One day when I was in high school, I listened to a conversation my basketball coach and my father were having. My coach was talking about the number of parents who came to him and complained that their kid didn’t get to play enough.
Over and over again, he got the question “Why can’t you just give them a chance?” His answer was always the same;
“I see your kid every day in practice. He can’t hit a shot in practice, he won’t hit it during the game. He doesn’t hustle on defense, he won’t hustle during the game.”
It all came down to- “You play like you practice”.
In the first year of our marriage, sex was very infrequent. There were lots of factors at play; different schedules, my wife still finishing college, the stress of being independent from her parents, etc.
But the single biggest reason was me.
Because we were infrequent, when we finally did have sex, I didn’t last very long. This of course was unsatisfying for both of us. I felt cheated out of my once a month sex and my wife was left wondering why she even bothered. In a particularly weak attempt to defend myself, I told her, “You know, if we did this more often I would last longer.”
I was, in essence, pleading “Put me in coach!” If you would put me the in the game more often, I would perform better. I’m not getting enough game time and that’s why I’m shooting air balls and double dribbling.
But in reality, I was playing like I practiced.
I’m secure enough now to acknowledge that I was a horrible lover to my wife at that time. I don’t just mean in the bedroom. My day to day “practice” sessions were just bad. I didn’t know how to read her. I didn’t know how to approach her. I tried to convince her that I would be a stud for her in bed, but there was nothing studly about my day to day actions.
She watched me practice all day long and it wasn’t pretty. Then at bed time, I would try to convince her that I was capable of so much more than I had been showing her.
She didn’t buy it.
Gentleman, listen up. If you aren’t getting laid, it’s because you suck in practice. Plain and simple. If I may be so bold, let me offer a few suggestions that you need to put into practice immediately.
1. Stop doing things for sex.
If I hear one more married woman complain that she might be in the mood for sex if her husband would help with the dishes, there’s gonna be a beatin’.
Let’s be very clear about this, yes, relieving stress may help a woman be more relaxed to enjoy sex, but it absolutely does not increase her attraction to you and that has to come first.
For example. Wife is in the kitchen putting away groceries and you take the opportunity to walk up and nuzzle her neck. You get that snarky, “I might think about it if I wasn’t stuck in the kitchen for four hours a night!” response to your touch.
That sounds like an invitation right? You help her in the kitchen and she’ll put out tonight. So you jump in. Or, perhaps you’ve been here before so you are prepared. You get there before she even asks. You’ve got the car unloaded and put away before she can even get the key out of the ignition. You are absolutely getting in the game tonight. Right?
You dumb bastard.
We both know how this ends. You help with the chores and bedtime rolls around and you get the, “You never do anything to help me unless you think it’s gonna get you laid.”
What just happened here?
It’s simple: putting away groceries isn’t sexy. Bathing the kids isn’t sexy. Helping with the cooking; not sexy. Doing the laundry; not sexy. These things are never going to make your wife crave your dick. Never.
She doesn’t appreciate your help because you have an ulterior motive. You feel cheated because she didn’t follow through. She feels justified in telling you no and your only recourse is to try harder next time, or stop. Of course, this just leads back to the start of the cycle where she says you aren’t getting sex because she’s too tired. Rinse and repeat.
How about this: Do these things because you should. Help out when needed because it is the right thing to do. Or, don’t, if you wife is just being lazy or is an entitled princess type who just wants to be catered to.
Break the connection between sex and chores. Hell, break the connection between sex and any activity that you do with the expectation that sex will be your reward or payment.
Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you. Which leads us to exercise number two-
2. Touch your wife. Often. With no expectation of sex.
Have you ever heard this one? “I don’t kiss you back because every time I do, you think it’s going to lead to sex.”
Let’s track this vicious cycle: You go for the passionate kiss, she responds. You escalate. If she knows this is coming, it changes to: You go for the kiss, she pulls away. Then the only time she does respond is when she wants to escalate. So the feedback you get is, “If she responds, we’re on for sex”. You think it’s going to lead for sex because that is the response she has trained you to expect.
