more of what life has to offer you.

Seriously, get to reading.

Seriously, get to reading.

And with rare exceptions, your partner wants to explore with you. And guess what? He wants you dirty. That fantasy you have about giving a stranger a blowjob in the bathroom of a night club? Your partner would love to join you for that experience. Though, in reality, you may have to settle for the back seat of your car, parked securely in the garage. Reality tends to get in the way of the perfect moment.

Let’s take a quick look at our three “why” categories again.

The rush.
It doesn’t take a stranger to evoke the rush. Time has a way of diluting the dopamine reaction to your partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Dopamine equals lust and lust equals physical attraction.

If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, it is time to speak up. We men aren’t very good at taking hints, but we are pretty easily persuaded. We can be persuaded to dress better. We can be persuaded to get in shape. We can be persuaded to improve. And I know you ladies can be very persuasive.

I left out one key piece of information regarding the top fantasies. While nearly everyone thinks of strangers on occasion, the single most common thing women fantasize about is sex with their current partner.

It turns out that one you want is the one you’ve got. If it’s the rush you’re after, spend time talking with your partner. Figure out what you need to do to bring the attraction back into your relationship.

Exploring new scenarios
We men really are not as boring as we seem. We are sometimes ruled by inertia, though. You know, an object at rest and all that. But our inertia is sometimes nothing more than a lack of communication. We’re certainly not bringing up the bondage scenario, but we would do back flips if you even hinted at the idea.

It may not be fair, but the truth is, women are usually the moderating force when it comes to sex. What I mean is, anything you can fantasize about, we’ve been there and done that to the power of ten. All we’re waiting for is your approval. If we ever find out that you are on board with our fantasies, we’ll be off the couch in a heartbeat.

But we naturally assume that you aren’t because we can come up with some messed up shit (wife/her sister nude cupcake baking, mmm). Yeah, I’m probably not getting that one. But that’s my point. My wife is the moderating force. Well, and her sister. I guess we should probably give her some say in the matter.

Unless you’ve actually approached the topic of exploring your fantasies and been shot down, I’m going to ask you to be open minded and consider reaching out to your partner.

Letting loose.
This almost sounds redundant to the previous post, but not exactly. The stranger fantasy is often about indulging in yourself, even more than exploring role playing.

Here is a quote from a clinical sexologist, Hernando Chaves, “Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control,” Chaves said. “People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it’s OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment.”

I’m going to keep stressing, we’re more depraved than you are.
And if not, refer back to my comment from the Introduction post. Bring up your fantasies during a blow job. Men are much more open to objectionable ideas when we’re heavily aroused. Science backs me up on this point.

I admit to none of these.

I admit to none of these.

The stranger fantasy does not have to mean discontent in your relationship. Ideally, it’s the starting point for opening the doors to communicating.

Unless you really are just interested in your brother in law. Probably best keep that one to yourself.

The Top Five Female Sexual Fantasies- Introduction

Guys, I’m going to ask you to skip down a few paragraphs. I need to talk to the ladies in private for a moment.

Oh, you wonderful, sexy ladies. You’ve been naughty.
“Who me?” you ask in exaggerated indignation while you try to hide a smile, “Why I never!”

Oh yes you have. And I can prove it.
First, you’re reading a post about female sexual fantasies on a blog named The Big Dick Chronicles. For shame.

And second, you’re human.

That’s right. You are not alone in your delicious deviancy, and more importantly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re going to spend some time exploring just how “normal” some of your deepest desires are.

This is a touchy subject, and while I want to maintain a lighthearted atmosphere (my new motto for the blog is “self improvement..with dick jokes”), I don’t want to be crass or insensitive to reality. A lot of people, especially women, feel some level of guilt about their sexual fantasies. The list of reasons is endless; prior bad experiences, upbringing, skewed moral values, etc.

The question is, should you feel guilty? I’m going to make the argument that there is indeed a healthy range of fantasizing and I’m also going to encourage you to explore it.

But back to guilt for a moment, so we can get it out of the way. There is a segment of the population who report to having a shitload of fantasies and don’t feel bad about it.

But it isn’t who you think.

People who are most satisfied with their sex lives reported more active sexual fantasies.

