The Top Five Female Sexual Fantasies- Introduction

Guys, I’m going to ask you to skip down a few paragraphs. I need to talk to the ladies in private for a moment.

Oh, you wonderful, sexy ladies. You’ve been naughty.
“Who me?” you ask in exaggerated indignation while you try to hide a smile, “Why I never!”

Oh yes you have. And I can prove it.
First, you’re reading a post about female sexual fantasies on a blog named The Big Dick Chronicles. For shame.

And second, you’re human.

That’s right. You are not alone in your delicious deviancy, and more importantly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re going to spend some time exploring just how “normal” some of your deepest desires are.

This is a touchy subject, and while I want to maintain a lighthearted atmosphere (my new motto for the blog is “self improvement..with dick jokes”), I don’t want to be crass or insensitive to reality. A lot of people, especially women, feel some level of guilt about their sexual fantasies. The list of reasons is endless; prior bad experiences, upbringing, skewed moral values, etc.

The question is, should you feel guilty? I’m going to make the argument that there is indeed a healthy range of fantasizing and I’m also going to encourage you to explore it.

But back to guilt for a moment, so we can get it out of the way. There is a segment of the population who report to having a shitload of fantasies and don’t feel bad about it.

But it isn’t who you think.

People who are most satisfied with their sex lives reported more active sexual fantasies.

Imagine that. Couples who are highly satisfied with their sex lives are more open to exploring, and acknowledging, the topics and ideas that turn them on.

The guilt aspect often comes when people are already unhappy and feel their fantasies are a by-product of their sub-par sex life. “I wouldn’t be thinking about these things if we were happy.” Obviously, this could be true of some women, but most often it’s a correlation not causation issue. You are naturally going to fantasize, but your circumstances dictate how you respond to, and feel about, the presence of those fantasies.

We also have to consider how your partner feels about your fantasies. Sometimes, the guilt comes from the idea that you are disappointing or betraying your partner. There is a lot of debate, and disagreement, about how much you should share with your partner, but I want you to consider this thought;

The ability to share your fantasies with your partner is a barometer of the sexual health of your relationship. Therefore, we strongly encourage you to do so!

You see, we men desperately want to know what the hell is going on inside your heads.
Sometimes, we just want confirmation that something is going on inside your head. We want you to fantasize because we want you thinking about sex. The simple, self serving truth is that, when you spend more time thinking about sex, we’re going to be spending more time having sex.

Now, let’s use some common sense here. Don’t try to go from “zero disclosure” to “here’s everything I’ve ever thought about” in a single weekend. Take it slow and keep in mind that every time you hit a wall, it just means you have some other work to do.

Why would any man balk at hearing about your fantasies?

1. He may be intimidated by them.
We hate feeling insecure and if your fantasy leaves us feeling inferior, it’s going to be hard to discuss. For instance, it may take several conversations to explain to your guy that your ultimate fantasy is another three inches in length. You aren’t wrong for wanting that, you just have to be careful in your approach.

2. He may be afraid to acknowledge similar feelings.
You may have a guy with his own guilt issues and if your fantasies touch on his hidden fears, he’s going to balk. For example; you really want a threesome, but he has an almost violent aversion to being anywhere near another dude because this one time, at band camp…..

3. He may fear having to expose his own fantasies.
As much as you women might fantasize, we’ve got ya beat; both in volume and degree. You might admit to us that you spent five minutes thinking about the UPS man. Quid pro quo dictates we tell you that we’ve thought about every one of your sisters and cousins.

As much as I appreciate that my wife is extremely open with me, I have no intention of ever telling her that I like to fill my cowboy boots with Vaseline and walk around naked.

You've never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

You’ve never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

4. He may have an actual moral objection.
Oh, who are we kidding. Just suck his dick and bring it up again just before he explodes. Problem solved.

But we’re not here to talk about the guys. We’re here to talk about the ladies.

Oh, gentleman. I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may join us now.

I’ve made the executive decision that this series of posts will focus on the top five sexual fantasies of women only. Because, really, who cares what men are thinking? But just in case you actually want to know; here is an exhaustive overview of men’s fantasies.

1. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis.
2. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis, preferably all at the same time.
3. Sex. Anytime, anywhere.
4. Sex. Maybe with some whips and handcuffs.
5. Sex. Post penis reduction surgery so our backs don’t hurt so bad.

Do you feel better now?

