Masturbation; You’re Doing It Wrong

A recent survey indicated that approximately 80% of men ages 30-39 masturbate…. and the other 20% lied about it. That makes jerkin the gerkin about as common as breathing. As a college buddy once told me, “we talk about masturbation like we talk about the weather” and that’s what we’re going to do today.

Here at the Big Dick Chronicles, we talk about ways to improve your awesomeness. If there was ever a topic that seemed to straddle the line between Big Dick and beta schlub, it is the topic of masturbation. While nearly every guy does it, it tends to fall in the same category as picking your nose; yes, you’re going to do it, just don’t do it where anybody can see you and don’t tell anyone about it.

So, is there a way to turn your regular, lonely,  Tuesday night game of pocket pool into a feat of awesome manliness? I don’t know, but we’re sure gonna give it a try!

Let’s start with the question of “is there anything inherently wrong with masturbating?” My unequivocal answer is “hell no”. It’s mine and I can play with it if I want. There is nothing sinful about it and last I checked, it hadn’t affected my eye sight at all. And besides, it’s fun!

"This is the highlight of my day"

“This will be the highlight of my day”

With that said, let’s examine a couple of situations where it can become a problem. It isn’t so much about what you’re doing (unless you’re David Carradine) but why you’re doing it that needs to be examined.

Illustrating his famous two handed "pelican snatches a snake" technique.

Illustrating his famous two handed “crane snatches a snake” technique.

1. You aren’t getting enough sex.
This is probably the most common reason for spanking it and understandably so. You get the urge, the wife isn’t interested and you’ve got two perfectly good hands. You rub it out and move on. What could go wrong?

Well, first, it doesn’t address the problem of why aren’t you getting laid? It’s much easier to choose not to address a problem if you have another solution that you decide is “good enough to get you by”. Masturbation provides a buffer to insulate you from the pain of not getting regular, fulfilling sex with your wife.

There is a psychological concept called “the pain of change vs the pain of staying the same.” Basically, you will endure whatever level of pain you are currently feeling as long as you perceive the pain of change to be greater. Only when the pain of your current situation becomes too much will you seek out change.

There are dozens of reasons why trying to change the situation would seem painful, but you have to compare it to the pain you’re feeling in a low sex marriage. Masturbation to relieve the pain only serves to skew the dynamic of the pain of change vs the pain of the same and prolong your current misery.

Second, if you’re wife turns you down and you go take care of it, what incentive does she have to tell you yes? You’ll get sex when she wants sex and leave her alone the rest of the time. You can complain about a lack of sex, but as long as she knows you’ll go away, don’t expect significant change to take place.

2. You’re doing it to avoid sex.
You laugh, but it happens. Every guy has the urge for sex, but that doesn’t mean we all think we’re studs. Performance anxiety is a bitch and some guys will go to great links to avoid it. Relieving the pressure in order to resist the urge to approach your wife is pretty dysfunctional, but the bigger issue is the problem that drives it.

If it’s performance anxiety, why aren’t you working on improving yourself? The whole purpose of this website is to motivate you to go be awesome. If sex is your weak spot, get to work!

If you seen so much porn that you can’t get aroused by your wife unless she’s got a gag ball in her mouth and wearing your aunt’s underwear, cut that shit out. She deserves better than that.

Maybe you’re doing it out of spite; she’s turned you down 57 times in a row, but now she’s getting all touchy feely. You want to say, “Screw you” but that’s like cutting off your dick to spite your balls. The better revenge would be to pound her into the mattress and make her wonder why she waited so long.

3. What’s fueling your sessions?
The big morality issue with masturbation comes in when you discuss what’s going through your head while you massage your meat. The vast majority of guys are pulling up the porn to pull on their pud.

There are a couple of questions to consider here. First, do you think it’s wrong? The sexual urge is damn hard to resist. If you believe porn is wrong, but you’ve tied it to this irresistible urge, you are setting yourself up for a serious bout of cognitive dissonance. That’s a situation where you can’t emotionally reconcile your actions and your beliefs. You tell yourself porn is wrong and you want to stop, but you just can’t. Suddenly you are associating your sexuality with shame and guilt.

Second, does your spouse think it’s wrong? When they say porn damages marriages, it usually revolves around the fact that you’re bringing something into the marriage that the wife can’t accept. She knows you aren’t satisfied and now you are turning to an unrealistic fantasy woman that she can’t compete with. So begins a vicious cycle; she isn’t attracted to you, you withdraw to porn. She becomes less attracted to you and you withdraw more.

We aren’t trying to resolve the porn debate here, so I’ll stop there.

4. It creates separation between you and your wife.
This is where I actually make a recommendation for how to improve your situation. Several years ago, my wife and I discussed her feelings about me choking the chicken. She had no problems with it. It seemed to fill the gaps between my drive and hers. I will admit, at the time I was fine with that scenario.

What I realize now is that our arrangement meant a good portion of my sex life was not conducted with my wife. Like most guys, it never crossed my mind to play the skin flute while she lay next to me. I know; sometimes this is private time and you don’t necessarily want an audience, but if you are trying to build intimacy with your wife, try this-

Don’t leave the room.

First, it’s your bed, too. You’ve got just as much right to conduct yourself there as your wife does. If you are getting turned down for sex, but still feeling the urge, proceed without her. If she has a problem with it, she can leave the room. If you are generally a shower wacker, save it for the bedroom.

I realize we all fear looking like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, but get over it. There are a couple of possible outcomes here:
1. She rejects it.
That’s too bad. She needs to find someplace to be for the next five minutes. It needs to be clear that this is the outcome of her rejecting sex. Not in a pissy way either, you’re a man for crying out loud. Don’t sulk your way through it trying to make her feel bad. Your attitude needs to be, “There will be sex in this bed tonight, with or without you”.

2. She confronts reality.
Perhaps she will realize that this is the real way her marriage has been functioning for some time. Remember, this is mostly your fault. You are the one who has been providing the buffer by choosing to handle it yourself. She just assumed everyone was fine with the arrangement.

Watching you beat your meat may cause her to consider that perhaps she should be more involved in the process. Which brings us to number three:

3. She gets more involved in the process.
Last night, we were lying in bed, talking about random life stuff. We had been touchy enough during the night, but I just didn’t get the impression that she was in the mood for sex. So I lay there and started to rub one out. We just kept talking and after several minutes, the conversation was winding down. I’m enjoying rubbing on her leg as I go and she was fine to let me.

After several minutes, I was satisfied; no need to take it to completion. She asked, “aren’t you going to finish?” Nope, I’m good. We talked for a minute, then I reached over to kiss her good night. The kiss got deeper. I decided I might want to keep going after all. As I got close, I asked her if she wanted to help me finish, which she gladly did. In fact, I think she has chosen to assist every time I’ve done this.

When does masturbation work best? When it brings you closer to your wife. As we discovered, she can’t finish you off if you’re in the other room.

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