Imagine that. Couples who are highly satisfied with their sex lives are more open to exploring, and acknowledging, the topics and ideas that turn them on.

The guilt aspect often comes when people are already unhappy and feel their fantasies are a by-product of their sub-par sex life. “I wouldn’t be thinking about these things if we were happy.” Obviously, this could be true of some women, but most often it’s a correlation not causation issue. You are naturally going to fantasize, but your circumstances dictate how you respond to, and feel about, the presence of those fantasies.

We also have to consider how your partner feels about your fantasies. Sometimes, the guilt comes from the idea that you are disappointing or betraying your partner. There is a lot of debate, and disagreement, about how much you should share with your partner, but I want you to consider this thought;

The ability to share your fantasies with your partner is a barometer of the sexual health of your relationship. Therefore, we strongly encourage you to do so!

You see, we men desperately want to know what the hell is going on inside your heads.
Sometimes, we just want confirmation that something is going on inside your head. We want you to fantasize because we want you thinking about sex. The simple, self serving truth is that, when you spend more time thinking about sex, we’re going to be spending more time having sex.

Now, let’s use some common sense here. Don’t try to go from “zero disclosure” to “here’s everything I’ve ever thought about” in a single weekend. Take it slow and keep in mind that every time you hit a wall, it just means you have some other work to do.

Why would any man balk at hearing about your fantasies?

1. He may be intimidated by them.
We hate feeling insecure and if your fantasy leaves us feeling inferior, it’s going to be hard to discuss. For instance, it may take several conversations to explain to your guy that your ultimate fantasy is another three inches in length. You aren’t wrong for wanting that, you just have to be careful in your approach.

2. He may be afraid to acknowledge similar feelings.
You may have a guy with his own guilt issues and if your fantasies touch on his hidden fears, he’s going to balk. For example; you really want a threesome, but he has an almost violent aversion to being anywhere near another dude because this one time, at band camp…..

3. He may fear having to expose his own fantasies.
As much as you women might fantasize, we’ve got ya beat; both in volume and degree. You might admit to us that you spent five minutes thinking about the UPS man. Quid pro quo dictates we tell you that we’ve thought about every one of your sisters and cousins.

As much as I appreciate that my wife is extremely open with me, I have no intention of ever telling her that I like to fill my cowboy boots with Vaseline and walk around naked.

You've never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

You’ve never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

4. He may have an actual moral objection.
Oh, who are we kidding. Just suck his dick and bring it up again just before he explodes. Problem solved.

But we’re not here to talk about the guys. We’re here to talk about the ladies.

Oh, gentleman. I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may join us now.

I’ve made the executive decision that this series of posts will focus on the top five sexual fantasies of women only. Because, really, who cares what men are thinking? But just in case you actually want to know; here is an exhaustive overview of men’s fantasies.

1. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis.
2. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis, preferably all at the same time.
3. Sex. Anytime, anywhere.
4. Sex. Maybe with some whips and handcuffs.
5. Sex. Post penis reduction surgery so our backs don’t hurt so bad.

Do you feel better now?

Then let’s begin.
What constitutes a fantasy?
You think this would be easy wouldn’t you? But are we talking about a passing thought that strikes you while walking down the street? Is it limited to what runs through your head during “alone time”? Do those thoughts fall into the same category as the things you think about when it comes to sex?

Brett Kahr, the author of “Who’s Been Sleeping In Your Head?” defines a fantasy as “a conscious thought…depicting a sexual act..sexual imagery and often sexual language which in many instances will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical stimulation of the genitalia.”

So, basically, a nerdy scientific way of saying “thoughts that get you off or make you feel sexy.”

In the interest of due diligence, let’s acknowledge that the possibilities for what constitutes a fantasy are endless. And whatever yours may be, I applaud you. We’re going to focus on the most common sexual fantasies as documented by multiple studies and surveys. If you’re personal preference isn’t on the list, don’t feel slighted. We could spend months trying to be exhaustive.

So without further ado; the five most common female sexual fantasies.

1. Sex with a stranger
2. Being worshiped in bed/Female dominance
3. Being dominated
4. Exhibitionism/being observed
5. Threesomes/group sex

Those are some broad categories and it’s going to take some time to go through this. And research. Lots and lots of research. But I do it so you don’t have to.