Then let’s begin.
What constitutes a fantasy?
You think this would be easy wouldn’t you? But are we talking about a passing thought that strikes you while walking down the street? Is it limited to what runs through your head during “alone time”? Do those thoughts fall into the same category as the things you think about when it comes to sex?

Brett Kahr, the author of “Who’s Been Sleeping In Your Head?” defines a fantasy as “a conscious thought…depicting a sexual act..sexual imagery and often sexual language which in many instances will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical stimulation of the genitalia.”

So, basically, a nerdy scientific way of saying “thoughts that get you off or make you feel sexy.”

In the interest of due diligence, let’s acknowledge that the possibilities for what constitutes a fantasy are endless. And whatever yours may be, I applaud you. We’re going to focus on the most common sexual fantasies as documented by multiple studies and surveys. If you’re personal preference isn’t on the list, don’t feel slighted. We could spend months trying to be exhaustive.

So without further ado; the five most common female sexual fantasies.

1. Sex with a stranger
2. Being worshiped in bed/Female dominance
3. Being dominated
4. Exhibitionism/being observed
5. Threesomes/group sex

Those are some broad categories and it’s going to take some time to go through this. And research. Lots and lots of research. But I do it so you don’t have to.

"Sigh." The things I endure for my readers.

“Sigh.” The things I endure for my readers.

You don’t have to thank me. It’s no trouble.

Over the next five posts, we’re going to explore these most common areas of sexual fantasy. I have to warn you though, it’s going to be more scientific than salacious. What drives our fantasies? Why do these things appeal to us? When are we okay to act on them?

And most importantly, can they add value to your relationships?

I can’t ask you to consider being more open in your relationship without giving you some insight on what we’ve experienced in our own.

It took us four years to figure out how to talk about sex. For four years, we were your typical awkward, uncomfortably silent couple. Our breakthrough came when I went on the road for several months. Somehow, the safety of talking over the phone allowed us to open up about how we were handling the time apart.

When we finally got back together, we were able to continue those conversations and realized that we actually wanted to talk about sex. We wanted to explore. We wanted to make it more fun. And most importantly, we could. We could make it more enjoyable. We could learn about each other, about what we actually wanted (or didn’t want) without upsetting one another.

Fast forward ten years. By now, she knows all about my fantasies of baking cupcakes nude with her and her sister. I’m pretty sure that she knows about everything but the cowboy boots.

It's squishy!

It’s squishy!

I’m not authorized to tell you about my wife’s fantasies. I’ll just tell you I’m a very luck guy.

Up next, the number one female sexual fantasy; Sex with a stranger.

chris-hemsworth-workout

Usually this one.

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A Day In The Life Of Something I Know Nothing About; Rock Climbing

This is where I grew up. Do you see the rocks?

I see one! No, that's a house. Sorry.

I see one! No, that’s a house. Sorry.

Nope? Me either.

I lived the first 18 years of my life at 299 feet above sea level. To put that in perspective, the average elevation in the US is 1,443 feet.

My wife is convinced that my personality was shaped by the landscape; flat and utterly boring. Good thing I got over that.

We did have trees, so there’s that, and I climbed them every chance I had. The view from the top of the water tower was amazing. You could see for ever.

But no rocks.

My first encounter with anything even close to rock climbing was in college. A group of guys came into the dorm covered in mud. They had gone spelunking, which is rock climbing in reverse.

“Sounds interesting,” I thought and then went back to studying.

Today, this is my version of climbing trees;

Look ma! No OSHA mandated safety harnesses!

Look ma! No OSHA mandated safety harnesses!

But still no rocks.

I really had no concept of what I was missing with rock climbing until I realized it’s the only thing standing between me and Mt. Midoriyama.

Wait. You mean this takes practice?

Wait. You mean this takes practice?

My kids are huge fans of American Ninja Warrior and it seems like 80% of the contestants are avid rock climbers. As we’ve watched the contestants perform, I’ve become more and more impressed with the skill and agility they possess. Not to mention how much fun they seem to be having.

So in honor of those who live in a world of where rocks grow large enough to climb, I decided to reach out to some avid rock climbers and find out what I’ve been missing.

Say hello to Annalisa, the author of the Climbing Together and Other Fun Adventures blog. Her blog spotlights the joys of climbing as a social activity, which is exactly what I wanted to talk about. So I reached out to her and she graciously agreed to fill me in on what it’s all about.

1. Some brief background; how long have you been involved in rock climbing/mountain climbing? What got you started? When did you really start to feel passionate about it?

