Ah, February 14, the day when you get the opportunity to go buy flowers and candy for your wife and pair them with a card someone else wrote that expresses your undying devotion and love.
None of these things actually include the word “sex”, but it’s all done with one very understood, if not spoken, intention; you wanna get laid. So how did that work out for ya?
A joint survey by Men’s Health and Women’s Health found that 50% of men expected to have sex tonight. By contrast, only 43% of women expected to have sex because it’s Valentine’s Day. As my wife pointed out, it doesn’t really specify if they meant 43% were looking forward to it, or that 43% felt pressured to have sex.
Our Valentine’s Day plans consist of catching up on 13 episodes of NCIS. No chance for a babysitter left us with very little motivation to make this anything more than a typical Friday night. We agreed ahead of time to no gifts. So, I now have plenty of time to put together my “best of” post for Valentine’s Day Horror Stories.
Seriously, this is what we all want to read about, right? We’re all veteran’s at the marriage game. We roll our eyes at the exuberance of young love, telling their tales of over the top romantic gestures. We want the carnage!
So let the games begin. Here are a few of the choice morsels of Valentine woe that I uncovered today.
Via http://www.dailydot.com/lol/reddit-valentines-day-horror-stories/ we have this gem;
“So here I am, a 20 year old socially awkward swede with barely any experience with girls. However, for some strange reason yesterday (13th) I grew the balls to ask a girl out for valentines. Not only did she say yes, she ended up going home with me and spent the night. This is where the story begins. … See, some of you redditors believe you are socially awkward, allow me to laugh. The first time I share my bed with a girl, I end up dreaming about going to the bathroom to pee. “Whats this warm sensation?” I ask myself. “My waist is so warm!” Suddenly wake up from girl shouting and yelling.
…Oh god, I had PEED MY FUCKING BED. IM TWENTY YEARS OLD AND I JUST WET MY BED. Please allow me to die.
There were several great entries at worstvalentinesdaycontest.tumblr.com like this one;
“Last year for valentines day I had planned on proposing to my girlfriend at the time. She was a cheerleader at Kennesaw State. I had planned to propose to her at one of her cheerleading events in front of her friends & a stadium full of people. I had arranged to wear the mascot uniform & propose to her. Well I of course had to let 2 of the other cheerleaders know & the coach so to make sure it was ok & so they could help me set it up well one of the cheerleaders thought it would be ok to tell somebody else then they went & told another person & she overheard them talking about it. Therefore she knew & on February the 13th she broke up with me & I spent valentines day by myself.”
And this guy:
“Last year ws the worst valentines day ever. i go to school in iowa, and my ex girlfriend went to school in illinois. we were only a 4 hour bus ride apart. i told her i wouldnt be ale to come home for a date on valentines day bc i had a test that day. she ment absolutly everything to me, so i decided to skip my test and go home to surprise her with a nice date. i got in contact with her roomate when i got to her school and called her roomate. her roomate was headed home that night, so she gave me her keys so i could go into their room and surprise my ex. that night i opened to door to what i though would be my ex girlfriend watching tv and doing homework, what i actualy saw was horrible. she was naked in bed with some guy who was not me! a nice glass vase with 2 dozen roses shattered on her floor while she tried to tell me she was sorry, and she didnt want me to find out about this.
i hate the valentines day and everything it stands for. it breaks my heart just thinking about how i had my heart broken and looked like the biggest idiot in the world just trying to be a good boyfriend.”
This one is a bit long, but worth the read;
” My buddy and his girlfriend decided to invite me to take her roommate out on a blind date for Valentine’s Day a few years ago. I jumped at the opportunity, as all my college buddies were going out and I didn’t want to be by myself. It was about an hour drive from where I lived, so I packed a bag just in case. I showed up to pick her up for dinner, she looked great, and I was excited for the date. We went to Flattop Grill for some stir fry dinner, which was decorated for the occasion and a nice place to enjoy good conversation and a hearty meal. Things were going great, and towards the end of the meal she invited me back to her place for a few drinks.
We got in the car on the way home and the conversation continued to go well for a few minutes and then got silent. She got a strange look on her face and began to fidget in her seat as the ride continued. About 10 minutes from her apartment things took a turn for the worse. A horrible smell filled my car, and I thought I may have hit a skunk or another animal that had been dead for weeks. The smell continued to get worse, to the point where I thought I was going to gag and I looked over at my date to see if she was showing signs of smelling the same thing. I asked her if she smelled that and she quickly said no as if she did really smell it but was afraid to say so. I told her I was going to pull over to see if I had hit something and she quickly told me not to because I could check at her apartment. We got to her place and she quickly ran inside before I could say anything. I checked under the car for any signs of rotting flesh, and as I was about to write the incident off to bad luck and move until I looked at the passenger seat. There in the middle of the seat was a large brown stain, and reality began to set it. My blind date had taken a full on dump in my car and not said anything to me. The car stunk for weeks and I had to have the seats cleaned 3 times before the smell finally faded. I still have the smell in my nose to this day.
