Our Run in with a Facebook Douchebag

My wife got a Facebook friend request from a guy she knew in school. She says they messed around one summer after she graduated, but that was the extent of the relationship. She says he had a small penis and was very subpar in bed.

We are sitting on the bed last night, watching a movie. I glance over and see her typing. It’s a Facebook chat with this guy. Now, for all her wonderful qualities, my wife is, by her own proclamation, a bit naïve. He initiated the conversation. Within the first two lines, I can see where this is going. His 4th comment is “U look really good. Haven’t changed.” You guys can already see where this is going, can’t you?

Now, let me be very clear about what is going on here. I’m right next to her, watching this conversation take place. She isn’t hiding anything from me. At this point, she’s giving me this “why is he talking to me?” look. But, she’s a friendly person so she continues. Says thanks and turns the conversation back to questions about his kids.

Now, if you aren’t sure about the proper etiquette for complimenting a married woman, this is about as far as you can properly go. But he doesn’t stop there.

Next line is, “I was thinking about U a week or so ago.”

Had I not been right there watching with amusement, she would have shut the conversation down right then. In one second, this guy went from “old friend” to douchebag trying to make a move on a married woman. She looks at me and I laughed. I told her to feel free to run this out as far as she wanted

He proceeds to start with the “remember back when…” comments, which she does a nice job of deflecting with humor. But the dynamic that is taking place was a surprise to her when we talked about it later. Every time she didn’t stop him, he took it as a sign to continue. It wasn’t enough that she didn’t agree or approve of his comments. He wasn’t looking for permission to keep going. The fact that she didn’t stop him was enough to make him think she was on board.

It didn’t take long before he commented on a Facebook photo of her that accentuated her new boobs. In less than 30 minutes, the conversation had gone from “Hey, how ya doing?” to “You’ll have to send me more pics” followed immediately by a request for her phone number. At this point, she simply told him she had to go, talk to you later. That was her polite way of ending the conversation, because she just isn’t mean enough to be harsh with him. After she logged off, there was one last comment from him. “Maybe next time.”

When we talked about it afterwards, she was shocked that he went there. She had never had someone try that before and she honestly didn’t see it coming, even though we were actively discussing the fact that he was hitting on her the whole time.

Was my wife impressed at all with his attempts to play “pickup artist”? Nope. She found it a bit pathetic that he kept trying no matter how much she mentioned kids and her loving husband.

I’m kind of hoping he keeps at it so I can give him the “Knock that shit off” message. I’m about 112% sure I can beat the shit out of him if it ever came to that, but so far she wants me to stay out of it. As long as he doesn’t get blatantly disrespectful with her (I know, asking a married woman for boob shots is already disrespectful), I’ll stay out of it.

This is why I love my wife. She’s perfectly comfortable that she can diffuse this situation on her own. We’ve been doing this long enough that I know I can trust her and she knows I trust her. She will handle this guy just fine. And I’ll be slightly disappointed that I won’t get the chance to beat his ass.

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