1. I have been rock climbing for about 4 years. When I was a kid I always climbed everything, trees, boulders, sheds, whatever. I really got into rock climbing in its sport form (having all the gear, climbing up actual routes, and understanding what climbing is) in college. A couple friends invited me to try a climbing gym with them and I was willing to try something new and at that moment, more importantly, make some solid friendships.

I went with them and I loved it. The climbing was fun, but we also had a girl’s night climbing every week and it was very social. I liked that it could push my limits and that it was helping me overcome some of my fears and feel more confident. It was also fun. When I started, I didn’t know that I was passionate about climbing because so much of my joy from it was being with friends and having a break from school work. When I graduated though. I started to really miss climbing. I thought about it often and would try to invite someone who went to my school, but also really lived close to me at home to to go. It didn’t work out all that well.

A couple years later, I found meetup.com. I organized a rock climbing group to have partners, and then I started going a lot. I think that time was when I was really passionate. I was going a few times a week, if not almost everyday. It gave me great friends, it was how I met my boyfriend, it helped me relax and it was fun. I knew I really loved it because I’d be sad when I couldn’t go and I had the courage to go by myself when no one would go with me. I started training for it and reading about it and really becoming fully involved with the blog, facebook page, etc.

2. Your blog is built around a meetup group. Describe the rock climbing community for me. How important is the social aspect of what you do?

The interesting thing about climbing is that it is both very social and very antisocial at the same time. When you are on the climb, it is totally in your mind and all about you. Some people are competitive in climbing (usually they are competitive people in general) but for the most part it is very self competitive. People want to do the best they can be and progress.

It doesn’t really matter what other people are doing. It is very personally in how you grow, develop, and enjoy the sport. Having said that, there are many benefits to having other people there. If you are sport climbing or trad climbing (those both involve ropes but sport climbing has already placed bolts to clip into and trad climbing you place all your own protective gear) you really need a belay partner. You will have to be social with at least one person. If you are solo climbing (which is cliff climbing without any ropes) or bouldering (smaller climbs 10-20ft usually with pads to fall on instead of ropes and harnesses) you don’t need someone else. However, lots of boulder climbers are social because they like hearing how other people did it. What holds did they use, what moves did they do, what do they know about the climb. These things help them climb better.

You can climb by yourself and I know many people that do. They like being out in the woods alone with the rock and crash pad. It can also be very social where people invite everyone they know. The community is relatively small. I’ve met a lot of professional climbers and they are very approachable and humble. Many professionals will write back to my messages and be willing to hang out if you want to climb with them. It sometimes feels like all climbers know each other once you’ve been doing it for a while. When you first start out it seems like a much larger community because you don’t know anyone and there are a lot of people that climb recreationally but not all the time. Some people do it to work out, have fun with kids, etc.

3. What are some of your favorite highlights through the years? What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done while climbing?

All the dumb things I’ve done climbing are pretty typical. I was sport climbing once in a cave. I was scared of falling so I tried to clip the next clip which was way above my head. I pulled out lots of slack to make it but instead of clipping, I fell and since there was so much slack in the rope, I nearly hit the ground. Now when I climb, I try really hard to just keep climbing when scared knowing the fall is safer cause there is less slack out.

We all make stupid mistakes and learn from them. Some have harsher consequences than others. A lot of mistakes can be ego driven. You think you’re strong and this climb is easy so you don’t pay as much attention, etc. Some are honest mistakes, and some just can’t be helped.

Many of my climbing highlights have to do with places I’ve traveled to. I loved climbing in Bishop, CA. I’m from CT so that is a pretty far trip for me. It was beautiful out there. I absolutely fell in love with the town and the climbs. I liked going to the Red River Gorge. We stayed in an amazing log cabin with a fire place and hot tub, had some of the best pizza ever at Miguels, and just enjoyed all the cool nature things like seeing tons of deer that practically walk right up to you. I saw some of the most unbelievable sunsets and moons and stars I’ve ever seen.

Some of my best moments have been just talking with friends over campfires and hanging out. Some of it has been accomplishments. I won second place in a climbing competition and got a free rope, free jacket, free shoes, and free chalk bag. I felt like a pro. I also felt really excited climbing my first V5 because it was the hardest grade I had climbed. There are lots of memorable moments.

4. If I decided I wanted to get involved in rock climbing today, what do I need to know? How hard would it be to just jump in at age 36?

