A reader, who shall remain anonymous because it will piss her off :), offered the following critique of my previous post;
Omg there are so many words where is the fun stuff???
Sigh. You ladies are some hard taskmasters.
So, we’re coming out of the gate strong on this one.
Take a look at this video.
You just observed ten pairs of total strangers meet for the first time, undress one another, then climb into bed.
Would you do this? I bet most of you would not.
But you sure as hell fantasize the shit out of it.
Sex with a stranger tops the list of most common female fantasies time and time again. In one study by The Journal of Sex Research, 80% of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other that their husband while having sex. They also reported that 30% of all their fantasies involved sex with someone other than their partner.
And we’re going to try to figure out why.
To keep some consistency to this project, we’re going to break each topic down into three parts; 1. Defining the fantasy. 2. What drives the fantasy? 3. Can it improve your relationship?
1. Defining the fantasy
What constitutes a stranger?
Technically speaking, Sex with a Stranger includes anyone who is not your current partner, taking place in any setting. Now you can see why this tops the list so often. The variations on this fantasy are endless. Sex with a Stranger can range from totally anonymous………,
to people who are an important part of your daily life….
And that’s where the difficulty comes in.
Could you admit to your partner that you fantasize about your favorite actor with no negative consequence? Probably.
Could you admit to him that you fantasize about his brother? Less likely.
This brings us back to the guilt factor and lack of communication. Fantasizing about strangers is almost as universal as masturbating, but we still feel the need to lie about it. Even though 90% of us think about it, half of us say it’s wrong.
So how do you open about a topic that nearly all of us participate in, but nobody wants to talk about? You try to understand its origins.
2. What drives this fantasy?
I love doing research. Sometimes it confirms what you already thought was true. Sometimes it catches you by surprise.
Why do women fantasize about strangers?
They do it for the rush.
Do you remember those early days of your relationship when it felt like you were “crazy in love”? Well, you were. Your brain was so jacked up on hormones and chemicals that you couldn’t think straight if your life depended on it.
The introduction of a new relationship (or even the thought of it) gets the testosterone, adrenaline, and dopamine coursing through your system. These chemicals want to turn your body into a lust fueled sex machine.
When you casually flirt with the single dad at your kids soccer game, his response sends a surge of chemicals through your body that you cannot control. When you’re lying in bed at night, your body wants more. So you re-live the experience. You achieve orgasm, which is the equivalent of shooting up with dopamine, and it continues to strengthen the mental connection between you and your stranger.
Here is another video for you-
The physical response is immediate. The arousal began as soon as they touched. Adrenaline and testosterone begin coursing through their bodies and they were immediately willing to explore each other. The touch, or even the thought, of a stranger can induce some extremely intoxicating fantasies.
It’s a chance to explore new or unrealistic scenarios.
My Scottish accent sucks. My wife has been quite clear that a good Scottish accent is an instant panty dropper. But even with this promise of bountiful sex, I just don’t have it. So if she’s in the mood for a thick Scottish brogue, she’s just going to have to make it up.
Sex with a stranger is a natural outlet for all those ideas that will never work in real life. You want a rendezvous with a medieval knight? Close your eyes and let the film roll. Sex with a vampire? Why not. If you can think it, you can fantasize about it. So have at it.
But there is a utilitarian component to this as well. Let’s say you are considering a dominance fantasy. Assuming your partner doesn’t know the first thing about what you want or need, your fantasy is going to involve someone with expert skills. It allows you the chance to explore the scenario in controlled setting before you make the risky move of bringing it up in real life.
It’s a chance to let loose.
This is the most common reason women fantasize about strangers. It isn’t so much about wanting another person, it’s about the possibility of doing the unthinkable. It’s about indulging the deepest of your depraved desires with someone you’ll never see again.
All those desires you think will scare your partner? They don’t scare the stranger. And even if they do, so what? You’ll never see them again. The stranger fantasy is about no strings attached fucking. For most women, the person doesn’t matter. The stranger is irrelevant. It’s the scenario that matters. It’s about indulging your desires without judgment.
Consider this quote, ““At restaurants, I always fantasize about having a quickie in the bathroom with the best-looking waiter,” says Sasha, 29. “I love the notion of spontaneity combined with the idea that it’s someone I’ll never see again. It seems like the freedom to be as dirty as you want.”
Which brings up the obvious question, “why does it have to be a stranger?”
The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.
3. Can it improve your relationship?
You may not be in a position to tell your partner that you fantasize about other people, but perhaps you can talk with them about the why.
Most of the appeal of the stranger fantasy is the desire for something new.
That doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. It doesn’t even have to mean that you are dissatisfied. It simply means you are willing to extend your boundaries and explore more of what life has to offer you.
And with rare exceptions, your partner wants to explore with you. And guess what? He wants you dirty. That fantasy you have about giving a stranger a blowjob in the bathroom of a night club? Your partner would love to join you for that experience. Though, in reality, you may have to settle for the back seat of your car, parked securely in the garage. Reality tends to get in the way of the perfect moment.
Let’s take a quick look at our three “why” categories again.
It doesn’t take a stranger to evoke the rush. Time has a way of diluting the dopamine reaction to your partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Dopamine equals lust and lust equals physical attraction.
If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, it is time to speak up. We men aren’t very good at taking hints, but we are pretty easily persuaded. We can be persuaded to dress better. We can be persuaded to get in shape. We can be persuaded to improve. And I know you ladies can be very persuasive.
I left out one key piece of information regarding the top fantasies. While nearly everyone thinks of strangers on occasion, the single most common thing women fantasize about is sex with their current partner.
It turns out that one you want is the one you’ve got. If it’s the rush you’re after, spend time talking with your partner. Figure out what you need to do to bring the attraction back into your relationship.
Exploring new scenarios
We men really are not as boring as we seem. We are sometimes ruled by inertia, though. You know, an object at rest and all that. But our inertia is sometimes nothing more than a lack of communication. We’re certainly not bringing up the bondage scenario, but we would do back flips if you even hinted at the idea.
It may not be fair, but the truth is, women are usually the moderating force when it comes to sex. What I mean is, anything you can fantasize about, we’ve been there and done that to the power of ten. All we’re waiting for is your approval. If we ever find out that you are on board with our fantasies, we’ll be off the couch in a heartbeat.
But we naturally assume that you aren’t because we can come up with some messed up shit (wife/her sister nude cupcake baking, mmm). Yeah, I’m probably not getting that one. But that’s my point. My wife is the moderating force. Well, and her sister. I guess we should probably give her some say in the matter.
Unless you’ve actually approached the topic of exploring your fantasies and been shot down, I’m going to ask you to be open minded and consider reaching out to your partner.
This almost sounds redundant to the previous post, but not exactly. The stranger fantasy is often about indulging in yourself, even more than exploring role playing.
Here is a quote from a clinical sexologist, Hernando Chaves, “Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control,” Chaves said. “People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it’s OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment.”
I’m going to keep stressing, we’re more depraved than you are.
And if not, refer back to my comment from the Introduction post. Bring up your fantasies during a blow job. Men are much more open to objectionable ideas when we’re heavily aroused. Science backs me up on this point.
The stranger fantasy does not have to mean discontent in your relationship. Ideally, it’s the starting point for opening the doors to communicating.
Unless you really are just interested in your brother in law. Probably best keep that one to yourself.