Oh and I forgot to mention that the car stunk so bad I didn’t want to drive home, so I crashed on the couch at her apartment. It would have been fine but for the fact that my buddy and her roommate came home and I got to listen to them having sex all night. Combine nasty dirty sex sounds, with the sound of a snowplow going by every hour or so, and the stench of rotting butthole in your nose, and you officially have the worst Valentine’s Day ever.
I never talked to her again.”
This one is a bit painful, but we don’t shy away from the hard topics;
” You wanted to hear the worst Valetine storys ever I have one for you! 6 years ago I got up early really early about 5 am went to the wally world and purchased a nice vase and a dozen roses, some candy, valetine cookies and a really nice card for my wife. I got home wrote her a wonderfull love you note in the card and placed it all on the kitchen table which was by the exit door to our house so she wouldnt miss it. I then rejoined her in bed. She got up for work looked at the stuff and left leaving me in bed without even coming back to say thank you, I love you or anything. I called her at work a couple time that day expecting her to say something but she never did. That day I prepared a wonderfull dinner and got some wine for us to have over candle light. When she got home we began to eat dinner and she had still said nothing. Halway through dinner she let me know she didnt love me anymore and didnt know if she was going to stay or not. We had been married 5 years! Well needless to say things were wierd for a couple of weeks I could sense she was leaving. I asked her to do me one and only one favor which was to let me know b/c I didnt want to come home from work one night and all of the stuff just be gone. She promised she would never do that to me. on feb 28th I came home from work at midnight and half my stuff was gone I had a note on the table. I woke up the next morning my cell phone stopped working, the house phone stopped working about 15 min later, and the cable went out within the next hour. The only thing in my name was the electric she couldnt shut that off. She had pre planned everything. we were divorced within 2 months and within 30 days of the divorce she was remarried. All true! It about killed me for close to 2 years. Now I am happily remarried to a different woman of course and never have I been happier! It all worked out in the end but it did almost kill me. Hows that for a valantine story?”
Most of these are men’s stories, because this is a site for men. But here is one from a women’s perspective just to demonstrate how completely unattractive a wimpy beta guy can be;
” Yeah, so… I was dating this guy some years back. We met on Thanksgiving, so by February had been dating a few months. He was cool to hang out with and I had a good time with him, but I was at the point of wondering if I wanted to even continue. Valentine’s Day rolls around, and he came to stay with me for the weekend. When I opened the door upon his arrival, he was damn near giddy. He told me to go into my bedroom, close the door and stay there until he said I could come out. I sat behind closed door listening to crinkling paper and things rustling around, the front door opening and closing couple of times, and then finally he came to get me.
When I walked out to the living room, it looked like a bottle giant bottle of Pepto exploded in my living room. There was pink and red stuff EVERYWHERE. Did I mention yet that I loathe the color pink? Anyway, candy, bears, hearts, flowers, trinkets, all of it… scattered across the front room of my place. He proceeds to go to mushy on me, telling me how I rescued him from the pit of his depression and brought him alive again, blah blah blah. After a sufficient amount of fussing over me, I said sheepishly… “I have something for you, too.” He lit up in a big grin, and I knew I was in trouble as a retrieved the paperback book titled “How to Be Southern” that I’d gotten for him. I handed it to him unwrapped and (I think) managed to say something graceful like, “Well if I’d known you were going to do all this…”
The Valentine’s Day ordeal was enough to guilt me into staying with him another couple of months, and in the end he broke up with me. I should’ve known better than to date a Yankee.
Disclaimer: No Yankees were harmed in the telling of this story.”
So, besides a few laughs, what is the point of this?
The motto of our marriage is this; “The secret to a great marriage is low expectations.”
It sounds a bit jaded, but this is serious. All disappointment is the result of unrealistic expectations. Let me state that another way; when your expectations are not in line with reality, you will be disappointed.
Keep in mind, it doesn’t matter if your expectations should have been considered realistic. For instance, if you expected the Broncos to win the Super Bowl, it would have been a perfectly reasonable expectation. But you would have been wrong and you would have been disappointed.
By contrast, a Seahawks fan had no reasonable expectation that they would win. So, had Denver won, a Seahhawks fan may not have been happy, but they would not be disappointed; they weren’t expecting to win.
Managing expectations is at the heart of maintaining healthy relationships. One of the pitfalls of Nice Guys is that they are filled with unspoken expectations. Not wanting to appear selfish, they stay silent; secretly hoping the other person will understand them enough to be able to meet their needs without having to voice them.
The secret to a successful Valentines Day is properly managed, low expectations. Be reasonable in what you are expecting out of your spouse. State your expectations up front and don’t be offended if your expectations don’t match up with reality. In a healthy relationship, this is just another day.