Let’s reset the dynamic. Touch her, kiss her, nuzzle her neck. Then walk away. Even if she responds, do not escalate. If she asks why you did that, keep it simple. “Because you’re hot.” “I appreciate a nice ass” “Because I can”.
This does a couple of things. It gets both of you comfortable with touch for touch’s sake. No ulterior motives. She can feel secure in responding to you without having to worry about saying no to sex.
But at the same time, it keeps that physical aspect of your relationship near the surface. You are building responsive desire throughout the day. You are setting a mood for her to be attracted to you. BUT! It isn’t designed to lead to sex.
I love fondling my wife. I can make due with less sex as long as I’ve got access to her body. If I can walk up and stick my hand up her shirt and get a nice long kiss, that will tide me over for longer than you would expect. We’re building a sexual relationship, not just a relationship with sex.
Speaking of sex-
3. When you initiate, don’t stop until she stops you.
This can be a bit tricky to decipher. You approach and get the “Really? Tonight?” type response. If you are a Nice Guy, you stop right there. God forbid you press on and feel like a jerk for not respecting her boundaries.
But here is the reality; this actually means “spend 10 more minutes on the tits and try again.” Your wife is designed to respond to you. If you stop now, she hasn’t had a chance to flip the switch. If you keep going, there is a good chance that her body will respond. Then, you’re in like Flynn.
It could also be that she’s messing with you. Maybe she wants you to work for it a bit. Stopping short just proves that you don’t have the cajones to take what you want.
If she isn’t into it, you’ll know it. It will sound like this; “No”.
The following are true stories from our marriage. As you read them, ask yourself, at what point would you have stopped?
Almost time to get the kids from school, we were both home. I start groping at her and kissing on her neck and get token protests, but she doesn’t stop me. I sit her down in the chair, kissing on her. She is thoroughly unimpressed, but doesn’t stop me so I keep going.
Zero response from her, so I pull her up and walk her up the stairs, unbuttoning her pants as we go. I literally push her, heels dug in, to the edge of the bed. Pull her pants down and take her from behind as she stands there bent over the bed completely immobile.
The entire time, the Nice Guy in me is screaming, “This is wrong! You’re being a F@#$ a-hole! She is hating you right now.” But I reminded myself that she would stop me if she really wanted to.
I finish, start getting dressed and ready to go. She cleans up then says she going to take a nap, see you in a little while.
I wanted to so bad to ask her if I had done something wrong, but I controlled myself. I came back with the kids and curled up in bed with her and she nestled into me. Everything was fine.
We talked about it later. Sometimes she enjoys just letting me take her like that. She enjoys the mock pissed off-ness of it. She confirmed that she would not do it if she didn’t want to. She would have been pissed if I had asked her if she was mad at me.
I wake my wife up with a kiss and soft caress.
Her: Your breath smells like coffee.
Me: You haven’t brushed your teeth. We’re even.
Her:I have to pee
Me: Is that your new default answer?
Her: Do you want me to back to “I’ve got a headache?”
(She rolls away from me. I start kissing her shoulders and back of her neck. Hands move to her breast.)
Her: So, hows that taste? Tastes like rejection doesn’t it?
Me: Taste just fine. (Keep kissing and squeezing)
Her: Ow, that hurts. (maybe a bit hard on the nipple, maybe not)
(I adjust and start kissing it to make it feel better)
No response from her, just a change in breathing. Good sign, keep going.
Suddenly she rolls over on her belly. I start to pull her pants off. Absolutely no response from her. Pure dead weight.
Her: (as I fumble to get the pants off her feet) I’m impressed by your expertise.
Me: I get the job done.
Pants off, insert fingers. Immediate response from her. No talking.
(after a minute or so of this) Her: I told you I have to pee.
Me: Yeah, but you didn’t.
Another minute later, she jumps up
Her: Okay, I really gotta pee now.
She comes back. We have sex.
If you’re sex life is lacking, it’s time for you to take charge. I challenge you to try implementing these three changes and see what the response is.
If it doesn’t work, it means she isn’t attracted to you. We can talk about that next time.