Top 5 Female Fantasies #2. Female domination/Female worship

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of G.I. Joe. I watched the cartoon daily and had several toys that I played with all the time.

Like most young males growing up in the 80’s, I was acutely aware of this leather clad super villainess known as The Baroness. Even though I looked forward to her appearances on the tv show, I never bought a Baroness action figure. I guess even then I realized that there was a thin line between…

Kids toy

Kids toy

and

Sex toy

Sex toy

The dominatrix look is synonymous with sexy, and men are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. In fact, anything involving heels and full body leather gets our heart racing.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

As effective as 30 minutes of vigorous exercise.

Oh, my apologies. I’m supposed to be talking about women’s fantasies, not mine.

Wait, I am talking about your fantasies.

We aren’t the only ones who get off on the idea of a strong, sexy, seductive woman. It is a role that women often desire to play.

1. Defining the fantasy

Number two on our list of top 5 female fantasies is “female worship/female dominance”. While these sound like opposite ends of the spectrum, they do exist on the same spectrum, which is based on feminine power. Whether that means being such an overwhelming sex goddess that men throw themselves at your feet, or wielding your power (literally) like a whip, the basis for dominance fantasies is a sense of control.

On one end you have the Cleopatra style “sex goddess” lounging on the bed while a room full of men built like Chris Hemsworth fan you with palm leaves and feed you grapes.

I'll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

I’ll even dress in costume if it pleases you.

While the fantasy may not actually involve ancient Egyptian themes, the concept stays the same. They cater to your every desire with slavish devotion. On this end of the spectrum, the men willingly subjugate themselves with only one desire; your complete fulfillment and pleasure.

But sometimes we’re bad boys who need to be taught a lesson.

Sometimes we rowdy men need to be brought under control. And that takes a stern task mistress. The dominatrix fantasy focuses on the explicit, overt use of power and control. It’s bending men to your will through restraint, punishment, and even humiliation.

Oh, and knowing they are rock hard; dying to screw you the entire time.

2. What drives the fantasy?

Ladies, you know men want to have sex with you, right? As I noted in the introduction post, our fantasies are quite simple; sex with anything that doesn’t have a penis. (Que up the what about “people of Wal-Mart” rebuttal. Yes, but that exception only proves the rule.)

I realize there are logistical reasons why you might choose not to indulge us, but it is intrinsic to our nature, and yours, that we want to have sex with you. But that pesky thing called life gets in the way and you make decisions about settling down and devoting yourself to a partner and so on.

So life happens and maybe you aren’t feeling quite like the seductive sex goddess you used to be. This is your opportunity to be that amazing succubus you’ve been dying to prove still exists.

Female Worship
One of the best quotes I found on this topic came from an anonymous poster in an article- “I want my husband to romanticize me.”
Or, if you prefer a quote from someone famous; author Madame de Stael said it this way, “The desire of the man is for the woman. The desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

That sums it up well doesn’t it? Women want to know that that they still have the power to sway the men in their lives. You want to know that you are worth the effort for your partner to go to extraordinary lengths to satisfy you.

According to sex researchers Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, that is the appeal of romance novels.
“If the male is so enamored of a woman that he’ll do anything to make her his own, if he’s “enslaved” by his boundless passion, then who, after all, is in charge of the relationship?”

The damsel in distress story line ultimately becomes about a man so in love with the damsel that he risks life and limb for her salvation.

Let’s talk about a current medium where you might not expect female worship to pop up.

If you listen to country music (and you probably don’t) you may have noticed a trend in a lot of the top songs lately. My wife thought I was crazy when I brought it up. “Oh, look. Another country song about how awesome it is to be out drinking beer in the country on Friday night with a beautiful woman.”

I didn’t think much of it until a new song came out called “A girl in a country song” which makes fun of the idealized women portrayed in this new genre of country music. It seems they even have a name for this cookie cutter music style; Bro Country.

Apparently a lot of the country music commentators were upset at the generally misogynistic lyrics that show up in Bro Country. They do boast some thought provoking, heart felt lyrics like, “Slide your pretty self over here, and hand me another beer.”  Deep stuff.

But the critics missed a crucial point. The female fans eat this shit up!

These songs are basically female worship. Let’s look at a few more lyrics;

“Yeah, when I first saw that bikini top on her
She was poppin’ right out of the South Georgia water
Thought, “Oh, good lord, she had them long tanned legs!”
Couldn’t help myself so I walked up and said
Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise”

Now, if you aren’t familiar with the song (and you probably aren’t), that is the opening line to, Cruise, the song that spent 24 weeks at the top of the country charts, the longest run in Billboard Charts 50+ year history.

And women love the band, Florida Georgia Line. Take a look at the photos on their Facebook page. What do you see? A lot of very normal women who love to hear these men sing about being hopelessly in love.

But they are not alone. How about this offering from Chase Rice’s “Ready Set Lets Roll”
Damn pretty girl you went done it again
You’ve gone and turned your sexy all the way up to 10
I’ve never seen a side ride seat looking so hot
Baby, you rock, hit the spot like a fireball shot
You’ve got me all high, head spinning around and around
I’m down if you’re down to burn down this town”

Or how about this one from Tyler Farr’s “Whiskey in My Water “(because I like to belabor the point)
Cause when the sun goes down it’ll get a little hotter
Make an old boy’s heart beat a little harder
I know I can’t lose cause it’s going down smooth tonight, baby
One ain’t enough man may I have another Sitting ’round the fire gettin’ drunk on each other
Every day I pray I thank God I got her She’s the moon in my shine, the whiskey in my water”

Did I mention that women eat this shit up? Because I wasn’t kidding.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

Notice the nearly complete lack of testosterone in the crowd.

