Taking My Son On His First Turkey Hunt

I keep this blog mostly anonymous so that I can share details of my life that I don’t necessarily want my friends and neighbors to know. For instance, until last month I have never owned a shot gun.

I know you’re thinking, “big deal,” right? But understand that in my rural, mid-western world admitting you don’t own a shotgun is like admitting you think Depeche Mode is a sweet band; it doesn’t necessarily mean that your gay..but c’mon.

I'm gonna go ahead and "Enjoy the Silence" at full volume!!

I’m gonna go ahead and “Enjoy the Silence” at full volume!!

In the last decade I have begun to experience the joys of hunting. But it is something I have had to learn on my own. I didn’t grow up hunting. In fact, I never held a hunting rifle until I was almost thirty. I have had moderate success in deer hunting on our property, but the turkey have always escaped me.

"Gobble Gob- Hey fuck you! I'm trying to get laid here!"

“Gobble Gob- Hey screw you! I’m trying to get laid here!”

It is a different style of hunting. In Missouri, we hunt deer with a rifle and turkey with a shot gun. You can also use a bow and arrow for both. On the few times I’ve attempted to turkey hunt, I’ve had to borrow a gun which is about the most unmanly thing you do.

But I am now the proud owner of a Maverick Model 88 twenty gauge shotgun. I chose this specific gun for one reason; even my 12 year old son can handle it.

"Colbalt blue steel, walnut stock, with a hair trigger, s-mart top of the line this baby retails for about $185, shop smart shop s-mart.... YOU GOT THAT!!"

“Colbalt blue steel, walnut stock, with a hair trigger, s-mart top of the line. This baby retails for about $185, shop smart shop s-mart…. YOU GOT THAT!!”

Which brings me to the point of this post. My son has started showing interest in joining me in hunting. Since I am not a die hard hunter, I didn’t have him out in the tree stand with me when he was five years old. Lots of guys do, but for most of them, hunting is a way of life. Which is great. Not so much for me though.

A good friend of mine moved back to town this year and he has a son the same age. He has already been introduced to hunting by his grandfather so we decided to get together and take advantage of youth turkey season. In Missouri, kids under 16 get to hunt one weekend, ten days prior to the start of the regular season.

This hunt was destined to fail from the beginning. My friend has never hunted in his life, which means he knows less about what is going on than I do. But we get decked out in our camo, the two boys grab their shotguns (which are nearly as big as they are) and we head out into the woods about 2:30 in the afternoon.

It went about as we expected. Two twelve year old boys make a lot of noise even when they are invisible. But I’m not sure we adults were much quieter. After about 15 minutes we all agreed that we were just there to hang out and hope we see something cool.

And we did. A small deer suddenly appeared in the field about 20 yards away and just looked at us as he meandered along. That would have been the highlight of the day except my neighbors herd of cattle showed up about 4:00 and hung out about 40 yards away for the next hour.

"We scared off all the turkey for you. No need to thank us."

“We scared off all the turkey for you. No need to thank us.”

The boys spent the whole time playing “what if” scenarios with the cows. “What if that brown one with the red tag just ran right at us?” “What if the whole herd suddenly turned to zombies.” There were no cow attacks though. They just sat out there chewing grass until the got bored and went home.

Then finally, we saw a lone turkey. 250 yards away. If you aren’t familiar with turkey hunting, your goal is to get them in to about 30 yards. The boys suddenly got very excited and very quiet. We tried calling it to us, but of course it paid us no attention at all.

So the hunt was a bust, but I learned a few things this weekend.

1. My son does not care that I know little about hunting.

At 12 years old, he was just excited to dress up, get to hold a real weapon, and see some wildlife. The fact that I suck at turkey hunting didn’t bother him in the least.

2. Kids love experiencing nature.

My son is not an outdoorsman. We have to kick him out of the house sometimes to get him away from the books, the legos, the television, etc. But he was blown away by the sight of a deer standing close enough to hit it with a rock.

3. An enjoyable experience is more important that results.

We didn’t expect to get anything. We went out to have fun and in that, we succeeded. It went well enough that I will have no trouble talking him into joining me again in a few weeks when the regular season begins.

As much as I’ve enjoyed learning these skills as an adult, I can’t help but wonder how much my life would be enriched if I were exposed to them as a child. When my son is grown, I hope he looks back fondly on these days. We’ll make fun of each other about how horrible we were and I’ll remind him that he almost peed his pants the first time he saw a deer.


