Married Men, If You Aren’t Getting Laid, I’ve Got Some Bad News For You…..

It’s not her, it’s you.

Man, I hate it when I have to do that.

So here is the deal guys, we talked a few days ago about why doing the dishes doesn’t get you laid. I snuck in a small detail and intentionally did not give it much attention because I wanted to explore it further in its own post.

Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.

There is a train of logic we need to follow here, so let’s begin:
1. She will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.
2. She isn’t having sex with you.
3. She isn’t attracted to you.

Now, I understand there are degrees of attraction, it isn’t an either/or scenario. She can be attracted enough to sit by you on the couch. She might be attracted enough to kiss you and let you rub her boobs. Hopefully she doesn’t mace you when she meets in the dark hallway at night.

I’m also assuming that it was better at some point in the past. If your wife has never been into sex, this discussion probably will not change that.

But, if you are an otherwise alright guy and she isn’t putting out, she simply isn’t feeling enough attraction.

Even when it is her, it's still you.

Even when it is her, it’s still about you.

“But, but, women can still have sex even if they aren’t in the mood can’t they? She owes me that much.” (says my imaginary reader who doesn’t want to admit that his wife isn’t in to him)

You realize that every time you utter those words your dick shrinks, right?

A quick tutorial on some basic types of married sex.

1. Placating sex. She puts out just often enough to keep you quiet. Your dick shrinks.
2. Ovulation sex. She seems like another woman, but only a couple times a month. Makes you feel like a Big Dick, but leaves you wondering what the hell happened when you get shot down a couple days later.
3. Comfort sex. Sometimes it just feels nice. It’s a bonding thing. No real change in your dick size.
4. Let’s save it for a minute.

Which of these three make you feel like a man? If you have testicles, none of them.

The first one makes you feel like a needy, whiny bitch. If you’ve ever had to say the word “please” to have sex with your wife, it falls in category one and that’s a hell of a place to be.

The second has nothing to do with you. It’s part of your wife’s natural cycle and she’d hump you in your sleep if she had to. Your level of attraction has very little to do with it.

The third is fine for building that secure relationship, but it is still focused on her need for comfort rather than her attraction to you.

So, what is number four? Four is the cock worshipping, pull my hair and call me Sally, mind blowing orgasm sex that all men crave.

And you don’t get that from doing dishes. You get cock worshipping sex when she has a reason to worship your cock. You get mind blowing orgasms when she knows she’s in the hands of a master lover who can overcome her inhibitions and drag them out of her kicking and screaming.

A quick word on what makes a good lover. As a recovering Nice Guy, I thought my job was to be the most attentive, technically proficient lover my wife could ask for. My focus was fully on trying to make sure she reached orgasm every time. It blew my mind when I found out I was doing it wrong.

Do you remember Revenge of the Nerds, where Lewis sneaks in and has sex with the cheerleader while she thinks it’s her boyfriend? She has a mind blowing orgasm and discovers that nerds make better lovers because “all we think about is sex”.

Bullshit, that scene actually ends up looking like Jonah Hill in the opening scene of The Sitter. He gives her a mind blowing orgasm and she laughs off the suggestion that she would return the favor.

Are you kidding me? This mouth is only for my asshole boyfriend.

“Are you kidding me? This mouth is only for my asshole boyfriend.”

Here’s the deal. No matter how much technical proficiency you have, your wife simply is not going to hand her body over to you to be used as your personal cum dumpster (admit it ladies, that really is the best sex), if she isn’t attracted to you.

Here is my proof. Think back to the early years of your relationship. The typical story is that you fucked like bunnies in the beginning. She would do anything, anytime, anywhere. Now, you’re a decade in and she hides behind granny panties and a bathrobe that covers her head to toe.

STOP!!! But what about the dishes?!!? (Says imaginary readers wife who doesn’t want to admit that she isn’t in to him)

I’ll say it again: Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.

Case in point: Brian is in a new relationship and they are still in the “anything, any time, any where” phase. But they aren’t a couple of 20 something college kids. They are in their 30’s, he has two kids and she has three. Do you think that a clean kitchen is a prerequisite for sex when they are together? Nope. They find a time and place for sex. It’s at the top of the “to do” list? Why, because they are attracted to each other.

Check out this post from the marriedmansexlife forum for some interesting examples of what women will do when they are feeling attracted to their man.

So, what changed? Barring medical issues, nothing but you. In the beginning, you gave her a reason to crave your cock, now you’re trying to buy your way in once a week.

Sorry guys, you changed, not her. She just followed your lead.

I realize I need to make an allowance for the bait and switch. If you’re married to a woman who still laughs when she hears “why are brides so happy on their wedding day? Because they know they just gave their last blowjob”, you’ve got a lot of work to do. That’s a post for another day.

So, what can be done about this? What can you do to rebuild the attraction she used to feel and restore her to her former “anything, any time, any place” ways?

1. Get in shape.
Take a look around you. Most of us are on the down hill run by our mid-30’s. The hair is leaving, or turning gray. You’ve gained weight. The six pack turned into a keg. I’ve been very fortunate that I actually look better now at 36 than I did at 19. It took me forever to fill out. I was too thin to be attractive, but I’m working on it now.

Go exercise. Now! You’re running out of time. The longer you wait, the slower your body is to respond. If you want your wife to eyeball you like the hunk of man meat that you are, get in shape.

2. Dress like you got a pair.
We just talked about this one a few days ago. This was a tough hurdle for me. I wanted there to be a way that I could be attractive without having to…you know…look attractive. It doesn’t work, gents. She might love you for who you are in the inside, but she isn’t going to love you unless you present her with something worth seeing. Asking her to love you in spite of your appearance is basically just lazy narcissism.