The idea of these hunky, tattooed country bad boys being enamored with a sexy seductive woman is a sure fire fantasy starter for a lot of ladies.

The Dominatrix
I’m not going to spend much time on this one. I don’t have any problem with it, but I’m not convinced that my readers are that interested.

The dominatrix fantasy is about the overt use of power to control a man. In contrast to the female worship fantasy where the man chooses to devote himself through his actions, the dominatrix fantasy focuses on the man submitting himself to the will of the woman.

The appeal is in the power derived from having a man completely at your disposal. No matter what punishment you hand out to him, he’s going to take it, such is his devotion to you.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
Gentleman, I’m going to start by telling you a secret.

Women who feel sexy…want to have more sex.

That is all. Thank you, and good night.

If you didn’t already know this…I suggest you go back and start at the beginning of the blog.

Okay, seriously though. Your partner needs to feel sexy. She needs to know that she can bring you to your knees with her sex appeal. I don’t care how alpha you think you are, she wants to know that she is capable of making you lose control.

You may not be completely comfortable with this idea.  My wife and I have an agreement; I can’t deny a request for something I’ve asked her to indulge in. But some things…I just hope she never asks.

If she ever came to me and said she wanted to tie me up, I’m going to say yes in a heart beat. She submits herself to me when we’re in the mood and I’m man enough to do the same. This isn’t something she has ever expressed interest in, and I’m relieved at that because it would scare me to see where she might take it.

But I very much enjoy giving her the “hungry wolf” eyes; that look that says I can’t wait to devour her. And she loves it. Since the core of the female dominance fantasy is the expression of female seduction, let your wife know that you are able to be overpowered by her presence. Don’t forget to offer up an appreciative comment or look. Let her know that you are willing to go to great lengths to satisfy her.

Ladies. Don’t be afraid to turn on the charm. I realize that takes a certain level of trust, and your greatest fear is looking like Cathy Bates

Seduction fail.

Seduction fail.

but just keep reminding yourselves, we want to have sex with you. You can talk us into quite a lot, especially if you are naked.

But beware, it isn’t without its pitfalls. One of the problems with the female dominance fantasy is that does dampen the naturally aggressive nature of the men. While it might be fun to fantasize about men fawning all over you, in reality, women want to have sex with men who are worth having sex with. Turning your man into a crawling, sniveling toy who will lick your shoes on command might sound intriguing, but you might find it difficult to be attracted to him afterwards if it goes too far.

The female dominance fantasy is a great outlet for expressing your desire to be desired. It’s the starting point for exploring new ways to seduce your man. Make him drool over you and if you’re feeling randy, smack him on the ass.

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Top Five Female Fantasies: 1. Sex with a Stranger

A reader, who shall remain anonymous because it will piss her off :), offered the following critique of my previous post;

“Words
Words
Words
Words
Words
Words
Omg there are so many words where is the fun stuff???
Words
Sigh
More words
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

YES “

Sigh. You ladies are some hard taskmasters.

So, we’re coming out of the gate strong on this one.
Take a look at this video.

You just observed ten pairs of total strangers meet for the first time, undress one another, then climb into bed.

Would you do this? I bet most of you would not.

But you sure as hell fantasize the shit out of it.
Sex with a stranger tops the list of most common female fantasies time and time again. In one study by The Journal of Sex Research, 80% of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other that their husband while having sex. They also reported that 30% of all their fantasies involved sex with someone other than their partner.

And we’re going to try to figure out why.

To keep some consistency to this project, we’re going to break each topic down into three parts; 1. Defining the fantasy. 2. What drives the fantasy? 3. Can it improve your relationship?

1. Defining the fantasy
What constitutes a stranger?

Technically speaking, Sex with a Stranger includes anyone who is not your current partner, taking place in any setting. Now you can see why this tops the list so often. The variations on this fantasy are endless. Sex with a Stranger can range from totally anonymous………,

one night stand

to people who are an important part of your daily life….

Ewww.

Ewww.

And that’s where the difficulty comes in.

Could you admit to your partner that you fantasize about your favorite actor with no negative consequence? Probably.
Could you admit to him that you fantasize about his brother? Less likely.

This brings us back to the guilt factor and lack of communication. Fantasizing about strangers is almost as universal as masturbating, but we still feel the need to lie about it. Even though 90% of us think about it, half of us say it’s wrong.

So how do you open about a topic that nearly all of us participate in, but nobody wants to talk about? You try to understand its origins.

2. What drives this fantasy?
I love doing research. Sometimes it confirms what you already thought was true. Sometimes it catches you by surprise.

Why do women fantasize about strangers?

They do it for the rush.
Do you remember those early days of your relationship when it felt like you were “crazy in love”? Well, you were. Your brain was so jacked up on hormones and chemicals that you couldn’t think straight if your life depended on it.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

The introduction of a new relationship (or even the thought of it) gets the testosterone, adrenaline, and dopamine coursing through your system. These chemicals want to turn your body into a lust fueled sex machine.