On Being A Father To A Daughter

As a child, my musical world consisted almost entirely of 80’s country. Don’t be concerned, my therapist says I’m making great progress.

A song titled “That’s My Job” by Conway Twitty had a real, emotional impact on me back then. It was released in 1987 when I was ten years old. I won’t bore you with the entire lyrics, but it opens with a young boy having a bad dream that his father had died. He gets scared and wakes his dad and says,

“Daddy, I’m so afraid. How could I go on with you gone that way? Don’t want to cry anymore, so may I stay with you?’

And he said, ‘that’s my job. That’s what I do. Everything I do is because of you, to keep you safe with me. That’s my job you see.'”

I have always had a great relationship with my dad and this song always runs through my head when I think about the type of father he has been. The damn song still makes me cry.

A couple of days ago, my ten year old daughter woke up about half an hour early, walking into the living room with a troubled look on her face. After asking “What’s wrong, honey?” and no responses, I got up, put my arm around her and walked her over to the couch. We sat down and she curled herself into a ball in my lap.

I asked again, “Is everything okay?”
“I had a dream that something bad happened to you and they took me away from you.” She then proceeded to cry, curled up in my lap with my arms wrapped around her. A few minutes later, she was fine.

I, on the other hand, was not.

My life has come full circle. I’m now the father in that song and I’m not sure what to think about that. Even more frightening, I am raising two daughters; which, full disclosure here, I’ve never been a daughter. I’m not sure exactly how all that is supposed to go.

I realize nothing I can do will guarantee that my daughters grow up to have a good life, but I am slowly figuring out that these pre-teen years are pretty significant. I am the most important male in their life right now. Sometime in the next few years, some teenage boys are going to come along and try to take my place. Right now, they still think I walk on water and I better make the most of that.

The best I can figure, I need to give them the rated G version of how I treat their mother. They need to know that I think they are beautiful, that I love curling up with them to watch a movie. I laugh with them, tease them, encourage them. I can see the excitement on their faces when I drop in on them in their rooms, just to ask them what they are doing. And then listen to them.

Last night, my eight year old asked me to come to her room and watch a movie with her. We curled up on her tiny bed and watched “The Book of Life”. About halfway through, the other one came in and joined us. It was a tight fit, but we managed. The movie was nothing special, but it was absolutely the best use of 90 minutes on a Friday evening.

I feel like I have to careful not raise two spoiled princesses, so I don’t mind being the disciplinarian in our home. But sometimes it feels like I’m beating them with a stick when all I did was give them my “I’m disappointed” look.

What an amazingly fragile time in a young girl’s life. Scares the hell out of me, to be honest.

I want to enjoy these days. I still get to tuck my girls in every night. They are still young enough to want a kiss on the lips. If anyone remembers that cheesy song from the mid-90’s “Butterfly Kisses”, I know the day is coming when they are going to say, “You know how much I love you, Daddy, but if you don’t mind I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”

God, they are growing up fast.

Speaking of growing up, I pulled off some ninja level “Daddy’s intuition” today.

My ten year old had asked her mom if they could go shopping. She’s outgrowing most of her clothes and wanted some new outfits. My wife decided to make a day of it, hitting several different stores and making sure they got everything on her list that they could find.

They got home, showed me all the new clothes and then I called my daughter over.

“Before I ask my question, what is my rule about lying?”
“You get in more trouble for lying than for whatever it was you lied about.”
“Okay, so I’m going to ask you one time…who are you trying to look pretty for?”
I’m smiling as I ask this. I tell you that because I didn’t want you to imagine me using my mean voice.

“Umm, well, I want to look nice for the other kids at school..”(cheesy grin)“But also…there’s this boy who always comes to summer school and we hang out and we talk a lot and I kinda wanted to look pretty for him, too.”

I just smiled and gave her a big hug and told her thank you for telling me the truth. In the background, my wife says, “What! I didn’t know anything about a boy!”

I cupped her face, looked down at her and said, “Remember, I’m your daddy. I just know these things.”

Watching a Big Dick Transformation Take Place

I want to introduce you to my good friend, Thor.

He’s not really Thor, but he’s such a modest guy that he asked me to change it to something a little less bad ass than his real name. I went with Thor because Staff Sgt Max Fucking Fightmaster was already taken.

So, anyway, meet Thor.

This is a metaphorical representation of his awesome manliness. Actually, it’s just a squirrel with really big balls.