"Sigh." The things I endure for my readers.

“Sigh.” The things I endure for my readers.

You don’t have to thank me. It’s no trouble.

Over the next five posts, we’re going to explore these most common areas of sexual fantasy. I have to warn you though, it’s going to be more scientific than salacious. What drives our fantasies? Why do these things appeal to us? When are we okay to act on them?

And most importantly, can they add value to your relationships?

I can’t ask you to consider being more open in your relationship without giving you some insight on what we’ve experienced in our own.

It took us four years to figure out how to talk about sex. For four years, we were your typical awkward, uncomfortably silent couple. Our breakthrough came when I went on the road for several months. Somehow, the safety of talking over the phone allowed us to open up about how we were handling the time apart.

When we finally got back together, we were able to continue those conversations and realized that we actually wanted to talk about sex. We wanted to explore. We wanted to make it more fun. And most importantly, we could. We could make it more enjoyable. We could learn about each other, about what we actually wanted (or didn’t want) without upsetting one another.

Fast forward ten years. By now, she knows all about my fantasies of baking cupcakes nude with her and her sister. I’m pretty sure that she knows about everything but the cowboy boots.

It's squishy!

It’s squishy!

I’m not authorized to tell you about my wife’s fantasies. I’ll just tell you I’m a very luck guy.

Up next, the number one female sexual fantasy; Sex with a stranger.


Usually this one.

A Day In The Life Of Something I Know Nothing About; Rock Climbing

This is where I grew up. Do you see the rocks?

I see one! No, that's a house. Sorry.

I see one! No, that’s a house. Sorry.

Nope? Me either.

I lived the first 18 years of my life at 299 feet above sea level. To put that in perspective, the average elevation in the US is 1,443 feet.

My wife is convinced that my personality was shaped by the landscape; flat and utterly boring. Good thing I got over that.

We did have trees, so there’s that, and I climbed them every chance I had. The view from the top of the water tower was amazing. You could see for ever.

But no rocks.

My first encounter with anything even close to rock climbing was in college. A group of guys came into the dorm covered in mud. They had gone spelunking, which is rock climbing in reverse.

“Sounds interesting,” I thought and then went back to studying.

Today, this is my version of climbing trees;

Look ma! No OSHA mandated safety harnesses!

Look ma! No OSHA mandated safety harnesses!

But still no rocks.

I really had no concept of what I was missing with rock climbing until I realized it’s the only thing standing between me and Mt. Midoriyama.

Wait. You mean this takes practice?

Wait. You mean this takes practice?

My kids are huge fans of American Ninja Warrior and it seems like 80% of the contestants are avid rock climbers. As we’ve watched the contestants perform, I’ve become more and more impressed with the skill and agility they possess. Not to mention how much fun they seem to be having.

So in honor of those who live in a world of where rocks grow large enough to climb, I decided to reach out to some avid rock climbers and find out what I’ve been missing.

Say hello to Annalisa, the author of the Climbing Together and Other Fun Adventures blog. Her blog spotlights the joys of climbing as a social activity, which is exactly what I wanted to talk about. So I reached out to her and she graciously agreed to fill me in on what it’s all about.

1. Some brief background; how long have you been involved in rock climbing/mountain climbing? What got you started? When did you really start to feel passionate about it?

1. I have been rock climbing for about 4 years. When I was a kid I always climbed everything, trees, boulders, sheds, whatever. I really got into rock climbing in its sport form (having all the gear, climbing up actual routes, and understanding what climbing is) in college. A couple friends invited me to try a climbing gym with them and I was willing to try something new and at that moment, more importantly, make some solid friendships.

I went with them and I loved it. The climbing was fun, but we also had a girl’s night climbing every week and it was very social. I liked that it could push my limits and that it was helping me overcome some of my fears and feel more confident. It was also fun. When I started, I didn’t know that I was passionate about climbing because so much of my joy from it was being with friends and having a break from school work. When I graduated though. I started to really miss climbing. I thought about it often and would try to invite someone who went to my school, but also really lived close to me at home to to go. It didn’t work out all that well.