When you casually flirt with the single dad at your kids soccer game, his response sends a surge of chemicals through your body that you cannot control. When you’re lying in bed at night, your body wants more. So you re-live the experience. You achieve orgasm, which is the equivalent of shooting up with dopamine, and it continues to strengthen the mental connection between you and your stranger.

Here is another video for you-

The physical response is immediate. The arousal began as soon as they touched. Adrenaline and testosterone begin coursing through their bodies and they were immediately willing to explore each other. The touch, or even the thought, of a stranger can induce some extremely intoxicating fantasies.

It’s a chance to explore new or unrealistic scenarios.
My Scottish accent sucks. My wife has been quite clear that a good Scottish accent is an instant panty dropper. But even with this promise of bountiful sex, I just don’t have it. So if she’s in the mood for a thick Scottish brogue, she’s just going to have to make it up.

"All you have to do is close your eyes...."

“All you have to do is close your eyes….”

Sex with a stranger is a natural outlet for all those ideas that will never work in real life. You want a rendezvous with a medieval knight? Close your eyes and let the film roll. Sex with a vampire? Why not. If you can think it, you can fantasize about it. So have at it.

But there is a utilitarian component to this as well. Let’s say you are considering a dominance fantasy. Assuming your partner doesn’t know the first thing about what you want or need, your fantasy is going to involve someone with expert skills. It allows you the chance to explore the scenario in controlled setting before you make the risky move of bringing it up in real life.

It’s a chance to let loose.
This is the most common reason women fantasize about strangers. It isn’t so much about wanting another person, it’s about the possibility of doing the unthinkable. It’s about indulging the deepest of your depraved desires with someone you’ll never see again.

All those desires you think will scare your partner? They don’t scare the stranger. And even if they do, so what? You’ll never see them again. The stranger fantasy is about no strings attached fucking. For most women, the person doesn’t matter. The stranger is irrelevant. It’s the scenario that matters. It’s about indulging your desires without judgment.

Consider this quote, ““At restaurants, I always fantasize about having a quickie in the bathroom with the best-looking waiter,” says Sasha, 29. “I love the notion of spontaneity combined with the idea that it’s someone I’ll never see again. It seems like the freedom to be as dirty as you want.” 

Which brings up the obvious question, “why does it have to be a stranger?”

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
You may not be in a position to tell your partner that you fantasize about other people, but perhaps you can talk with them about the why.
Most of the appeal of the stranger fantasy is the desire for something new.
That doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. It doesn’t even have to mean that you are dissatisfied. It simply means you are willing to extend your boundaries and explore more of what life has to offer you.

Seriously, get to reading.

Seriously, get to reading.

And with rare exceptions, your partner wants to explore with you. And guess what? He wants you dirty. That fantasy you have about giving a stranger a blowjob in the bathroom of a night club? Your partner would love to join you for that experience. Though, in reality, you may have to settle for the back seat of your car, parked securely in the garage. Reality tends to get in the way of the perfect moment.

Let’s take a quick look at our three “why” categories again.

The rush.
It doesn’t take a stranger to evoke the rush. Time has a way of diluting the dopamine reaction to your partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Dopamine equals lust and lust equals physical attraction.

If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, it is time to speak up. We men aren’t very good at taking hints, but we are pretty easily persuaded. We can be persuaded to dress better. We can be persuaded to get in shape. We can be persuaded to improve. And I know you ladies can be very persuasive.

I left out one key piece of information regarding the top fantasies. While nearly everyone thinks of strangers on occasion, the single most common thing women fantasize about is sex with their current partner.

It turns out that one you want is the one you’ve got. If it’s the rush you’re after, spend time talking with your partner. Figure out what you need to do to bring the attraction back into your relationship.

Exploring new scenarios
We men really are not as boring as we seem. We are sometimes ruled by inertia, though. You know, an object at rest and all that. But our inertia is sometimes nothing more than a lack of communication. We’re certainly not bringing up the bondage scenario, but we would do back flips if you even hinted at the idea.

It may not be fair, but the truth is, women are usually the moderating force when it comes to sex. What I mean is, anything you can fantasize about, we’ve been there and done that to the power of ten. All we’re waiting for is your approval. If we ever find out that you are on board with our fantasies, we’ll be off the couch in a heartbeat.

But we naturally assume that you aren’t because we can come up with some messed up shit (wife/her sister nude cupcake baking, mmm). Yeah, I’m probably not getting that one. But that’s my point. My wife is the moderating force. Well, and her sister. I guess we should probably give her some say in the matter.

Unless you’ve actually approached the topic of exploring your fantasies and been shot down, I’m going to ask you to be open minded and consider reaching out to your partner.

Letting loose.
This almost sounds redundant to the previous post, but not exactly. The stranger fantasy is often about indulging in yourself, even more than exploring role playing.

Here is a quote from a clinical sexologist, Hernando Chaves, “Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control,” Chaves said. “People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it’s OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment.”

I’m going to keep stressing, we’re more depraved than you are.
And if not, refer back to my comment from the Introduction post. Bring up your fantasies during a blow job. Men are much more open to objectionable ideas when we’re heavily aroused. Science backs me up on this point.

I admit to none of these.

I admit to none of these.

The stranger fantasy does not have to mean discontent in your relationship. Ideally, it’s the starting point for opening the doors to communicating.