I’ve written about him before in this awesome post where I tried to seduce his wife with my meat.

BBQ, you naughty kids.

BBQ, you naughty kids.

Thor is one of my closest friends. He’s part of my deer camp group and I proudly name him as one of the two most influential peers in my life.

But about six months ago, I got the chance to influence him. I had not announced the blog to anyone in our social circle, but it came up in discussion at our deer camp. It went something like this,

“Hey Thor, I can tell you how to get more sex.”
“Okay, I’m listening.”
“Chicks dig guys that are in charge.”
“No, seriously. Go home and tell your wife you are going to start taking the lead in the decision making. You’ll be knee deep in sex in no time.”

That’s the readers digest version of our two hour long conversation, but I basically laid out everything we’ve been discussing here at the Big Dick Chronicles. He was intrigued to say the least.

Deer camp ended and he went straight home and told his wife that some changes were on the horizon.
1. He was no longer bartering for sex. (I’ll do the dishes if it puts you in the mood)
2. He wanted a more dominant role in decision making.
3. He would be more dominant in approaching her for sex.
4. He wanted to focus on making himself more physically attractive for her.

Now, you may have noticed that three of the four topics focused on sex or attraction. That’s because we’re men. You tell us something can lead to more sex and we’re on it.
But guess which of the four has had the most profound impact on their life?

Thor was already what you would consider a man’s man. He has a law enforcement background, trained and proficient in firearms, sports a high and tight hair cut and a Khal Drogo goatee.

Like this, but manlier.

Like this, but manlier.

He has always fully embraced the husbandly role of provider and protector. But he had also bought into the fallacy that all women desire to be co-equals in leading a marriage.

When he went home to talk to his wife, he expected some version of “I’m a grown woman, you can’t tell me what to do!” What he heard was, “Cool. I still expect to have some say in our decisions, but otherwise…yes!”

Now, let me take a moment to explain Mrs. Thor. She is one of the most enjoyable competent women I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. She is educated, also trained in firearms, and an excellent wife and mother. We have always enjoyed them as a couple because they have such a good marriage. They work well as a team and they have built an awesome life together.

But what they have experienced in the last six months is the difference between good and great.

I’m going to share a bit of a personal story with Thor’s blessing because I want you to understand what this whole philosophy is about.

Thor and his wife have a daughter that is the same age as our middle child. In 3rd grade, they realized that she was struggling with the work and about mid year, the question started to come up about whether she would pass. Ultimately, it was decided that it would be in her best interest to stay another year, but it was going to be up to Thor and his wife to decide.

Folks, a decision like that involves a lot of tears. It upset some relatives, especially on her side, but they both knew it was right.

So Thor stepped up. He announced that he was making the decision to keep her back. It was absolutely the best choice for their daughter. (She’s doing great by the way)

How did Mrs. Thor respond? With an overwhelming sense of relief. The stress of standing up to family members, the guilt of wondering if they were harming their daughter, the strain of being the one to say, “I made this choice” would have broken her heart.

He was her hero that day and quite frankly, mine too. That is some amazing Big Dick parenting and he faced it head on.

A month or so ago, we were visiting and I asked him how things were going in their life. She enjoys the more dominant Thor in the bedroom. His willingness to take the lead in other areas of their life has helped relieve her stress levels. She likes the more attractive dress and the old school aftershave he wears.

Oh, and Thor has a harem.

Somehow he has found himself in a female dominated profession. But he has taken his own personal Big Dick mindset to the office. When they have professional get togethers, meetings, conferences, etc. he described himself as the head cock with a gaggle of hens following him around.

That’s how he described himself to the women he works with.

Guess what? They swooned. And then they followed.

Lessons From Disney World

So, back in March my father in law announced that he wanted to take the whole family to Disney World. Our family, my wife’s sister and her family and my in-laws. Twelve people total. He insisted on paying for the park tickets, rooms, meal plans, etc. which was an awesome offer since it turned out to be about a $10,000 trip.

We left out at midnight on Friday the 23rd and got back the next Sunday. Now that it’s over and we all survived, all I can say is….

Damn you, Mouse. Damn you to hell.

"You didn't enjoy your trip? Well, it's paid in full and non-refundable, so...suck it!!

“You didn’t enjoy your trip? Well, it’s paid in full and non-refundable, so…suck it!!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad. But it was an awesome opportunity to put some of our Big Dick philosophies into practice. So, here’s what I learned.