A couple years later, I found I organized a rock climbing group to have partners, and then I started going a lot. I think that time was when I was really passionate. I was going a few times a week, if not almost everyday. It gave me great friends, it was how I met my boyfriend, it helped me relax and it was fun. I knew I really loved it because I’d be sad when I couldn’t go and I had the courage to go by myself when no one would go with me. I started training for it and reading about it and really becoming fully involved with the blog, facebook page, etc.

2. Your blog is built around a meetup group. Describe the rock climbing community for me. How important is the social aspect of what you do?

The interesting thing about climbing is that it is both very social and very antisocial at the same time. When you are on the climb, it is totally in your mind and all about you. Some people are competitive in climbing (usually they are competitive people in general) but for the most part it is very self competitive. People want to do the best they can be and progress.

It doesn’t really matter what other people are doing. It is very personally in how you grow, develop, and enjoy the sport. Having said that, there are many benefits to having other people there. If you are sport climbing or trad climbing (those both involve ropes but sport climbing has already placed bolts to clip into and trad climbing you place all your own protective gear) you really need a belay partner. You will have to be social with at least one person. If you are solo climbing (which is cliff climbing without any ropes) or bouldering (smaller climbs 10-20ft usually with pads to fall on instead of ropes and harnesses) you don’t need someone else. However, lots of boulder climbers are social because they like hearing how other people did it. What holds did they use, what moves did they do, what do they know about the climb. These things help them climb better.

You can climb by yourself and I know many people that do. They like being out in the woods alone with the rock and crash pad. It can also be very social where people invite everyone they know. The community is relatively small. I’ve met a lot of professional climbers and they are very approachable and humble. Many professionals will write back to my messages and be willing to hang out if you want to climb with them. It sometimes feels like all climbers know each other once you’ve been doing it for a while. When you first start out it seems like a much larger community because you don’t know anyone and there are a lot of people that climb recreationally but not all the time. Some people do it to work out, have fun with kids, etc.

3. What are some of your favorite highlights through the years? What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done while climbing?

All the dumb things I’ve done climbing are pretty typical. I was sport climbing once in a cave. I was scared of falling so I tried to clip the next clip which was way above my head. I pulled out lots of slack to make it but instead of clipping, I fell and since there was so much slack in the rope, I nearly hit the ground. Now when I climb, I try really hard to just keep climbing when scared knowing the fall is safer cause there is less slack out.

We all make stupid mistakes and learn from them. Some have harsher consequences than others. A lot of mistakes can be ego driven. You think you’re strong and this climb is easy so you don’t pay as much attention, etc. Some are honest mistakes, and some just can’t be helped.

Many of my climbing highlights have to do with places I’ve traveled to. I loved climbing in Bishop, CA. I’m from CT so that is a pretty far trip for me. It was beautiful out there. I absolutely fell in love with the town and the climbs. I liked going to the Red River Gorge. We stayed in an amazing log cabin with a fire place and hot tub, had some of the best pizza ever at Miguels, and just enjoyed all the cool nature things like seeing tons of deer that practically walk right up to you. I saw some of the most unbelievable sunsets and moons and stars I’ve ever seen.

Some of my best moments have been just talking with friends over campfires and hanging out. Some of it has been accomplishments. I won second place in a climbing competition and got a free rope, free jacket, free shoes, and free chalk bag. I felt like a pro. I also felt really excited climbing my first V5 because it was the hardest grade I had climbed. There are lots of memorable moments.

4. If I decided I wanted to get involved in rock climbing today, what do I need to know? How hard would it be to just jump in at age 36?

It is fine to climb at any age. People always think its best to start as a kid because they are fearless and pick up things fast, but any age is fine. There are some hard climbers who are older. Some people climbing when they are 80 or 90. It’s fine.

The best place to start is usually a gym because you can rent all the gear. Some places do outdoor guiding which is often more expensive than a day at the gym but it gets you outside with all the gear you need and a professional to help teach you. Going outside on your own is hard unless you have experienced friends. You do need equipment and to know what you are doing. Some people are really intense about only climbing outside, but I think a gym is a good starting place. It is important to know you will progress and get better.

The first time is just about having fun and seeing if it is something you want to invest in buying the gear for and learning more about. You can certainly just keep going to a gym and renting without every buying a single thing. Having fun is important. Everyone starts somewhere and the more time and practice you put in, the better you get. With meetup groups, gyms having partner boards or programs, and belay classes, you met a lot of people. So I don’t think it is hard to get started. You take a class, meet some fellow beginners, meet experienced people through out the gym and build your community. Most climbers are easy going and willing to help someone learn.