Unless you really are just interested in your brother in law. Probably best keep that one to yourself.

The Top Five Female Sexual Fantasies- Introduction

Guys, I’m going to ask you to skip down a few paragraphs. I need to talk to the ladies in private for a moment.

Oh, you wonderful, sexy ladies. You’ve been naughty.
“Who me?” you ask in exaggerated indignation while you try to hide a smile, “Why I never!”

Oh yes you have. And I can prove it.
First, you’re reading a post about female sexual fantasies on a blog named The Big Dick Chronicles. For shame.

And second, you’re human.

That’s right. You are not alone in your delicious deviancy, and more importantly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re going to spend some time exploring just how “normal” some of your deepest desires are.

This is a touchy subject, and while I want to maintain a lighthearted atmosphere (my new motto for the blog is “self improvement..with dick jokes”), I don’t want to be crass or insensitive to reality. A lot of people, especially women, feel some level of guilt about their sexual fantasies. The list of reasons is endless; prior bad experiences, upbringing, skewed moral values, etc.

The question is, should you feel guilty? I’m going to make the argument that there is indeed a healthy range of fantasizing and I’m also going to encourage you to explore it.

But back to guilt for a moment, so we can get it out of the way. There is a segment of the population who report to having a shitload of fantasies and don’t feel bad about it.

But it isn’t who you think.

People who are most satisfied with their sex lives reported more active sexual fantasies.

Imagine that. Couples who are highly satisfied with their sex lives are more open to exploring, and acknowledging, the topics and ideas that turn them on.

The guilt aspect often comes when people are already unhappy and feel their fantasies are a by-product of their sub-par sex life. “I wouldn’t be thinking about these things if we were happy.” Obviously, this could be true of some women, but most often it’s a correlation not causation issue. You are naturally going to fantasize, but your circumstances dictate how you respond to, and feel about, the presence of those fantasies.

We also have to consider how your partner feels about your fantasies. Sometimes, the guilt comes from the idea that you are disappointing or betraying your partner. There is a lot of debate, and disagreement, about how much you should share with your partner, but I want you to consider this thought;

The ability to share your fantasies with your partner is a barometer of the sexual health of your relationship. Therefore, we strongly encourage you to do so!

You see, we men desperately want to know what the hell is going on inside your heads.
Sometimes, we just want confirmation that something is going on inside your head. We want you to fantasize because we want you thinking about sex. The simple, self serving truth is that, when you spend more time thinking about sex, we’re going to be spending more time having sex.

Now, let’s use some common sense here. Don’t try to go from “zero disclosure” to “here’s everything I’ve ever thought about” in a single weekend. Take it slow and keep in mind that every time you hit a wall, it just means you have some other work to do.

Why would any man balk at hearing about your fantasies?

1. He may be intimidated by them.
We hate feeling insecure and if your fantasy leaves us feeling inferior, it’s going to be hard to discuss. For instance, it may take several conversations to explain to your guy that your ultimate fantasy is another three inches in length. You aren’t wrong for wanting that, you just have to be careful in your approach.

2. He may be afraid to acknowledge similar feelings.
You may have a guy with his own guilt issues and if your fantasies touch on his hidden fears, he’s going to balk. For example; you really want a threesome, but he has an almost violent aversion to being anywhere near another dude because this one time, at band camp…..

3. He may fear having to expose his own fantasies.
As much as you women might fantasize, we’ve got ya beat; both in volume and degree. You might admit to us that you spent five minutes thinking about the UPS man. Quid pro quo dictates we tell you that we’ve thought about every one of your sisters and cousins.

As much as I appreciate that my wife is extremely open with me, I have no intention of ever telling her that I like to fill my cowboy boots with Vaseline and walk around naked.

You've never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

You’ve never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

4. He may have an actual moral objection.
Oh, who are we kidding. Just suck his dick and bring it up again just before he explodes. Problem solved.

But we’re not here to talk about the guys. We’re here to talk about the ladies.

Oh, gentleman. I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may join us now.

I’ve made the executive decision that this series of posts will focus on the top five sexual fantasies of women only. Because, really, who cares what men are thinking? But just in case you actually want to know; here is an exhaustive overview of men’s fantasies.

1. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis.
2. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis, preferably all at the same time.
3. Sex. Anytime, anywhere.
4. Sex. Maybe with some whips and handcuffs.
5. Sex. Post penis reduction surgery so our backs don’t hurt so bad.

Do you feel better now?

Then let’s begin.
What constitutes a fantasy?
You think this would be easy wouldn’t you? But are we talking about a passing thought that strikes you while walking down the street? Is it limited to what runs through your head during “alone time”? Do those thoughts fall into the same category as the things you think about when it comes to sex?

Brett Kahr, the author of “Who’s Been Sleeping In Your Head?” defines a fantasy as “a conscious thought…depicting a sexual act..sexual imagery and often sexual language which in many instances will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical stimulation of the genitalia.”

So, basically, a nerdy scientific way of saying “thoughts that get you off or make you feel sexy.”

In the interest of due diligence, let’s acknowledge that the possibilities for what constitutes a fantasy are endless. And whatever yours may be, I applaud you. We’re going to focus on the most common sexual fantasies as documented by multiple studies and surveys. If you’re personal preference isn’t on the list, don’t feel slighted. We could spend months trying to be exhaustive.

