“Just F@#$ Me Already!” What Nice Guys Don’t Understand About Sex

Sometimes, I feel like that masked magician who went on tv to give away all the secrets of magic.

My new avatar?

My new avatar?

Here at the Big Dick Chronicles I offer free of charge, and open to the world, insights into the often dysfunctional inner workings of how men think. I do this for good, you understand. This isn’t ammunition; it’s designed to help improve marriages.

If you are married to, or in a relationship with, a Nice Guy, congratulations. You are probably involved with a very skilled lover. Technically speaking.

We Nice Guys pride ourselves on being competent, and sex is no exception. We strive to make sure that we’re capable of satisfying a woman as thoroughly as possible. If our bedroom were a restaurant, our motto would be, “Nobody Leaves Here Hungry.”

Which is an apt metaphor for how we view sex.

Being with a Nice Guy is like having your own personal chef, on call 24 hours a day to provide you with a seven course meal of orgasmic delight. All you have to do is give us a nod and we’re pulling out the dough hooks for some made from scratch pastries.

In fact, we live to cater to your desires with a menu that would impress Chef Mario Batali.

He's impressed.

He’s impressed.

It is all yours! And all you have to do is let us cook for you! And why the hell are you pulling out a loaf of bread and a pack of baloney!
Oops, sorry. Nice Guys don’t get angry or frustrated. I’ll cut that last paragraph during editing.

This is how we think. We have the ability to bring you the utmost in sensual pleasure. We’re willing to perform these duties any time and anywhere. We’ll fire up the grill, we’ll do all the work, hell we’ve even do the dishes and put the kids to bed.

We are offering you gourmet seven course sex here. So why is that when we turn on the oven, you give us this pained expression and say, “I’m really not that hungry tonight, dear”?

Ladies, are you tired yet? I bet you are. Knowing what I know now, I’m tired for you. That is utterly exhausting.

Gentleman, listen up! Your sexual abilities do not dictate her hunger for sex!

I’ll give you a moment. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Better now? Okay, let’s continue.

Nice Guys are notoriously caught up on making sure we aren’t jerks when it comes to sex. If you aren’t satisfied, we feel like failures. Worse yet, we feel selfish. These are two of the most difficult emotions for any Nice Guy to endure. It’s even worse when we experience them together.

So sex becomes an event for us. We’re gonna make sure you get your money’s worth baby!

Every Nice Guy reading this is asking, “So what’s the problem?”

It isn’t what she wants.

What do you mean?! Who doesn’t want a gourmet meal?

Sorry guys, it isn’t for you to decide.

If you are one of those guys who says, “I’m going to blow your mind for three straight hours” every damn time you have sex, you are going to be disappointed. Whether you like it or not, this isn’t what women want.

So what goes wrong?

1. Too much pressure.
Guys, you have no idea the pressure you put on a woman when you make it clear that your intention is long, drawn out, multiple orgasm sex. Men don’t get it because we have no concept of failing to orgasm. We’re more concerned with trying not to orgasm.

If your wife is faced with the choice of trying to meet your expectations of responding with multiple orgasms (unlikely on most days) or simply avoiding the encounter…well, you know what happens. You get sex when she’s in the mood for marathon sex.

2. It becomes clear that you aren’t listening.
If your wife says, “Okay, but make it quick.” What do you hear? Your initial assumption is that she’s offering placating sex; the worst sex imaginable for a Nice Guy.

"I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It."

“I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It.”

But perhaps, just maybe, she just wants it quick.

This was one of the hardest truths I ever had to accept. The day my wife said, “Sometimes I just want you to throw me down, fuck me hard and walk away,” was difficult for me. I knew she was telling me the truth, but it contradicted everything I thought I understood about women and sex. She was asking me to…to…oh my God, she was asking me to act like a jerk.

(and all the women cheered)

3. You are completely dismissing and bypassing a women’s desire to be used.
This one was so hard for me.
Women can get off on the sensations of being used.
Women can have mind blowing orgasms from being taken.
And most importantly, women often prefer being used over being catered to.

How the hell is that possible?

Quite simple really; servants aren’t sexy.

Chris Hemsworth is sexy.

You're welcome ladies. You know who you are.

You’re welcome ladies. You know who you are.