5. There isn’t a lot of natural terrain to work with where I live. What options do I have for getting involved?
Some people have cliffs in their back yard some people have to drive three hours to get to one. There are gyms everywhere though, which is helpful. They help you learn, have an afterwork place to go, and meet other climbers. As you know more and get better you can always plan climbing trips. Gyms are a good option for places without much natural rock though.

6. One of my concerns with new hobbies is start up costs. If I wanted to start climbing, how much am I going to spend on equipment just to make sure I don’t kill myself?

Climbing can be expensive. To some degree it is how much you are willing to spend, but to some degree it is pricey. For my local gym a day pass is $17, equipment rental adds on about $10 more and the belay classes are about $30 (they are usually one time though). Many gyms have memberships for $50-$70 a month. To buy your own gear you are looking at shoes from about $70-$170, ropes from $100-$300, harnesses about $50-$100, chalk bags like $10-$30. You don’t need them all right away if you can rent though. Crash pads are a couple hundred usually too, but some you can rent for a day for like $15. It can get expensive but you can pay over time. I got my own shoes, then chalk bag, then harness, etc over like a couple months.

Another important thing is that a lot of people think if they have a fear of heights they can’t climb. I actually have a really bad fear of heights, and love climbing. You just need to get comfortable falling at gradual heights, right off the ground, then a little higher up. For many people since they are facing a wall they don’t really notice. The gear also keeps you really safe and secure.

Helmets aren’t required but they are a good idea and one I’d probably recommend.

So if you are looking for a new adventure, or just a great reason to get together with some friends, go climb something. I still haven’t found any rocks near my place, but I’m taking a hard look at some of those trees.


Overcoming The “Poor But Arrogant” Mindset pt 2

I want to start by telling you every word of this is true. You may read some of this and think, “there’s no way” but in reality, the stories I’m going to share are quite common where I grew up.

I also want to be clear that while I’m not here to bash poor people, I am more than happy to talk shit about my own messed up family. That is one of the few benefits I gained from growing up with them. I’m allowed to laugh.

Where I’m from

My father and mother were born and raised in the countryside of southeast Missouri. My grandparents were factory workers and farmhands. Their education was limited and they would qualify as “dirt poor”.

My mother was one of five kids and my father is one of six. When my mother was 17, she became pregnant with my older brother. My father dropped out of high school his junior year and they were married. I was born when he was 19. By age 22, they were divorced and my father was raising two young boys on his own. My mother left to join the Air Force.

Here is one way to determine if you grew up poor. If you are 36 years old and most of the homes you lived in as a child have been torn down, you were probably poor.

This is where I lived during my senior year of high school.

Home sweet home.

Home sweet home.

The top half of that building has two apartments. My father, my brother and I shared one with my uncle. We moved there after my dad decided to blow up his second marriage by intentionally getting caught having an affair with a black woman.

Did I mention southeast Missouri is still a pretty racist place to live?

I would show you the trailer we moved into six months later, but I can’t because it’s been torn down. A funny story; one day the cops arrested my brother after finding a bunch of stolen items hidden underneath it. He didn’t do it though, my cousin did. In a strange bit of irony, he stole the tools from the father of the girl my brother knocked up about six months later.

I love small town life.

Okay, this post has been pretty depressing so far, but I promise I’m getting there.

You are responsible for your own life,” is one of the central themes of The Big Dick Chronicles. I want to give you a glimpse into what I grew up with specifically to point out that none of that shit matters.

With everything I experienced, had I chosen to adopt a “poor but arrogant” mindset, it still would be entirely my fault. I know this because I had choices to make at every step along the way. Nothing was predestined. But I did learn one crucial truth that I can only truly appreciate now.

When you are poor, you have no room for error.

My older brother dropped out of college because he didn’t keep coolant in his truck and blew up the motor. He was attempting to commute 60 miles to school and lost his transportation. Poor maintenance, lack of funds, goodbye higher education.
No margin for error.