So without further ado; the five most common female sexual fantasies.

1. Sex with a stranger
2. Being worshiped in bed/Female dominance
3. Being dominated
4. Exhibitionism/being observed
5. Threesomes/group sex

Those are some broad categories and it’s going to take some time to go through this. And research. Lots and lots of research. But I do it so you don’t have to.

"Sigh." The things I endure for my readers.

“Sigh.” The things I endure for my readers.

You don’t have to thank me. It’s no trouble.

Over the next five posts, we’re going to explore these most common areas of sexual fantasy. I have to warn you though, it’s going to be more scientific than salacious. What drives our fantasies? Why do these things appeal to us? When are we okay to act on them?

And most importantly, can they add value to your relationships?

I can’t ask you to consider being more open in your relationship without giving you some insight on what we’ve experienced in our own.

It took us four years to figure out how to talk about sex. For four years, we were your typical awkward, uncomfortably silent couple. Our breakthrough came when I went on the road for several months. Somehow, the safety of talking over the phone allowed us to open up about how we were handling the time apart.

When we finally got back together, we were able to continue those conversations and realized that we actually wanted to talk about sex. We wanted to explore. We wanted to make it more fun. And most importantly, we could. We could make it more enjoyable. We could learn about each other, about what we actually wanted (or didn’t want) without upsetting one another.

Fast forward ten years. By now, she knows all about my fantasies of baking cupcakes nude with her and her sister. I’m pretty sure that she knows about everything but the cowboy boots.

It's squishy!

It’s squishy!

I’m not authorized to tell you about my wife’s fantasies. I’ll just tell you I’m a very luck guy.

Up next, the number one female sexual fantasy; Sex with a stranger.

chris-hemsworth-workout

Usually this one.

Overcoming The “Poor But Arrogant” Mindset pt 2

I want to start by telling you every word of this is true. You may read some of this and think, “there’s no way” but in reality, the stories I’m going to share are quite common where I grew up.

I also want to be clear that while I’m not here to bash poor people, I am more than happy to talk shit about my own messed up family. That is one of the few benefits I gained from growing up with them. I’m allowed to laugh.

Where I’m from

My father and mother were born and raised in the countryside of southeast Missouri. My grandparents were factory workers and farmhands. Their education was limited and they would qualify as “dirt poor”.

My mother was one of five kids and my father is one of six. When my mother was 17, she became pregnant with my older brother. My father dropped out of high school his junior year and they were married. I was born when he was 19. By age 22, they were divorced and my father was raising two young boys on his own. My mother left to join the Air Force.

Here is one way to determine if you grew up poor. If you are 36 years old and most of the homes you lived in as a child have been torn down, you were probably poor.

This is where I lived during my senior year of high school.

Home sweet home.

Home sweet home.

The top half of that building has two apartments. My father, my brother and I shared one with my uncle. We moved there after my dad decided to blow up his second marriage by intentionally getting caught having an affair with a black woman.

Did I mention southeast Missouri is still a pretty racist place to live?

I would show you the trailer we moved into six months later, but I can’t because it’s been torn down. A funny story; one day the cops arrested my brother after finding a bunch of stolen items hidden underneath it. He didn’t do it though, my cousin did. In a strange bit of irony, he stole the tools from the father of the girl my brother knocked up about six months later.

I love small town life.

Okay, this post has been pretty depressing so far, but I promise I’m getting there.

You are responsible for your own life,” is one of the central themes of The Big Dick Chronicles. I want to give you a glimpse into what I grew up with specifically to point out that none of that shit matters.

With everything I experienced, had I chosen to adopt a “poor but arrogant” mindset, it still would be entirely my fault. I know this because I had choices to make at every step along the way. Nothing was predestined. But I did learn one crucial truth that I can only truly appreciate now.

When you are poor, you have no room for error.

My older brother dropped out of college because he didn’t keep coolant in his truck and blew up the motor. He was attempting to commute 60 miles to school and lost his transportation. Poor maintenance, lack of funds, goodbye higher education.
No margin for error.

Okay, let’s move on to the heart warming part of the story. This is mostly a tribute to my father (he’s still alive and doing fine by the way), who had the foresight to teach me some surprisingly simple lessons. But be forewarned, simple doesn’t mean easy.

These are the lessons he has taught me.

1. You must value learning.
My 23 year old father taught me to tell time when I was four years old.

Every time he sat down to relax, he had a book in his hand. Every evening in our home found the three of us sitting around the living room, watching tv and reading books.

He was not a demanding man, but he made it clear that he expected our best in school. Once we proved we were capable of something, that became our new normal. Good grades were expected because he knew we could. My brother graduated 3rd in his class and I graduated 1st in mine.

If you come from an educated family, this may sound common place. But realize that my father was the only one on either side of my family that actively encouraged learning for his children. I have several cousins, and one sister, who didn’t finish high school. In our modern age, this is unconscionable to me, but it’s true.

2. Keep your nose clean
I come from a long line of criminals, going back generations on my father’s side.

We’ve had moonshiners, druggies, and thieves.  I still have 2nd cousins who run chop shops in St. Louis. My dad’s sister was the first person to offer me drugs. Most of my family has been arrested for something at some point in their life.

My father was arrested once; because they mistook him for his brother. I remember being 7-8 years old and hiding under the covers in my grandparents living room when the sheriff came looking for my uncle.  He was hiding in the bedroom. He had escaped from prison in Michigan where he was serving time for stealing cars.