3. When you do get in the game, you gotta drive it like you stole it.

Sorry about mixing the metaphors, I’ve just been dying to say that.

No more of this Nice Guy bullshit. Your wife isn’t looking for someone to foot massage her to an orgasm. As long as she is healthy and emotionally functional, she wants you to lust after her.

Even when a woman wants a man to “worship” her, she doesn’t want him spending every moment in the bedroom saying, “Is this okay honey? Should I be a little more to the left? Should I try a different position?” She just wants to know that she affects you so strongly that you lose control and ravage her in response to her sexual prowess.

”But not my wife. She never wants sex”

Yeah, but that’s because you suck at it.

How do I know? Because most guys do. Study after study says that average sex lasts 5-7 minutes. The doctor quoted in this article says “Very few people have intercourse that goes longer than 12 minutes.”

Welcome to Big Dick living my friends.

Mi amigos, if you want your wife to worship your dick you better be serving up the goods. How worked up do you expect her to get in anticipation of 5-7 minutes? If you want an extraordinary response from your wife, you better be offering up some extraordinary sex.

Okay, so what if you’ve tried all of this and still no response? You need to head on over to marriedmansexlife forum. I’m not here to play therapist for lost causes. This advice is for the guys who should be getting it right, and can’t quite figure out why they aren’t.

If your wife isn’t attracted to you, the problem is you, not her. Figure out what you need to change to get her attention and then do it. Just ask yourself, what would you do if you were in charge of this situation? For starters, you would look and act like you were in charge.

And once again, that is the whole goal of Big Dick living.

15 thoughts on “Married Men, If You Aren’t Getting Laid, I’ve Got Some Bad News For You…..

    • I think I’m realizing why I have so many more women readers than men. Most guys hate hearing this kind of truth. Just think how much more successful I could be if this was just another women-hater blog!

      • I’m trying to figure out a nice way to send your post to my husband. Giving him the MMSL book a while back didn’t do the trick.
        Not that I don’t have a long way to go to increase my own level of hotness to keep him reeled in, let’s be real.

      • I’m sorry to hear that, Anisa. This really is a hard concept to absorb. You also face the risk, that if you (as the woman) are putting out all the effort to keep things going, he has no incentive to improve. I hope you have success with him.

      • Accountability! I love it!! The new erotica!

        Okay, but you can read my post anyway. I feel like it’s the opposite side of your coin.
        Diggin’ your blog!

      • I read it. I agree that it is overall helpful to keep your eye on the ball and your mouth on the….gherken, but the divide between placating sex and “oh my god, I need your dick in my mouth!” is huge.

        At the end of the day, which would you prefer?

      • I don’t really do placating sex. I guess it can be a little less intense once in a while, but I don’t accommodate.

        I’m more of the “I have to suck your cock or I’ll die” kinda gal.
        And then fall asleep with it in my mouth like a pacifier.

        But I was very attracted to my husband. Sex was not our issue. I’ve been reading your blog, and I agree with what you have to say.

        Both partners need to take responsibility. It can, even after a long marriage, be very hot. You just have to work at it. Both of you.

    • Your statement does help make the point; attracted women don’t do placating sex. Men need to hear that. We allow ourselves to believe that you owe us hot monkey sex because we’re good to you. It just doesn’t work that way.

      My wife was reading your blog just the other day. Small world.

  1. This is funny – and lots of good points! I like that there’s a strong, ‘men – take the responsibility’ theme throughout. I am a card-carrying feminist (ok, they dont give us cards yet), and it is disheartening to see that so many of ‘man’s men’s blogs have more or less 4 talking points:
    1-(to men) sex is owed to you (by your wife)
    2-good sex is the wife’s responsibility so she needs to keep herself pretty and available (that’s the placating sex that yo talk about; which, btw, I dont have a problem with in either direction – women often need that too, cause we love sex; wait, if I give my guy the placating sex, does my vagina shrink? or that just makes it better for…. food for though)
    3-if a man cheats, it’s bc the wife wasnt a slut at home enough
    4-if a man rapes, the woman was a slut.
    Yours is a man’s man blog that seems the opposite of that (I have perused a fair bit). I might not agree with all of your views, but I am SUPER impressed by the general tone, civility, and how proactive, responsible and thought-out it is.

    So. With this post.
    I’d say one of the keys of getting a woman to want it bad is seduction. Not some cheesy moves and aggressive foreplay (including the ‘going thru the motions’ oral) 5 minutes before you’re ready to get it on. It’s the little things for hours, throughout the day – flirting, compliments, little touching, kisses, almost in a way that says ‘no, I am totally not even thinking about the sex, I am thinking about YOU and how sexy you are.’ That makes a woman feel sexy, attractive and relaxed, but also there’s that element of withholding, which makes me all OMG HAVE TO HAVE IT AND WILL WORK FOR IT! Also, doing it for several hours before the big show means that by the time that the big show rolls around (lets say, arbitrarily, 10 pm), I have been thinking about sex for hours, instead of, of being tired and wanting to sleep and possibly having to shut down my partner (btw – never feels good for us ladies to do that!). If you truly desire me – and not just to get your rocks off – it will show, and I will crave you right back.

  2. Husbands want laid? Help around the house. Look into the rattle in her car without her having to ask ten times. Love each other’s children’ if you’re step parents. Pick up your shit off the floor. Last longer than 5 minutes and for God’s sake, it’s a rule….. you are not son having sex if she has not had an orgasm!! I’m with Anisa, my husband needs to see this.

  3. Pingback: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Blowjobs | The Big Dick Chronicles

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