All I Want For The New Year… Is A Stalker

My wife asked me if I had any goals for the new year. Yeah. I want a stalker.

It’s a bit of an odd resolution, I’ll admit, but this wasn’t some off the cuff remark. I promise you, I have spent several minutes thinking this through. I’m quite certain that I’ve considered every angle and I want to go through with this.

If I were a woman, I wouldn’t even consider it. But I think it is different for men. Guy stalkers are creepy. Always. Without exception.

Women stalkers at least have the potential to be sexy. I’m old enough and mature enough now that I think I could handle having some unknown woman idolize me from afar.

Yes, I know. I've been warned.

Yes, I know. I’ve been warned.

I’ve told you before that I didn’t exactly have women beating down my door when I was younger. I’ve never had to deal with telling a chick to get lost, I’m just not that into you, or “it’s not you it’s me”.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be fun to deal with every day, but just once I would like the chance to shake my head and say, “that bitch just won’t leave me alone.”

Obviously, I would never want to deal with this in real life. I’d have some explaining to do with my wife and I don’t particularly want some crazy chick knowing where I live.

She can save that for the next guy.

She can save that for the next guy.

Which makes the internet a wonderful place to pursue this odd goal. No one here actually knows me. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make me the object of your obsessive affection, right?

Since I don’t want to wake up one morning with my bunny rabbit boiling on the stove, I think I need to take a few precautions. I need to make sure that I can attract a stalker on my terms. There will be rules, ladies, and if you want to participate you need to abide by them.

So here’s what I’m thinking.

1. No actual crazy chicks please.
Like I said, I’m new at this. I’m not experienced enough to accommodate an actual stalker. I would probably be overwhelmed and simply ignore you. That kind of defeats the purpose.

I’m looking for someone with just a hint of crazy; enough to be willing to break common internet etiquette, but not enough to make me want to call the police. Also, crazy chicks generally lack the sense of humor needed to make this play out.

2. No tit pics.
My wife is pretty protective of my chest. Please don’t ask me for them. Or at least, don’t get pissy if I tell you no.

3. My wife must approve.
I know, that sounds a bit strange doesn’t it? But remember, she reads my blog. Actually she proof reads my blog. She’ll tolerate a certain level of intrusion, but she’s got a pretty keen sense of women’s intuition. If she thinks you might be certified crazy stalker, I’ll have to give you the “it’s not me, it’s you” speech.

4. Understand that this will eventually end.
Remember, you’ll be stalking me under my terms. Of course, the whole point of stalking is that you don’t go away when I tell you to. Just don’t take it personally when I finally do tell you to go away.

Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored!

Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored!

Maybe I should rethink this. Nah, let’s keep going.

5. This is about me, not you.
I know, I’m being a bit selfish here. But the point of stalking is to profess your undying love for me. I’m not really interested in hearing about your life. A small amount of personal story is fine as long as it builds towards explaining why you think I’m so wonderful.

Okay ladies, let the auditions begin. I’m not entirely sure how I go about choosing a specific stalker. If I ignore your comments, I don’t know if that is supposed to mean I’ve rejected you, or is it just a test to see how serious you are? This may be a work in progress.

And as much as I hate to admit it, I might not be very good at being stalked. I’m not good at being flirtatious, so all the good stalkers will probably decide I’m way too boring to stalk and I’ll be left with the bat shit crazies.

I suspect that the highlight of this endeavor will be watching my wife laugh at me. But I’m cool with that. This is the reaction I typically get from her for most of my great ideas.

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20 thoughts on “All I Want For The New Year… Is A Stalker

  1. you say you might not be very good at being stalked but actually indifference, shyness (or inability to flirt) and a wife are a stalker magnet.
    even I am tempted….

    • Hi tracya!
      Thanks for helping me get the ball rolling.

      I will assume that seeing me chatting with you will invoke a rabid jealous response from the rest of my lovely and loyal women readers.

      But I’ll keep you in mind..

  2. Pingback: All I Want For The New Year… Is A Stalke...

  3. My husband and I are laughing hysterically at this…we have decided though that we feel we must tell you that sure, male stalkers are creepy, but female stalkers are CRAZY, always, without exception:) We hope you can find one that isn’t crazy to play act some stalking for you. My husband quoted Happy Feet (yes, you can tell we have young kids)..”.man, you have a stalker” in his best south of the border accent. Good luck:)

    • Thank you for laughing along surrenderednewbea. And thanks for reading the blog. Always glad to see husbands and wives reading together.

      My wife has given me the, “yeah, good luck with that” speech, but I feel like this has real potential.

  4. This was too funny! You have to have goals, right? I would love to help you, but I’m already stalking like 10 men and 4 women, I have my hands full. I added you to a waiting list though, and if I find an opening…..you’ll know….trust me…you’ll know. 😉

  5. I am the woman that found my at the time soon to be boyfriends youtube channel and pictures of him online. He showed me them later, which led to me telling him I already found them…since I am a bit of a stalker.

    I’m not afraid to admit I have stalked a few people from a far, but never to a super creepy level. Just the sexy stalker girl level if that even exists.

    Don’t worry I won’t ask for tit pics, I prefer a mans ass. haha your post was hysterical.

    • First, glad you liked the post. I strive for humor and someone telling me that I’ve made them laugh is a great compliment.

      Second, I’m a bit intrigued as you are the first self admitted stalker to show yourself. Hmm.

      Unfortunately, I don’t have any pics of my ass, but I assure you it is fabulous.

      • haha I am sure you have a nice ass. Yeah well I like intriguing people.

        As a stalker do I ask you questions or figure them out myself? I am sure I could do both.

      • This is all new territory for me, so feel free to do as you please!

        But I would suggest going back and reading every single one of my posts and then sharing them them all of your friends so they will understand what an awesome guy you are stalking.

        I also don’t mind if you want to make up your own facts about me, as long as they are mostly flattering. I’m pretty easy going.

  6. This is, by far, the funniest concept post I’ve read, bar none! While I don’t condone stalking/violence/creepyness, my mentality is all about living passionately and helping others live their dreams. So….even though I am a streight man, I am willing to throw my hat in the ring as a possible stalking candadate. Pretending to be a female, quoting lines from Fatal Attraction, pretending I didn’t just get out of the insane asylum; that’s how dedicated I am to the happiness of others:) Godbless.

    • That’s a heck of an sacrifice; willing to take one for the team like that. I’m flattered.

      But paragraph three explicitly states, “Guy stalkers are creepy. Always. Without exception”.

      Unfortunately, that includes guys pretending to be girls, even if it is for the greater good.

      So, with a heavy heart, I must decline your offer.

      Thanks for reading, man. Have a great day.

      • As I said, my mentality is all about living life to the fullest and helping others do the same. I am so committed to that philosophy I am willing to get a sex change for you. Do you like big boobs or small? Blond or Brunette? 2’6” or 6’2”? I’m even willing to get my adams apple chopped off….unless you like that type of thing 😉

      • Now, see. I can tell you haven’t been paying attention. If you re-read my boobs post, I’ve illustrated my preference for boob size quite clearly.

        You are free to join me and Jack Chaser in the “guys who want to be stalked” club. We are currently in the open enrollment phase with free trial memberships. No obligation to buy.

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