When my grandfather died, the death bed discussion among my aunts and uncles was about how to break into my cousin’s house to steal grandpa’s pain pills.

Folks, I wish I was making this stuff up.

In a family that was always looking for the easy answer, my father refused to participate. He avoided the drugs that were rampant in our family, and stayed out of jail.

Again, most people would consider that last sentence a no-brainer, but it was the culture of our family. It was, and still is, expected that you’re going to end up in jail at some point.

You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult to stay out of jail, but you’d be surprised. I had a cop read me my rights when I was 16 because I had wrecked my truck and my uncle (the escapee) towed it away from the scene and hid it at my grandparent’s house. In case you didn’t know, that’s called fleeing the scene of an accident with property damage.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

I went to the station and squared it away. The fact that I came in on my own is the only reason I didn’t go to jail.

No margin for error.

3. Work your ass off
My father worked. It was never fancy, but he always found his way into a supervisor or management position everywhere he went. Most of his life was spent in factories, but wherever he went, he did his best.

He had no tolerance for the men who complained about actually being expected to perform at their job. “You want me to bust my ass for minimum wage? Hell no. I’m doing just enough to not get fired.” He expected them to bust their ass because it was right. Because it was what he did every day.

I graduated high school at the top of my class. I had a 4.0 gpa and was headed for college in the fall but I took an unconventional path for my summer job. I was a chicken catcher.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

This was one of those jobs you didn’t even apply for. If you were willing to work, you just showed up. If you stayed, you got paid. It was by far the nastiest, most grueling work I could imagine.

No one expected me to make it. “College boy, what are you doing out here? This ain’t for college boys. You won’t last a week.

But I did make it. And I was damn good at it, too.

I learned a lot from those guys. First, I learned that I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Second, they valued one thing; can you work?

I had never been admired for my work ethic before. They didn’t give a shit about my education or my ambitions. They wanted to know if I could keep up and come back tomorrow.

I took that job for one reason. I knew that when I went to college I would have to work every minute I wasn’t in class. If I could handle that job, anything I had to do during college would be a cakewalk. I was right. It’s still the worst thing I’ve ever done.

4. The right marriage choice is crucial
This time my father taught me what not to do. He is currently on his fourth wife. My father suffers from a severe fear of being alone. It has led him to make poor choices in choosing a wife and he found himself starting over numerous times.

Don’t get pregnant in high school.

If you do, the odds of ending up a single parent are astronomical. My dad did it. My older brother did it and he called me the other day to tell me his 18 year old daughter did it. Being a single parent is hard enough. Doing it while poor is damn near impossible.

Everybody in my family has been divorced except me and my grandparents. Seriously. For two generations, everyone in my family (older than me. I’m exempting the younger relatives that are just getting started) that has ever been married, is divorced. Divorce has heavily affected my family financially and emotionally, and it led to complete instability in the lives of the kids in my family. This is a topic that deserves its own post, so I’ll move on for now.

So I took my time. A long time. And I’ll be damned if my first attempt at a relationship didn’t almost ruined it all. Like I said, no margin.

My wonderful wife is only the second relationship I’ve ever had. After almost getting sucked in by a co-dependent young lady with a ton of issues, I realized I needed to get it right on the next try.

It wasn’t fun and loneliness hurts like a bitch. But it felt like my options were waiting for a legitimately good fit, or calling my dad to tell him there is another grand kid on the way and we’ll set a wedding date soon.

My wife was worth the wait.

5. No one is going to take care of you.
This is the lesson I am most thankful to my father for teaching me.

As a single parent, working for just above minimum wage, my father made the decision not to accept any public assistance. We survived on what he earned and it wasn’t pretty. We weren’t homeless, but we lived in low end rental houses and trailers. My father drove a mid-seventies Chevy Nova with a missing door handle. You opened the door with a screw driver.

What was his reasoning? “I made my mistakes. They are mine to take care of.”

When I turned 18, my father gave me one of the most important speeches of my life. “Son, I love you but you’re on your own.

See, my father had married for a third time and taken on three new step-children by this time. They needed the support more than I did.

So I took that to heart. I drove my ’64 Ford truck to college and scraped by. I ate peanut butter and jelly in my dorm room on weekends. Not sandwiches, just peanut butter and jelly. I didn’t have money for the bread. I cooked cheap frozen burritos on the hot plate of my coffee pot because I didn’t have the money to rent a microwave for my room. The coffee pot is also hot enough to cook Ramen Noodles if you let them soak long enough.

Even though I didn’t feel it at the time, I was a man. And he expected me to be capable of doing what men do; providing for themselves, finding their own way, building their own lives.

Why did this matter so much to me? My dad’s generation in my family is falling apart. They are in their late 40’s and 50’s and whatever health the drugs haven’t taken is being consumed by diabetes and heart disease. In large numbers, they barely work; their entire existence is reliant on government assistance. And most of my generation is following in their footsteps.

I don’t see my family much anymore. Distance helps; we’re about five hours away. But we made the decision that they were more a liability to our family than an asset. I don’t want, or need, my children being influenced by them. And sadly, they refuse to be influenced by me. I’m at peace with that.

When we go back home, we visit my father and my grandparents and that’s it. We’ve had to separate ourselves from the rest of the family and that’s okay. We’re just going different directions, I guess.

