Okay, I’m gonna ask for a bit of patience here. Asking why men are obsessed with boobs is a lot like asking, “why is the sky blue?” Sure there is probably some accurate, boring scientific answer, but as far as us normal folk are concerned the answer is, “What kind of question is that? Because. Just…because. What the hell?”
I’m not just posting this topic as an excuse to post lots of boob pics with witty captions,
Seriously. This is not why we’re here.
it was actually the result of a real conversation that occurred at our kids Tae Kwon Do class.
It began as most good controversies do; with women talking. One of our friends was complaining about her boobs, I believe in reference to buying bras.
Then the women go into one of those awkwardly personal conversations about their bra habits/preferences which leaves us men with no choice but to stare at their chests the whole time they are speaking because, hey, you have to educate yourself if you want to understand the conversation.
She ended up making a comment about wishing her boobs weren’t so big and we all went, “Eh?”
The subject of our discussion.
She isn’t built like a 12 year old boy, but she isn’t exactly suffering from lower back problems either. The other two participants were my wife, and a third mom who is a bit on the large side. She of course, suffers from DDD size breast which are not attractive by any measurable standard. At one point in the conversation, she turns to me and says, “Why are men so obsessed with boobs? What the hell is wrong with you guys?”
I basically acknowledged that yes, men love boobs of all shapes and sizes. We aren’t necessarily concerned with shape or size, we just like boobs. I told her that Ron White was dead on when he said, “Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn’t…want to go. But I ended up going, ’cause—back me up on this, fellas—once you’ve seen one woman naked, you…pretty much wanna see the rest of ’em naked.
Women do not understand this! But all the husbands in the group thought for a second and then nodded, “yeah, that’s about right”. The women were left shaking their heads.
Which leads me to an uncomfortable truth that I didn’t bring up at the time; if any woman in that group had said, “you wanna see my titties?” I would have said, “yeah, I do….okay, that’s enough. You can roll them back up.”
After our class, I had a few days to consider the question and realized I really did want to have an answer. After several days of giving it lots and lots of consideration (I’m willing to suffer for my work), I came to a conclusion.
We arrived at class a few nights later and I sat next to the fat chick (a term of endearment I assure you. She’s an awesome lady and she’s outspoken about her size. It’s cool) and leaned in close.
“I have an answer to your question.”
“Why are men obsessed with boobs.”
She shifted to face me and perked up. “Okay, I want to hear this. What have you got?”
“Men are obsessed with boobs because that’s where you keep the nipples.”
When she finally quit laughing, she asked me to explain.
Screw all those theories about evolutionary biology, pair bonding, and mate selection. Those are just excuses male scientist make for wanting to stare at nipples all day.
“This is important scientific research. You uneducated peons wouldn’t understand.”
Ladies, if you’ve ever had trouble trying to understand what all the fuss is about, it really is quite simple. We aren’t obsessed with boobs, we’re obsessed with nipples.
If they were located somewhere else, on your elbows perhaps, we probably wouldn’t give your boobs a second thought. But you’d have a hell of a time keeping us from rubbing up against you when standing in a crowd.
This led to an obvious follow up question which was much easier to answer: “Why are you so obsessed with nipples?”
Again, screw all the real science; I’m talking about real life here. So here it goes; my completely unscientific, totally anecdotal answer to one of life’s burning questions:
1. It is one of the few things you keep hidden from us.
In a world of yoga pants, thongs, and skin tight shirts, there really isn’t much that women today try to hide. From the waste down, you’re walking around damn near nude.
Seriously, what was the point?
Unless you’re doubling up on the sports bras, we’ve got a pretty good idea of the size and shape of your breasts. But even with all of that, there is one part of your body that remains elusive.
When men first begin to encounter bras as teenagers, the concept of “support” is lost on us. We can sort of understand if you need to keep those puppies caged while playing sports or running, but for the most part we understand one single concept; you wear a bra to keep us from seeing your nipples.
