It’s not her, it’s you.
Man, I hate it when I have to do that.
So here is the deal guys, we talked a few days ago about why doing the dishes doesn’t get you laid. I snuck in a small detail and intentionally did not give it much attention because I wanted to explore it further in its own post.
Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.
There is a train of logic we need to follow here, so let’s begin:
1. She will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.
2. She isn’t having sex with you.
3. She isn’t attracted to you.
Now, I understand there are degrees of attraction, it isn’t an either/or scenario. She can be attracted enough to sit by you on the couch. She might be attracted enough to kiss you and let you rub her boobs. Hopefully she doesn’t mace you when she meets in the dark hallway at night.
I’m also assuming that it was better at some point in the past. If your wife has never been into sex, this discussion probably will not change that.
But, if you are an otherwise alright guy and she isn’t putting out, she simply isn’t feeling enough attraction.
“But, but, women can still have sex even if they aren’t in the mood can’t they? She owes me that much.” (says my imaginary reader who doesn’t want to admit that his wife isn’t in to him)
You realize that every time you utter those words your dick shrinks, right?
A quick tutorial on some basic types of married sex.
1. Placating sex. She puts out just often enough to keep you quiet. Your dick shrinks.
2. Ovulation sex. She seems like another woman, but only a couple times a month. Makes you feel like a Big Dick, but leaves you wondering what the hell happened when you get shot down a couple days later.
3. Comfort sex. Sometimes it just feels nice. It’s a bonding thing. No real change in your dick size.
4. Let’s save it for a minute.
Which of these three make you feel like a man? If you have testicles, none of them.
The first one makes you feel like a needy, whiny bitch. If you’ve ever had to say the word “please” to have sex with your wife, it falls in category one and that’s a hell of a place to be.
The second has nothing to do with you. It’s part of your wife’s natural cycle and she’d hump you in your sleep if she had to. Your level of attraction has very little to do with it.
The third is fine for building that secure relationship, but it is still focused on her need for comfort rather than her attraction to you.
So, what is number four? Four is the cock worshipping, pull my hair and call me Sally, mind blowing orgasm sex that all men crave.
And you don’t get that from doing dishes. You get cock worshipping sex when she has a reason to worship your cock. You get mind blowing orgasms when she knows she’s in the hands of a master lover who can overcome her inhibitions and drag them out of her kicking and screaming.
A quick word on what makes a good lover. As a recovering Nice Guy, I thought my job was to be the most attentive, technically proficient lover my wife could ask for. My focus was fully on trying to make sure she reached orgasm every time. It blew my mind when I found out I was doing it wrong.
Do you remember Revenge of the Nerds, where Lewis sneaks in and has sex with the cheerleader while she thinks it’s her boyfriend? She has a mind blowing orgasm and discovers that nerds make better lovers because “all we think about is sex”.
Bullshit, that scene actually ends up looking like Jonah Hill in the opening scene of The Sitter. He gives her a mind blowing orgasm and she laughs off the suggestion that she would return the favor.
Here’s the deal. No matter how much technical proficiency you have, your wife simply is not going to hand her body over to you to be used as your personal cum dumpster (admit it ladies, that really is the best sex), if she isn’t attracted to you.
Here is my proof. Think back to the early years of your relationship. The typical story is that you fucked like bunnies in the beginning. She would do anything, anytime, anywhere. Now, you’re a decade in and she hides behind granny panties and a bathrobe that covers her head to toe.
STOP!!! But what about the dishes?!!? (Says imaginary readers wife who doesn’t want to admit that she isn’t in to him)
I’ll say it again: Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.
Case in point: Brian is in a new relationship and they are still in the “anything, any time, any where” phase. But they aren’t a couple of 20 something college kids. They are in their 30’s, he has two kids and she has three. Do you think that a clean kitchen is a prerequisite for sex when they are together? Nope. They find a time and place for sex. It’s at the top of the “to do” list? Why, because they are attracted to each other.
Check out this post from the marriedmansexlife forum for some interesting examples of what women will do when they are feeling attracted to their man.
So, what changed? Barring medical issues, nothing but you. In the beginning, you gave her a reason to crave your cock, now you’re trying to buy your way in once a week.
Sorry guys, you changed, not her. She just followed your lead.
I realize I need to make an allowance for the bait and switch. If you’re married to a woman who still laughs when she hears “why are brides so happy on their wedding day? Because they know they just gave their last blowjob”, you’ve got a lot of work to do. That’s a post for another day.
So, what can be done about this? What can you do to rebuild the attraction she used to feel and restore her to her former “anything, any time, any place” ways?
1. Get in shape.
Take a look around you. Most of us are on the down hill run by our mid-30’s. The hair is leaving, or turning gray. You’ve gained weight. The six pack turned into a keg. I’ve been very fortunate that I actually look better now at 36 than I did at 19. It took me forever to fill out. I was too thin to be attractive, but I’m working on it now.
Go exercise. Now! You’re running out of time. The longer you wait, the slower your body is to respond. If you want your wife to eyeball you like the hunk of man meat that you are, get in shape.
2. Dress like you got a pair.
We just talked about this one a few days ago. This was a tough hurdle for me. I wanted there to be a way that I could be attractive without having to…you know…look attractive. It doesn’t work, gents. She might love you for who you are in the inside, but she isn’t going to love you unless you present her with something worth seeing. Asking her to love you in spite of your appearance is basically just lazy narcissism.
3. When you do get in the game, you gotta drive it like you stole it.
Sorry about mixing the metaphors, I’ve just been dying to say that.
No more of this Nice Guy bullshit. Your wife isn’t looking for someone to foot massage her to an orgasm. As long as she is healthy and emotionally functional, she wants you to lust after her.
Even when a woman wants a man to “worship” her, she doesn’t want him spending every moment in the bedroom saying, “Is this okay honey? Should I be a little more to the left? Should I try a different position?” She just wants to know that she affects you so strongly that you lose control and ravage her in response to her sexual prowess.
”But not my wife. She never wants sex”
Yeah, but that’s because you suck at it.
How do I know? Because most guys do. Study after study says that average sex lasts 5-7 minutes. The doctor quoted in this article says “Very few people have intercourse that goes longer than 12 minutes.”
Welcome to Big Dick living my friends.
Mi amigos, if you want your wife to worship your dick you better be serving up the goods. How worked up do you expect her to get in anticipation of 5-7 minutes? If you want an extraordinary response from your wife, you better be offering up some extraordinary sex.
Okay, so what if you’ve tried all of this and still no response? You need to head on over to marriedmansexlife forum. I’m not here to play therapist for lost causes. This advice is for the guys who should be getting it right, and can’t quite figure out why they aren’t.
If your wife isn’t attracted to you, the problem is you, not her. Figure out what you need to change to get her attention and then do it. Just ask yourself, what would you do if you were in charge of this situation? For starters, you would look and act like you were in charge.
And once again, that is the whole goal of Big Dick living.