Okay, let’s move on to the heart warming part of the story. This is mostly a tribute to my father (he’s still alive and doing fine by the way), who had the foresight to teach me some surprisingly simple lessons. But be forewarned, simple doesn’t mean easy.

These are the lessons he has taught me.

1. You must value learning.
My 23 year old father taught me to tell time when I was four years old.

Every time he sat down to relax, he had a book in his hand. Every evening in our home found the three of us sitting around the living room, watching tv and reading books.

He was not a demanding man, but he made it clear that he expected our best in school. Once we proved we were capable of something, that became our new normal. Good grades were expected because he knew we could. My brother graduated 3rd in his class and I graduated 1st in mine.

If you come from an educated family, this may sound common place. But realize that my father was the only one on either side of my family that actively encouraged learning for his children. I have several cousins, and one sister, who didn’t finish high school. In our modern age, this is unconscionable to me, but it’s true.

2. Keep your nose clean
I come from a long line of criminals, going back generations on my father’s side.

We’ve had moonshiners, druggies, and thieves.  I still have 2nd cousins who run chop shops in St. Louis. My dad’s sister was the first person to offer me drugs. Most of my family has been arrested for something at some point in their life.

My father was arrested once; because they mistook him for his brother. I remember being 7-8 years old and hiding under the covers in my grandparents living room when the sheriff came looking for my uncle.  He was hiding in the bedroom. He had escaped from prison in Michigan where he was serving time for stealing cars.

When my grandfather died, the death bed discussion among my aunts and uncles was about how to break into my cousin’s house to steal grandpa’s pain pills.

Folks, I wish I was making this stuff up.

In a family that was always looking for the easy answer, my father refused to participate. He avoided the drugs that were rampant in our family, and stayed out of jail.

Again, most people would consider that last sentence a no-brainer, but it was the culture of our family. It was, and still is, expected that you’re going to end up in jail at some point.

You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult to stay out of jail, but you’d be surprised. I had a cop read me my rights when I was 16 because I had wrecked my truck and my uncle (the escapee) towed it away from the scene and hid it at my grandparent’s house. In case you didn’t know, that’s called fleeing the scene of an accident with property damage.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

I went to the station and squared it away. The fact that I came in on my own is the only reason I didn’t go to jail.

No margin for error.

3. Work your ass off
My father worked. It was never fancy, but he always found his way into a supervisor or management position everywhere he went. Most of his life was spent in factories, but wherever he went, he did his best.

He had no tolerance for the men who complained about actually being expected to perform at their job. “You want me to bust my ass for minimum wage? Hell no. I’m doing just enough to not get fired.” He expected them to bust their ass because it was right. Because it was what he did every day.

I graduated high school at the top of my class. I had a 4.0 gpa and was headed for college in the fall but I took an unconventional path for my summer job. I was a chicken catcher.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

This was one of those jobs you didn’t even apply for. If you were willing to work, you just showed up. If you stayed, you got paid. It was by far the nastiest, most grueling work I could imagine.

No one expected me to make it. “College boy, what are you doing out here? This ain’t for college boys. You won’t last a week.

But I did make it. And I was damn good at it, too.

I learned a lot from those guys. First, I learned that I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Second, they valued one thing; can you work?

I had never been admired for my work ethic before. They didn’t give a shit about my education or my ambitions. They wanted to know if I could keep up and come back tomorrow.

I took that job for one reason. I knew that when I went to college I would have to work every minute I wasn’t in class. If I could handle that job, anything I had to do during college would be a cakewalk. I was right. It’s still the worst thing I’ve ever done.

4. The right marriage choice is crucial
This time my father taught me what not to do. He is currently on his fourth wife. My father suffers from a severe fear of being alone. It has led him to make poor choices in choosing a wife and he found himself starting over numerous times.

Don’t get pregnant in high school.

If you do, the odds of ending up a single parent are astronomical. My dad did it. My older brother did it and he called me the other day to tell me his 18 year old daughter did it. Being a single parent is hard enough. Doing it while poor is damn near impossible.

Everybody in my family has been divorced except me and my grandparents. Seriously. For two generations, everyone in my family (older than me. I’m exempting the younger relatives that are just getting started) that has ever been married, is divorced. Divorce has heavily affected my family financially and emotionally, and it led to complete instability in the lives of the kids in my family. This is a topic that deserves its own post, so I’ll move on for now.

