To be clear, this isn’t about being a dick. Years ago, when I was a teenager, I had a conversation with a younger friend from our church. He was just struggling with big self esteem issues and one day I gave him this advice: “Justin, you just got to tell yourself, ‘I’ve got a big dick’. And then decide, how would I handle this situation if I had a big dick?”
At the time, it was mostly a joke as Justin was a fairly small guy and most definitely did not have a big dick. But we’re in a slightly different boat here. I’m 6’2 and Brian is 6′. We’ve discussed this stuff, because we’re guys and that’s what guys do, and it turns out that we’re both living in the land of plenty.
The concept of “tell yourself, I’ve got a big dick” came up again when Brian began chatting with a girl after his divorce. As he tried to figure out how to handle the communication aspect of a new relationship (It’s been 3 hours since I texted her and she hasn’t responded. Should I try again?) the question came up again. How would you handle this situation if you had a big dick? (I’d wait for her to call me. And I’d probably be talking to another girl while I waited)
And so the journey began. Every question about how to handle a situation starts with the premise, “What would I do if I had a big dick?”
What’s so special about the size of your dick?
Guys don’t ask this question. I’ve only included it in case a woman is looking over your shoulder as you read this.
As much as anything else in our world, men derive a sense of power, and empowerment, from the size of their man meat. We learn from an early age that a big package earns us respect from other men and admiration from women. More importantly, we learn very quickly that the opposite is true as well.
Every teenage boy remembers the threat of being de-pantsed in school and everyone seeing what’s down there. Every guy remembers the dread of showering in gym class and the fear of getting naked for the first time with a girl.
The size of our dick is the mental measuring stick that we use to determine our station in life. Think about how we look at people around us. You see an average size guy in a jacked up 4×4 truck or an expensive race car. What’s the first thing you think? Penis envy. A group of women are watching guys walk through a mall. “You know what they say about big hands and big feet….” Everyone acknowledges there is value to a big dick.
But here’s the thing. Unless you routinely send pics of your junk to random strangers, odds are good that very few people actually know what you’re packing. It isn’t like women’s breasts, which are on full display whether they like it or not. The size of your asset is a guarded secret and we’re here to help you use that to your advantage.
So, what does Big Dick Living look like?
Let me repeat again, this isn’t about being a dick. It isn’t about being an obnoxious douche bag. Big Dick guys do NOT where Affliction t-shirts. I don’t care if you are helping your grandmother cross the street and feeding homeless kittens. If you wear an Affliction t-shirt, leave now.
Both Brian and I are Christians, which means we have a special duty to refrain from encouraging douche baggery. What we are discussing is as applicable to Christian men as it is to anyone else. Though sometimes I fear the church has forgotten that men have penises at all. But that’s for another time.
Big Dick living is about approaching life from a position of strength. One of the lessons that I have tried diligently to internalize is this; Positive attributes can only come from a position of strength. Grace, mercy, charity, love, encouragement, wisdom. These are not the attributes of the weak. Even humility is a characteristic of the strong.
Here is what I mean- I might have the most generous heart on the planet. But if my neighbor needs to borrow $100 and I’ve only got $10, I am of no use to him. If my neighbor owes me $100 and my refrigerator is empty, I’m not in a position to forgive his debt; my kids have to eat.
If a friend asks you for marital advice and you are on your way to the lawyer’s office to file for divorce, you have nothing to offer him.
It isn’t humbleness to walk away from a fight you know you would lose. It might be wise, but isn’t humble. True humility is walking away from a fight when you know you would wipe the floor with the guy, but you choose not to. Even if people laugh and call you a coward, you know the truth.
Big Dick living is simply about asking yourself, “How would I handle this situation if I was the one in the position of power?”
I guess we could have just called it that and left out the offensive “dick” part, but that really is half the fun.