1. Men have got to take the lead.

I need to explain a bit about our family dynamic. My wife is a stay at home mom. Her sister is a high level civilian employee with the Air Force. Her husband is a really nice guy. You would enjoy having a conversation with him. But the truth is, sister is in charge and it is wearing her out.

This trip was supposed to be her chance to relax. Everything was planned and paid for. The grandparents were there to babysit their two year old. All she was supposed to do was show up and have fun with her kids.

But guess what happened? Disney World is freaking chaotic. It’s non-stop running and on the fly decision making. And all she got from her husband was, “Whatever you want to do dear.” He made it clear from day one that he was there to push the stroller in whatever direction she pointed him.

So, sister-in-law was miserable and stressed the whole time. Brother-in-law just wanted to go home.

How was it on our side? We loved it.

We loved it because we worked together to figure out exactly what we wanted. I made a lot of the tough decisions, especially the ones my wife feared would hurt someone’s feelings and I made sure I was active with the kids every minute of the trip. We split up quite a bit as our 7 year old just wanted to see the princesses and the older two wanted to ride the rides.

The contrast between the involvement of the husbands was so stark that my father-in-law actually brought it up to my wife, expressing how thankful they were that I was participating and enjoying myself.

2. Raising great kids is a long term project.

Every day you watch your children grow. A little at a time. They develop so slowly you almost don’t notice. That applies to their emotional development as well as their physical growth.

We are raising our kids in a very rural area; sandwiched between two small towns with a total population of less than 500. To put this in perspective, each day a single Disney World theme park has nearly 40,000 visitors,  four times more people than our entire county.

This is not an environment that our kids are used to. We took an 11 year old, 9 year old and a 7 year old and threw them in the middle of a small city for 12 to 15 hours a day. Oh, and it was 95 degree heat and about 10 miles of walking each day.

And they were awesome.

They listened, they cooperated, and the whining and complaining was kept to a bare minimum the whole time. We never had to worry about where they were. They didn’t get overwhelmed by the crowds. They just followed the rules and had a great time.

Then they endured a 21 hour car ride home without a single complaint.

That doesn’t happen overnight. They endured a 10 day trip with 42 hours of driving and they did it with great flexibility and an upbeat attitude the whole time. It was a natural reaction for them. We’ve tried our damndest to raise them with those qualities and they proved themselves to be amazing kids.

3. Find time for sex when you can and accept when you can’t.

Never had sex in a hotel bathroom before.

It was somewhere between




this. Much closer to this.

this. Much closer to this.

“Kids, turn the TV on… Louder.”

“Honey, turn on the hair dryer while I get naked.”

And try to get done before the hair dryer causes heat exhaustion.

That was Saturday, on the drive down. The rest of the week, we were sharing a two room suite with three kids and mother in law. Sex wasn’t even a consideration and that’s okay. We were focused on other enjoyable opportunities for our family and marked “hotel bathroom sex” off our bucket list.

4. You appreciate things more when you are personally invested in them.

This was one of my few struggles on this trip. Father-in-law wanted to pay for everything. Again, a wonderful gesture, but I’m a strong proponent of the idea that people have a hard time really appreciating things that are completely free.

The whole family wanted to drive together, mainly so father-in-law could control paying for all the gas and hotel rooms. I don’t mean that in a negative way, but it was true. We didn’t like the travel schedule they wanted to keep, so we chose to go our own way (an example of stepping up and making a tough decision). We paid our own expenses, which ended up being around $700.

Sister’s family did not. They allowed the parents to pay for everything including every purchase at the parks. Father-in-law purchased the photo package where the park photographers take pictures for you and they are all saved to a website for you. It was a neat deal, done mostly for sister in law since my wife takes a thousand pictures anyway.

We downloaded the pictures and realized we had taken over 250 and sister had taken around 75. Father-in-law was not real happy that they hadn’t utilized something that he paid good money for.

Please understand, this is not a “we’re better than they are” post. It’s an exploration into how different mind sets can yield predictable results. Sister got an all expenses paid trip to Disney World and just wanted it to be over. We accepted the prepaid portion, paid our own way for the rest and had an awesome time.

This is not just a correlation issue, this is a causation issue.The structure of our two families is drastically different and it was very evident on this trip, almost painfully so.

The concepts we discuss here at the Big Dick Chronicles work. We are working hard to develop a healthy productive way to live our lives and it seems to be working.