So I took my time. A long time. And I’ll be damned if my first attempt at a relationship didn’t almost ruined it all. Like I said, no margin.

My wonderful wife is only the second relationship I’ve ever had. After almost getting sucked in by a co-dependent young lady with a ton of issues, I realized I needed to get it right on the next try.

It wasn’t fun and loneliness hurts like a bitch. But it felt like my options were waiting for a legitimately good fit, or calling my dad to tell him there is another grand kid on the way and we’ll set a wedding date soon.

My wife was worth the wait.

5. No one is going to take care of you.
This is the lesson I am most thankful to my father for teaching me.

As a single parent, working for just above minimum wage, my father made the decision not to accept any public assistance. We survived on what he earned and it wasn’t pretty. We weren’t homeless, but we lived in low end rental houses and trailers. My father drove a mid-seventies Chevy Nova with a missing door handle. You opened the door with a screw driver.

What was his reasoning? “I made my mistakes. They are mine to take care of.”

When I turned 18, my father gave me one of the most important speeches of my life. “Son, I love you but you’re on your own.

See, my father had married for a third time and taken on three new step-children by this time. They needed the support more than I did.

So I took that to heart. I drove my ’64 Ford truck to college and scraped by. I ate peanut butter and jelly in my dorm room on weekends. Not sandwiches, just peanut butter and jelly. I didn’t have money for the bread. I cooked cheap frozen burritos on the hot plate of my coffee pot because I didn’t have the money to rent a microwave for my room. The coffee pot is also hot enough to cook Ramen Noodles if you let them soak long enough.

Even though I didn’t feel it at the time, I was a man. And he expected me to be capable of doing what men do; providing for themselves, finding their own way, building their own lives.

Why did this matter so much to me? My dad’s generation in my family is falling apart. They are in their late 40’s and 50’s and whatever health the drugs haven’t taken is being consumed by diabetes and heart disease. In large numbers, they barely work; their entire existence is reliant on government assistance. And most of my generation is following in their footsteps.

I don’t see my family much anymore. Distance helps; we’re about five hours away. But we made the decision that they were more a liability to our family than an asset. I don’t want, or need, my children being influenced by them. And sadly, they refuse to be influenced by me. I’m at peace with that.

When we go back home, we visit my father and my grandparents and that’s it. We’ve had to separate ourselves from the rest of the family and that’s okay. We’re just going different directions, I guess.

Am I unbelievably blessed? Absolutely. I don’t doubt that for a second and I thank God that he was watching over me as I went through that stage of my life. But the choices I had to make were not monumental. The difficulty was not getting distracted by all the dysfunction going on around me.

So there you have it. The origin story of the Big Dick Chronicles. It’s been an interesting ride.

Overcoming The “Poor But Arrogant” Mindset pt1

The Bell Curve is a bitch.

Erect Penis Size Chart

Erect Penis Size Chart

Unless this one is true. In which case, I take back everything I just said. If the Big Dick Chronicles ever folds, I think my next blog will be called The Standard Deviants.

But that’s not why I’m here.

In America, where there are no strict barriers against upward mobility, most poor people are going to stay poor. You can offer them access to all the information they need to improve their lives and most of them won’t use it. What is worse, most won’t even try.

Some will escape their poverty and move on to better things, but not many. I wish it weren’t true, but it is.What is really frustrating is trying to understand why they will stay poor.

Some are going to endure legitimate hardships that they can’t overcome; they will be injured, or develop a life long illness, or be born with diminished capacities.

For example; I have a cousin whose mother drank like a fish when she was pregnant. He qualifies as functionally retarded, but he’s also just…retarded. He went to jail for stealing a newspaper vending machine. There is no mystery here. His future is quite clearly established.

Some will try and fail. They will work hard to develop a life and it simply won’t pan out.

But not most. Most will simply be content to stay where they are. In fact, they may even find it preferable. They will continue in the ways of their fathers and they will pass on their dysfunctional ways to their children.

Normally, I try to include some relevant data in my posts to back up my points, but not today. Today I’m speaking anecdotally about my upbringing. So its possible that we were the only dysfunctionally poor family in America and none of this applies to the rest of you.