Am I unbelievably blessed? Absolutely. I don’t doubt that for a second and I thank God that he was watching over me as I went through that stage of my life. But the choices I had to make were not monumental. The difficulty was not getting distracted by all the dysfunction going on around me.

So there you have it. The origin story of the Big Dick Chronicles. It’s been an interesting ride.

“Just F@#$ Me Already!” What Nice Guys Don’t Understand About Sex

Sometimes, I feel like that masked magician who went on tv to give away all the secrets of magic.

My new avatar?

My new avatar?

Here at the Big Dick Chronicles I offer free of charge, and open to the world, insights into the often dysfunctional inner workings of how men think. I do this for good, you understand. This isn’t ammunition; it’s designed to help improve marriages.

If you are married to, or in a relationship with, a Nice Guy, congratulations. You are probably involved with a very skilled lover. Technically speaking.

We Nice Guys pride ourselves on being competent, and sex is no exception. We strive to make sure that we’re capable of satisfying a woman as thoroughly as possible. If our bedroom were a restaurant, our motto would be, “Nobody Leaves Here Hungry.”

Which is an apt metaphor for how we view sex.

Being with a Nice Guy is like having your own personal chef, on call 24 hours a day to provide you with a seven course meal of orgasmic delight. All you have to do is give us a nod and we’re pulling out the dough hooks for some made from scratch pastries.

In fact, we live to cater to your desires with a menu that would impress Chef Mario Batali.

He's impressed.

He’s impressed.

It is all yours! And all you have to do is let us cook for you! And why the hell are you pulling out a loaf of bread and a pack of baloney!
Oops, sorry. Nice Guys don’t get angry or frustrated. I’ll cut that last paragraph during editing.

This is how we think. We have the ability to bring you the utmost in sensual pleasure. We’re willing to perform these duties any time and anywhere. We’ll fire up the grill, we’ll do all the work, hell we’ve even do the dishes and put the kids to bed.

We are offering you gourmet seven course sex here. So why is that when we turn on the oven, you give us this pained expression and say, “I’m really not that hungry tonight, dear”?

Ladies, are you tired yet? I bet you are. Knowing what I know now, I’m tired for you. That is utterly exhausting.

Gentleman, listen up! Your sexual abilities do not dictate her hunger for sex!

I’ll give you a moment. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Better now? Okay, let’s continue.

Nice Guys are notoriously caught up on making sure we aren’t jerks when it comes to sex. If you aren’t satisfied, we feel like failures. Worse yet, we feel selfish. These are two of the most difficult emotions for any Nice Guy to endure. It’s even worse when we experience them together.

So sex becomes an event for us. We’re gonna make sure you get your money’s worth baby!

Every Nice Guy reading this is asking, “So what’s the problem?”

It isn’t what she wants.

What do you mean?! Who doesn’t want a gourmet meal?

Sorry guys, it isn’t for you to decide.

If you are one of those guys who says, “I’m going to blow your mind for three straight hours” every damn time you have sex, you are going to be disappointed. Whether you like it or not, this isn’t what women want.

So what goes wrong?

1. Too much pressure.
Guys, you have no idea the pressure you put on a woman when you make it clear that your intention is long, drawn out, multiple orgasm sex. Men don’t get it because we have no concept of failing to orgasm. We’re more concerned with trying not to orgasm.

If your wife is faced with the choice of trying to meet your expectations of responding with multiple orgasms (unlikely on most days) or simply avoiding the encounter…well, you know what happens. You get sex when she’s in the mood for marathon sex.

2. It becomes clear that you aren’t listening.
If your wife says, “Okay, but make it quick.” What do you hear? Your initial assumption is that she’s offering placating sex; the worst sex imaginable for a Nice Guy.

"I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It."

“I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It.”

But perhaps, just maybe, she just wants it quick.

This was one of the hardest truths I ever had to accept. The day my wife said, “Sometimes I just want you to throw me down, fuck me hard and walk away,” was difficult for me. I knew she was telling me the truth, but it contradicted everything I thought I understood about women and sex. She was asking me to…to…oh my God, she was asking me to act like a jerk.

(and all the women cheered)

3. You are completely dismissing and bypassing a women’s desire to be used.
This one was so hard for me.
Women can get off on the sensations of being used.
Women can have mind blowing orgasms from being taken.
And most importantly, women often prefer being used over being catered to.

How the hell is that possible?

Quite simple really; servants aren’t sexy.

Chris Hemsworth is sexy.

You're welcome ladies. You know who you are.

You’re welcome ladies. You know who you are.

And I guaran-damn-tee you he never once got laid by promising to service his wife. That’s a guy that throws you down, rips your favorite panties off (and you don’t mind, do you ladies?) and just pounds away until he’s satisfied.

Can you pull that off? I bet you could. If you tried.

4. Her orgasm is her responsibility.
I’m borrowing this concept from Athol Kay  at marriedmansexlife.com.

Make sure you understand the intent of this statement. I’m not telling you to be an asshole. Just be mindful of the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable to most women for you to orgasm even if she doesn’t. If she wants it, she can let you know and then do your best to accommodate.

Trying to force it upon her is ultimately selfish when you stop to think about it. It’s saying that you understand what’s best for her more than she does. It says that your desire to prove your ability is more important that her ability to enjoy sex the way she wants. It says you aren’t willing to consider that you might be wrong about this.