We know this because every woman we know is extremely self conscious of being “nipply”. You want your breast to be prominent. You like the look of good cleavage, but you will cross your arms and cover yourself at the first sign of protruding nipples.
Ladies, let me ask a hypothetical.
You are home alone, hanging out with no bra on. Someone comes to the door and you don’t have time to throw one on. You answer the door with your arms crossed. Are you trying to keep us from seeing the natural state of your breasts, or are you keeping us from seeing the outline of your nipples?
From our perspective, your protectiveness of any evidence of nipple is a sign that it is something valuable and that intrigues us.
2. Movies and magazines have trained us to believe that is isn’t nudity unless there is nipple.
As much as we enjoy the sight of breasts, we don’t consider that we’ve seen you naked until we’ve seen nipple. And somehow, you women seem to agree with us. A woman will wear the skimpiest bikini on the market and proudly pose for pictures, but will be embarrassed to the point of death if there is even a hint of “nip slip”.
(I know you were hoping I’d throw in a photo to demonstrate, but I can’t quite bring myself to post nudity on this blog..so no.)
Actresses on television can show any and every part of their breasts without censoring except the nipple. Strippers can be completely topless as long as they wear pasties. In our current American culture, we’ve come to a consensus that nipples are the taboo part of the breast.
For example, topless women are a large part of the daily photos of one of my favorite sites, thechive.com. What you will notice though, is that they don’t include any uncovered nipples. The women in these photos, mostly selfies I might add, confirm in our simple men’s brains that we haven’t actually seen them nude because they covered their nipples.
See? Perfectly acceptable. No nudity here.
Hey, I’m not saying it makes sense. I’m just saying it’s true.
3. Nipples are our only reliable visible indicators of sexual interest.
The immediate response to this point was, “That’s not fair. There are all sorts of things that make our nipples get hard.”
True, but the same applies to our dicks. It doesn’t matter. I get an erection every time the wind blows. But were you to see it, you aren’t going to assume that it’s because I have to take a piss. You would see it as a sign of sexual interest.
That’s how we see nipples. Obviously, I can rationally understand that a fully dressed woman walking through Wal-Mart isn’t pointing the headlights my way because she wants me. But what it does do is remind me that she is a sexual person capable of being aroused.
And that’s really all we care about, right guys? We want to know that the women around us are capable of wanting sex. Perky nipples don’t necessarily mean sexual availability, but they remind us of that potential.
Oh great. I just confirmed your worst fear, didn’t I ladies? When we men see evidence of your nipples, we get horny and there is nothing you can do about that. I would love to tell you that it isn’t true, but it is. Sorry.
But, take heart. Once you get past the creepiness factor of realizing that every guy has this reaction, even the creepy old man greeter at Wal-Mart, you will understand that you’re wielding an awful lot of power in those holsters.
Here’s an experiment; next time you find yourself a bit too pointy, get real coy, sway side to side a bit, and ask your guy for some outrageous favor. Not something impossible, like a new car, but something that he has no valid reason to comply with. “Farm boy, fetch me that pail.” You get the idea.
Don’t be surprised if you get an immediate, “As you wish.” Okay, maybe not immediate. He’ll likely take a moment to stare, but the point is, you win!
So be proud of those high beams, ladies. They are one of your most powerful weapons. Also be aware that it matters not what size you are. We are transfixed by nipples whether they are attached to an A cup, or DD’s. Although I will confess a personal preference for a full cleavage.
Say hi to Mrs. Big Dick Chronicles.
Okay, last thought. Here is something you ladies may not know. I took a poll of some of my buddies; would you rather see your woman in a skimpy bikini top, or in a full t-shirt with no bra?
The answer was unanimous;
Okay ladies, I’m giving away of lot of guy secrets here. You got to put this information to good use, and by that I mean go seduce your men. With great power comes great responsibility and all that.