And I guaran-damn-tee you he never once got laid by promising to service his wife. That’s a guy that throws you down, rips your favorite panties off (and you don’t mind, do you ladies?) and just pounds away until he’s satisfied.

Can you pull that off? I bet you could. If you tried.

4. Her orgasm is her responsibility.
I’m borrowing this concept from Athol Kay  at marriedmansexlife.com.

Make sure you understand the intent of this statement. I’m not telling you to be an asshole. Just be mindful of the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable to most women for you to orgasm even if she doesn’t. If she wants it, she can let you know and then do your best to accommodate.

Trying to force it upon her is ultimately selfish when you stop to think about it. It’s saying that you understand what’s best for her more than she does. It says that your desire to prove your ability is more important that her ability to enjoy sex the way she wants. It says you aren’t willing to consider that you might be wrong about this.

Have a conversation with your woman. I dare you. Asking if she feels pressured when you have sex. Ask her if she actually wants it quick sometimes. Ask her if it’s okay for you to be a jerk once in awhile.

And then, for God’s sake, listen to her when she answers you.


18 thoughts on ““Just F@#$ Me Already!” What Nice Guys Don’t Understand About Sex

  1. Speaking just for myself, I am on board with 1, 2 and 4 (ESPECIALLY 4. OMG, nothing kills my ability to climax faster than the expectant face. SO MUCH EFFING PRESSURE! That’s basically when the sex is no longer about me but about him getting the Check Plus). I haven’t made up my mind on 3. I’d say… maybe sometimes. I have never been the “throw me down” type of girl – I like more of a slow seduction song and dance. Or just fast and cute 🙂 BUT. BUT BUT BUT. My BFF is totally into this, and she has a new beau and apparently he is “the best throwdown of her life.” So… good for her 😀 I am guessing she’s enthusiastically nod to #3.

    • Oh, Anna. We both know your objection to #3 is just your raging feminism trying to deny your natural biological urges.

      That is so cute! 😀

      I do appreciate your confirmation on the others. You’re exactly right. There comes a point where it’s all about us trying to prove how good we are, under the guise of selfless giving of course. A very passive aggressive selfishness.

      • Ah, what the hell do I know? Everything I know about feminism came from the 1994 movie PCU. (A bit obscure, you may have to look it up)

        A sample of the dialogue
        (College guy 1 speaking to two raging feminists) “Hey, you wanna brew dog?”
        (Feminist 1) “We’re not interested in your penis!”
        (Feminist 2) “I think he’s offering us a beer. Yes we would like a beer.”
        (Feminist 1) “So if you’re like nice to them, they give you stuff?”
        (Feminist 2) “Exactly”

        It’s possible that my perspective is a bit skewed.

      • HAHAHA.
        I love this. That’s basically how I get ahead in life.
        Btw, I had never before heard about PCU nor “brew dog.” Is it a brand of beer? A slang? Go ahead, blow my mind!

      • I have decided, no more feminism cracks. It’s unproductive and I really don’t have much standing on that debate.

        But if the feminism/anti-feminism ladies want to fight it out, I’ll grab some popcorn and watch!

        Different topic; I’m going to email you that q&a tonight. I will hope to have it ready to post by next weekend. Thanks for your help.

  2. “And then for God’s sake listen to her when she answers you.”

    Amen…this right here. Please for the love of all that is holy…open the ears.

    • We are notoriously stubborn and convinced of our “rightness”. This last instruction may be the hardest for most men to hear.

      Consider also that we often feel like we have “suffered” for staying true to our nice guy mindset. We could have been out banging chicks like the jerk guys (we tell ourselves) but we didn’t. Now you tell us when
      STILL got it wrong??

      If I may quote the disciples, “This is a hard truth. Who can hear it?” And many turned away.

  3. Good stuff as usual, it’s hard for Nice Guys to stop being so damn nice and add a little edge. Like Liar’s Poker, acting like a Big Swinging Dick (alpha swagger) once in awhile. Also, PCU is one of my favorites – John Favreau, Jeremy Piven, David Spade. George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. It was ahead of its time.

    • “You passed out cigarettes for a smokeathon on earth day, you installed speed bumps on the wheelchair ramps, and most recently you dumped 100 lbs of raw meat on a peaceful vegan protest.”
      “Oh come on, that was way more than 100 lbs.”

      You are a man of exquisite tastes. David Spade plays the best smarmy weasel ever.

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