WWZMD: What Would Zack Morris Do?

Brian says,

I suppose I’ll join the party.

After reading one of Adam’s recent posts I realized that I had  just received a verbal “bitch slap” from my much more talented and intelligent but less attractive and far less cool friend for not contributing enough to our efforts to educate the recovering “nice guys”. I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring.


 Growing up in the late 80s & early 90s, there was no greater influence on how I wanted to be perceived than Zack Morris from “Saved by the Bell”.

As a home schooled kid in rural Missouri, that show was the only reality as to what school or being a cool kid was going to be like if I ever got to go to school.

Zack always had a plan, never put in all of the work (he had Screech for that… I have Adam!!!…I’ll take Adam!) and in the end, everything wound up making Zack out to be the hero & the one who knew it would all work out. That’s what I wanted.

Needless to say, when I attended school starting in 6th grade, my TV education did not give me the desired effect. With a bow tie on and absolute no friends, I was not Zack Morris (hell, i wasn’t even Screech), I…was an “Extra”!

Not even important enough for anyone to care about my name, but that was a good life lesson. I have always been a fast talker and very “quippy” (a trait that did not benefit me in middle school,  a time where “Bullies” were not hated and stopped & looked down upon, but rather used as “enforcers” by the popular clicks to do there bidding), after a few broken noses and a good “spit in the face in front of the entire gym class” I decided to just employ passive resistance as opposed to not being such a smart ass! Because, HEY…I’m not gonna change who I am just to save myself from a few ass beatings.

                                             Fast forward to present day.

 I’m not a list maker, but there is always “an order” to do things in, and I didn’t do it right after the divorce. I jumped into a relationship that I had no business being in given my current state, and as expected (and predicted by Adam… Damn, I hate it when he’s right…but he always is!… he’s like a card counter playing “magic the gathering”… 10 minuets into the game and he can tell everyone playing what they have left in there hand, the order in which they will play it and exactly how the game will end…with him winning… its a blessing and a curse) the relationship ended and I decided it was time to start the process of “doing things in the right order”.

Counseling, books on boundaries, and the Divorce Class were on my agenda and I have no problem with any of them, in fact, I like them… it was while attending the 1st divorce recovery class at the church I attend that I had my first chance to be the “Good looking, smooth talking, always has the answer” Zack Morris!

 When asked if anyone wanted to share there story, I instantly shot my hand up like an arrow shooting straight to the sun…being careful not to do it in a way that might put off some of the more depressed singles in the room, of which I was the only man. After a very edited version of my grief and loss leading up to my divorce, my audience had a look of shock and appreciation at what I had just said. I had struck pay dirt on day one. 

 From that point on, the leaders have looked to me for input and insights into the lessons.  The humorous thing is, I’m not always prepared for the class and usually come into it not having read all of the lesson.  The “Kelly Kapowski” of the class sits directly to my right and I can tell that every week she knows that I come in unprepared and ill equipped to be the classes shining star and is waiting for “comeuppance, but it doesn’t happen. With a last minute nugget from Adam or a piece of seemingly useless trivia, I can always make a point that gets the whole class to nod in unison and give a good “yeah…that’s right Brian…Good point”.

 That’s when I flash “Kelly” a Devilish grin and she realizes that I’ve done it again !!! 

 I’m slowly coming to the realization, judging by the looks in there eyes as the class lets out, that I have become Zack Morris & that they hate the fact that I’ve done it again but at the same time love the fact that I’m that confident…and that is being “BIG DICK!!”

                                      So,” What Would Zack Morris Do?”

                                          Two chicks at the same time!


Sure, I can do a three way...phone call!

Sure, I can do a three way…phone call!


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