But we weren’t. What I’m going to describe took place all around me. So perhaps it was just my small town.

But it wasn’t. I moved to the other side of the state and found the same things happening. So I’m just going to continue and you can judge for yourself whether you’ve encountered any of these problems.

What do I mean “poor but arrogant”? Don’t confuse it with the phrase, “poor but proud.” I am not talking about your hard working farmer or blue collar worker who works his ass off every day to eke out a living and is content with what he has. There are many amazing people out there who understand the value of a honest days work. They keep their homes and equipment in immaculate condition. They wouldn’t steal a penny to save their life.

I know those folks exist, but they aren’t why we’re here.

I’m talking about those who find no shame in being unable to meet their own basic needs. Who don’t feel guilty that they contribute nothing of value to society. Those who don’t realize that there actions almost guarantee a life of failure for their children. This was the world I was born into.

To help you understand what I’m describing, here are five mindsets that were typical of the “Poor but Arrogant” culture I grew up in.

1. “This is just my lot in life.”
The idea that their situation could change is completely foreign. Some people are just always going to be poor (that unspoken bell curve) and there is nothing you can do about that. Their only hope is to win the lottery.

They are exempt from any personal responsibility on the basis of bad luck.

2. “Someone owes me a living.”
Employers are the bad guy. They would rather live on unemployment than go work some minimum wage job making some asshole rich.

My aunt (the one that offered me drugs, more on that later) told me she was better off not working. She got more in welfare and food stamps than she would make at a job. If she got off her ass and worked 40 hours a week, she would lose money so fuuuuck that.

3. The man is just trying to keep me down.
When Johnny goes to jail, it isn’t because Johnny broke the law. It’s because those prick cops get a hard-on hassling people. When the bank repossesses his car for non-payment, it isn’t his fault. Those greedy bastards took advantage of him when he tried to borrow money that he couldn’t pay back for a car that he couldn’t afford.

Here is an example. My younger sister, who dropped out of high school, called me one day to ask me to co-sign on a car loan for her and her husband.
Her: “We can afford it, but they won’t give us the loan without a co-signer.”
Me: “That’s because you can’t afford it. They know you won’t make the payment. Let me ask you, how much money do you have in the bank right this minute?”
Her: “I don’t know, maybe three, four hundred dollars.”
Me: “Girl, you don’t have a car payment now and you still don’t have enough money to pay the taxes to license the car. Don’t tell me you can afford a car payment.”
Her: “Fine. Thanks a lot.”

Guess whose fault it was that she couldn’t get the car?

4. I’ll always be poor, so I might as well enjoy what I’ve got as best I can.
Go to the rent a center and pickup that 50″ big screen for $45/month. Spend all your money on video games, cell phones, mud tires for your pickup and booze. This is all you can hope for out of life, so take it where you can get it.

Here’s a quick quiz to determine if your poor.

"Low, low monthly payments. We promise."

“Low, low monthly payments. We promise.”

Congratulations. If you recognize that name, you’re poor. And an idiot.

Full disclosure; I only included that because I was that idiot who bought a stereo out a magazine, on payments, because I didn’t qualify for a credit card. Hey, some lessons come later that others.

5. There is no such thing as preventive maintenance.
This was a concept that I didn’t even know existed until I was an adult. When you are poor, everything you own is disposable. You buy cheap with the understanding that it isn’t going to last long enough to bother maintaining.
The first eight vehicles I owned cost me an average of $500 each. Consider that; most of my automobiles cost less than the new set of tires they always needed.

For example! I drove a ’64 Ford pickup truck to college. It looked like this

Chick magnet

But with more bondo.

In 1995!

The concept applied to where you lived, what you drove, your furniture, and worst of all, your health. You eat as much as you can as often as you can. You eat cheap because packaged food cost less (not in the long run, I know) than fresh food. You don’t go to the doctor. You don’t exercise. You drink or smoke what you can as often as you can.

Can you see how difficult it would be to make any progress in life if this is how you see the world?

I want to tell you about my upbringing and how I managed to escape this self-defeating world view. I have to be careful not to overstate my accomplishment, because in the end, I’m going to tell you that it was surprisingly simple. The main theme I want you to see is that the opportunity to improve beyond my situation was always present.

Stay tuned….