Have a conversation with your woman. I dare you. Asking if she feels pressured when you have sex. Ask her if she actually wants it quick sometimes. Ask her if it’s okay for you to be a jerk once in awhile.

And then, for God’s sake, listen to her when she answers you.

I Miss Your Touch

I bet you didn’t know I write poetry, did ya?
Hell yes. 2nd place in the regional poetry contest back in 6th grade. Some crap about a rainstorm. All I remember is that it didn’t rhyme and that somehow made it better than the ones that did.

On through college, I found it was much easier to be poetic when I was miserable and lonely. I haven’t had that in a long time, so my poetic skills are a bit dusty.

I’ve been in Iowa for a week now and I’m ready to get home. I missed my daughter’s 10th birthday yesterday and I will miss my youngest daughter’s Tae Kwon Do test tomorrow. There is a little bit that old melancholy setting in and it has stirred up the poet in me.

This is a tribute to my wonderful wife, whom I am missing very much right now.

Your eyes are shining and you smile.
“I want to touch.”

Fingertips drag across my chest, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
I want to grab you and throw you down, but no. You want to touch.
Your hands are cool, a refreshing contrast to my hot skin.
You scratch, you kiss. You nip.
“I want to touch,” you say when I yelp.

I surrender to you, I am yours.
Soft whispers of touch cover every inch of my body,
slowly exploring as if it were the first time.
I close my eyes, hypnotized as you trace a line up and down my arm.
I am lost in the tenderness of your touch.

I try not to kick you when you poke that spot in my side.
“Let me make it up to you,” you say.
And your touch isn’t cool anymore.
Hot, wet kisses make slow circles down my legs,
tempting me with promises of what your touch can do.

I am fully yours, but I will not beg.
It isn’t required; you want to touch.

Your soft touch turns hungry.
I am at your mercy and you tease me.
Drawing me close to the edge, pulling me back. Over and over again.
I will not beg. But it is not required.
You want to touch. And taste.

You nuzzle my neck and caress my face, curling your body against mine.
Tomorrow, I will throw you down and have my way with you.
Tonight, I am content to let you touch.

Friday Night With No Kids! Let’s Do Something Different!

Like go to bed early.

As I’m mentioned before, we live in a rural area. We’re about an hour from anywhere big enough to go out for a night on the town. So it is a constant struggle to decide if we want to be out of the house for several hours, or just stay home and enjoy the quiet while we run around in our underwear.

I put these on as soon as the kids walk out the door.

I put these on as soon as the kids walk out the door.

This weekend, the in-laws took the kids overnight and we opted for staying in. I picked up a couple of nice KC strip steaks to throw on the grill and we settled in with some cheesy b-rated vampire movies.

"You aren't immortal. It just feels like it because this movie goes on FOREVER."

“You aren’t immortal. It just feels like it because this movie goes on FOREVER.”

And booze. My friend the home brewer sent us home with a bottle of his moscato wine last week and my wife popped the cork on Friday. Apparently he makes it pretty stout because, after two glasses, she was out like a light by 10:30.

We call this foreshadowing

We call this “foreshadowing.”

(I’m going to throw out a “readers discretion advised” warning here. So ladies, if you are squeamish about non-consensual sex topics, you may want to skip the rest of this.)

We often joke about the idea of having sex while she is asleep. Her general attitude has always been, “If you can get it done without waking me, have at it.”

I have never taken her up on this challenge. As you know, I’m working to overcome a severe “Nice Guy” personality. My hesitation is not a moral objection; my fear was based on the idea of her waking up and rejecting me and then I would feel like a complete tool. She says I’m just a pussy.

So here we are. I help her to bed and she is laid out topless in her skimpy underwear and stockings. “If you can get it done without waking me, have at it,” is running through my head. I know she won’t care. As long as she doesn’t get sick, we’ll laugh about it in the morning.

So what the hell, I went for it. It was such an awkward experience that I had to make myself stay with it to completion. She never moved a muscle. I made myself walk away and leave her laying there.

Understand, there is not an ounce of disrespect involved here. My wife is the light of my life. This was just about pushing my comfort zone, knowing that I was well within her comfort zone.

So I turned off the light and went downstairs. An hour later, I came back. Except for pulling the sheet over her, she hadn’t moved. I messed around with her for a few minutes, no reaction. She was out.

What the hell, let’s go for it.

Again, I made myself continue to completion, the whole time waiting for any hint of protest or discomfort. But it never happened. I finished and walked away.

I came to bed at 12:30. I had to push her legs over to her side of the bed and roll her onto her side so I could curl up behind her and tuck her in under the covers. I laid there beside her for about ten minutes and then I got curious. She was still soaking wet. How does that happen? I don’t know, but you know, what the hell.

This time I didn’t finish, just enjoyed her for a while and then curled up and fell asleep.

We woke up on Saturday, and I prepared to tell her about how the rest of the evening went. She beat me to it.
“You had fun last night.”
“Oh really? What do you remember?”
“You fucked me three times.”
“You remember that? How? You were out cold.”
“Nope. I remember all of it.”
“But you just laid there. You never even twitched. How is that possible?”
Shrugs. “I don’t know. Just glad you enjoyed it. I was worried I ruined your evening going to bed so early.”

There is still so much I need to learn about how you crazy women think.