5. Belle at the Akershus Restaurant has a voice that could make a man do some bad things.

Meet Belle



This young lass is not bad looking; I certainly wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, but that’s not the point. This woman had a voice. As the good daddy, I was holding all the autograph books when we stepped up to take our picture with her.

So I chatted with her for a minute while she signed the books. I’m pretty sure all she actually said to me was, “Oh, so you’re in charge of the autograph books, eh?”

But what I heard was, “You sexy stud. Responsible fathers get me hot.”

Hey, it could happen.

Afterwards, I immediately told my wife that Belle was my version of her infatuation with Sean Connery’s voice. I enjoy telling that story because I enjoy seeing my wife’s cheesy grin every time I admit that I’d gladly push an old woman in front of a Disney  World bus if that woman asked me to.

Women, work on your sexy voice. When you get it right, you’re damn near irresistible.

I hope you all enjoy your summer. We managed to get ours off to a great start. The rest of the summer will be focused on naked pool time.

Greetings from us. And Bill Fuckin’ Murray.

Failure; You’re doing it right

I’m a huge fan of failure. I am a firm believer that overcoming mistakes is absolutely crucial to any kind of lasting success. I’m not going to tell you that I look forward to failure. The experience sucks. But I’ve grown enough to recognize the potential that comes along with a failure experience.

My two oldest kids are involved in Tae Kwon Do. They have been at it for nearly four years now and are two tests away from a full black belt. My son is almost eleven and is the  older of the two. But his sister, who is nearly nine, came into at the same time so they have progressed at the same rate throughout.

They are the highest belts in their class and, since my son is older, he is the lead belt. Things have gone very well over the years, but we didn’t participate in the last testing session. The kids just weren’t physically able to complete the board breaks required to pass the test so we opted out.

On the plus side, it gives them more time to practice before the next test. On the down side, they are in a bit of a holding pattern. They can’t move on to any new techniques until they pass the next test, so they just keep going over the old material as they keep working on the board breaks.

So my son has gotten frustrated. He’s bored and his attitude has started to deteriorate in the classes. After a rough class earlier this week, the instructor pulled him aside and basically demoted him. He called him out on his attitude and informed him that his little sister would be lead belt until further notice. He was going to have to earn it back.

He was pretty sullen on the way home. When we got in, I sat down with him and asked him how he was feeling. I expected him to break down. I figured he would be embarrassed about the reprimand and worried about letting us down.

His response? “I’m happy for (sister), she’s earned it.”

Today they had a good class. He worked hard and kept his attitude in check. It was a great learning opportunity for him and if he can learn those lessons at ten years old, his future is going to be very bright.

Unlike this guy-doin-it-wrong-6

A Big Dick learning opportunity, sort of..

I am standing in line at Wal-Mart. In front of me is a man wearing cowboy boots, a trucker t-shirt, and a Marine hat. He has two young girls with him; they look about 13 and 10.

The ten year old girl is bossing him around like a drill sergeant. “I want (insert toy name). You said I could have it. You said!”

Mr. Marine is telling her no, but his head is down and you can tell he won’t last long. I’m watching all this and thinking, “Where is this guy’s dick?” I’m thinking about what a great lesson this would be. This is absolutely NOT Big Dick parenting. I’m starting to think of other examples that I could put together with this one to make a post on the topic.

In the middle of my daydreaming, the girls run off to the exit doors to look at the quarter machines outside. He tells the ten year old to grab her coat from the cart. From five feet away, she completely ignores him. Even the old lady working the register is affected by this. She lets out a guffaw and shakes her head. This is a guy in serious need of some Big Dick thinking.

Then he turns to me. “You got any kids?”

I nod. “Three of them.”

He nods, “Sterilize them now. Before they breed.” He turns back to the check out lady. “I’ve got eight kids and twenty five grandkids. Those grandkids are killing me.”

The checkout lady is taken aback. “Didn’t anybody tell you what was causing that?”

He sorta smiles, “Yeah. And I guess we were pretty good at it. Every time I got shipped off to Vietnam, I’d get a call. ‘Guess what, you’re a daddy again.'”

The girls come back to the register. “Gimme four quarters.”


“I want something.”

“Get out of here.”

The girls leave and he is just about done at the register. He had written a check for $5 over and she is getting him his change. He lets out a big sigh. “Before you close that register, it looks like I need $2 in quarters.”

Carry on, Marine. Carry on.