My wife asked me if I had any goals for the new year. Yeah. I want a stalker.
It’s a bit of an odd resolution, I’ll admit, but this wasn’t some off the cuff remark. I promise you, I have spent several minutes thinking this through. I’m quite certain that I’ve considered every angle and I want to go through with this.
If I were a woman, I wouldn’t even consider it. But I think it is different for men. Guy stalkers are creepy. Always. Without exception.
Women stalkers at least have the potential to be sexy. I’m old enough and mature enough now that I think I could handle having some unknown woman idolize me from afar.
I’ve told you before that I didn’t exactly have women beating down my door when I was younger. I’ve never had to deal with telling a chick to get lost, I’m just not that into you, or “it’s not you it’s me”.
I’m sure it wouldn’t be fun to deal with every day, but just once I would like the chance to shake my head and say, “that bitch just won’t leave me alone.”
Obviously, I would never want to deal with this in real life. I’d have some explaining to do with my wife and I don’t particularly want some crazy chick knowing where I live.
Which makes the internet a wonderful place to pursue this odd goal. No one here actually knows me. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make me the object of your obsessive affection, right?
Since I don’t want to wake up one morning with my bunny rabbit boiling on the stove, I think I need to take a few precautions. I need to make sure that I can attract a stalker on my terms. There will be rules, ladies, and if you want to participate you need to abide by them.
So here’s what I’m thinking.
1. No actual crazy chicks please.
Like I said, I’m new at this. I’m not experienced enough to accommodate an actual stalker. I would probably be overwhelmed and simply ignore you. That kind of defeats the purpose.
I’m looking for someone with just a hint of crazy; enough to be willing to break common internet etiquette, but not enough to make me want to call the police. Also, crazy chicks generally lack the sense of humor needed to make this play out.
2. No tit pics.
My wife is pretty protective of my chest. Please don’t ask me for them. Or at least, don’t get pissy if I tell you no.
3. My wife must approve.
I know, that sounds a bit strange doesn’t it? But remember, she reads my blog. Actually she proof reads my blog. She’ll tolerate a certain level of intrusion, but she’s got a pretty keen sense of women’s intuition. If she thinks you might be certified crazy stalker, I’ll have to give you the “it’s not me, it’s you” speech.
4. Understand that this will eventually end.
Remember, you’ll be stalking me under my terms. Of course, the whole point of stalking is that you don’t go away when I tell you to. Just don’t take it personally when I finally do tell you to go away.
Maybe I should rethink this. Nah, let’s keep going.
5. This is about me, not you.
I know, I’m being a bit selfish here. But the point of stalking is to profess your undying love for me. I’m not really interested in hearing about your life. A small amount of personal story is fine as long as it builds towards explaining why you think I’m so wonderful.
Okay ladies, let the auditions begin. I’m not entirely sure how I go about choosing a specific stalker. If I ignore your comments, I don’t know if that is supposed to mean I’ve rejected you, or is it just a test to see how serious you are? This may be a work in progress.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I might not be very good at being stalked. I’m not good at being flirtatious, so all the good stalkers will probably decide I’m way too boring to stalk and I’ll be left with the bat shit crazies.
I suspect that the highlight of this endeavor will be watching my wife laugh at me. But I’m cool with that. This is the reaction I typically get from her for most of my great ideas.