Men’s Fashion; A Journey, Not A Destination

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not world’s classiest guy. I grew up in a world of blue jeans, flannel jackets, and Chuck Taylor Converse All Stars. I don’t recall seeing my father in a pair of slacks until his third wedding. He owned a pair of tennis shoes, work boots and baseball cleats.

To some degree, I’ve always equated my lack of fashion sense with my lack of rhythm. I considered it an innate flaw in myself that I would simply have to accept.

Obviously, this is bull. It was just my excuse for mediocrity.

I’m not really in the mood to be mediocre anymore.

And then I realized this is harder than I thought. I don’t know where to shop. I don’t know what to shop for. How do I match colors? How do I match styles? What the hell does a proper fit even look like? Accessories, shoes, hats? What the hell am I getting myself into?

A wolf on your noggin you say? I like wolves. They're bad ass.

A wolf on your noggin you say? I like wolves. They’re bad ass.

I admit, I am a babe lost in the woods.

So, where do you go when you don’t know where to go?
Friends, let me introduce you to The Art of Manliness, a website wholly dedicated to all things manly. They have an entire section on Dress and Grooming. This has been my go to guide for understanding the basics of men’s fashion.

Which leads me to the a question; Where is the dividing line between being a well groomed man and being a metrosexual?

This is more a discussion point than a critique of fashion. It started with a conversation at our Tae Kwon Do class. One of the ladies showed us a picture that she and her husband were arguing about. Their friend had posted a picture of getting his nose hairs waxed. Of course, every guy in the group said, “gay” and no one disagreed, but then we discussed where the line exists.

Going to the barber for a straight razor shave; manly.
Going to a beautician to wax your squirrely eyebrows; metro.
Cleaning under your fingernails with a pocket knife; manly
Getting a manicure; metro.
Wearing jeans so tight you can see the outline of your dick; trick question. Some of us would have to go with hammer pants to avoid this one.

I don't know, still a bit constricting on my ball sack.

I don’t know, still a bit constricting around the ball sack.

While I am making progress, I’m going to defer to Brian on this one. Of the two of us, he is much more the style guru. So, here is Brian to share his recent experience about high fashion during the Christmas season;

Advice from “THE BIG MAN”

Colder weather is setting in. So those of us cursed with the hair-line of Homer Simpson but blessed with a manly head like Yule Brenner, Bruce Willis, and Patrick Stewart must start wearing hats. I’m not talking about baseball or beanie hats; I’m talking about Fedoras, Trilby’s and Kangols. Along with a good hat, true “Gentlemen” should be wearing a scarf.

While preparing to take my family out to the Christmas parade, I realized that I didn’t
know how to tie a scarf. I knew how to wrap & tuck it but I felt somehow emasculated by my lack of knowledge for how to do such a simple thing.

I remember hearing Adam discussing with another friend of ours a website about “Manliness”, an entire community of men, devoted to helping the sorry excuse’s of this generation become, not our fathers, but more like our grandfathers…carry a handkerchief, open doors for ladies…more or less, be a man!

After viewing a small portion of the site I headed out for some Christmas shopping by myself and made sure my Great Grandfather would have approved of my attire. By the end of the night, after being treated with more respect and getting complemented on my style and looks by 3 different women, I could almost feel my Dick get bigger.

This stuff really works, and what’s more, is after each incident I felt my desire to be classy grow into a fever pitch… I am hooked on “the Art of Manliness”!!!

On thanksgiving day Shannon (a lot has happened since my last post) and I took her kids to Silver Dollar City for the day and we decided to go see Santa.

Shannon insisted that I go through and sit on his lap and I saw no reason not to. He was a very good Santa, I’m not talking fake beard and a beer belly, I’m talking the kind that makes you wanna believe that he’s real. I walk up and he smiles and tells me to sit on his knee…the next words he said made me grin from ear to ear… “Nice Hat”.

I can’t discuss all of the secrets that Santa and I divulged to each other but we had a several minute conversation about being a Gentleman and the need for good hats and ties…(at one point he actually opened the top of his suit to show me he was wearing a tie and snappy cloths under his Santa suit even then.

I don't always sit on Santa's lap, but when I do I make sure I'm dressed like a grown ass man.

I don’t always sit on Santa’s lap, but when I do I make sure I’m dressed like a grown ass man.

After a few minutes we were chatting like we old friends and exchanging stories about the difficulties of finding hats big enough for our heads. Mine is 7.5in if you were wondering. We ended with a handshake that would make the actors from “Mad Men” proud and I walked off the platform and into the gaze of a woman that made me feel like Zeus. That feels great after coming out of a marriage where I was viewed like a rack of yard tools at sears and all I was good for is saying “ok” and writing checks. Shannon asked me what Santa & I talked about…”Hats” I say, “the man has good taste in hats…and he liked mine.”

So with Christmas almost here, just remember that Santa wants you to dress sharp and always be…BIG DICK!!!!!


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