It is fine to climb at any age. People always think its best to start as a kid because they are fearless and pick up things fast, but any age is fine. There are some hard climbers who are older. Some people climbing when they are 80 or 90. It’s fine.

The best place to start is usually a gym because you can rent all the gear. Some places do outdoor guiding which is often more expensive than a day at the gym but it gets you outside with all the gear you need and a professional to help teach you. Going outside on your own is hard unless you have experienced friends. You do need equipment and to know what you are doing. Some people are really intense about only climbing outside, but I think a gym is a good starting place. It is important to know you will progress and get better.

The first time is just about having fun and seeing if it is something you want to invest in buying the gear for and learning more about. You can certainly just keep going to a gym and renting without every buying a single thing. Having fun is important. Everyone starts somewhere and the more time and practice you put in, the better you get. With meetup groups, gyms having partner boards or programs, and belay classes, you met a lot of people. So I don’t think it is hard to get started. You take a class, meet some fellow beginners, meet experienced people through out the gym and build your community. Most climbers are easy going and willing to help someone learn.

5. There isn’t a lot of natural terrain to work with where I live. What options do I have for getting involved?
Some people have cliffs in their back yard some people have to drive three hours to get to one. There are gyms everywhere though, which is helpful. They help you learn, have an afterwork place to go, and meet other climbers. As you know more and get better you can always plan climbing trips. Gyms are a good option for places without much natural rock though.

6. One of my concerns with new hobbies is start up costs. If I wanted to start climbing, how much am I going to spend on equipment just to make sure I don’t kill myself?

Climbing can be expensive. To some degree it is how much you are willing to spend, but to some degree it is pricey. For my local gym a day pass is $17, equipment rental adds on about $10 more and the belay classes are about $30 (they are usually one time though). Many gyms have memberships for $50-$70 a month. To buy your own gear you are looking at shoes from about $70-$170, ropes from $100-$300, harnesses about $50-$100, chalk bags like $10-$30. You don’t need them all right away if you can rent though. Crash pads are a couple hundred usually too, but some you can rent for a day for like $15. It can get expensive but you can pay over time. I got my own shoes, then chalk bag, then harness, etc over like a couple months.

Another important thing is that a lot of people think if they have a fear of heights they can’t climb. I actually have a really bad fear of heights, and love climbing. You just need to get comfortable falling at gradual heights, right off the ground, then a little higher up. For many people since they are facing a wall they don’t really notice. The gear also keeps you really safe and secure.

Helmets aren’t required but they are a good idea and one I’d probably recommend.

So if you are looking for a new adventure, or just a great reason to get together with some friends, go climb something. I still haven’t found any rocks near my place, but I’m taking a hard look at some of those trees.

 

Overcoming The “Poor But Arrogant” Mindset pt 2

I want to start by telling you every word of this is true. You may read some of this and think, “there’s no way” but in reality, the stories I’m going to share are quite common where I grew up.

I also want to be clear that while I’m not here to bash poor people, I am more than happy to talk shit about my own messed up family. That is one of the few benefits I gained from growing up with them. I’m allowed to laugh.

Where I’m from

My father and mother were born and raised in the countryside of southeast Missouri. My grandparents were factory workers and farmhands. Their education was limited and they would qualify as “dirt poor”.

My mother was one of five kids and my father is one of six. When my mother was 17, she became pregnant with my older brother. My father dropped out of high school his junior year and they were married. I was born when he was 19. By age 22, they were divorced and my father was raising two young boys on his own. My mother left to join the Air Force.

Here is one way to determine if you grew up poor. If you are 36 years old and most of the homes you lived in as a child have been torn down, you were probably poor.

This is where I lived during my senior year of high school.

Home sweet home.

Home sweet home.

The top half of that building has two apartments. My father, my brother and I shared one with my uncle. We moved there after my dad decided to blow up his second marriage by intentionally getting caught having an affair with a black woman.

Did I mention southeast Missouri is still a pretty racist place to live?

I would show you the trailer we moved into six months later, but I can’t because it’s been torn down. A funny story; one day the cops arrested my brother after finding a bunch of stolen items hidden underneath it. He didn’t do it though, my cousin did. In a strange bit of irony, he stole the tools from the father of the girl my brother knocked up about six months later.

I love small town life.

Okay, this post has been pretty depressing so far, but I promise I’m getting there.

You are responsible for your own life,” is one of the central themes of The Big Dick Chronicles. I want to give you a glimpse into what I grew up with specifically to point out that none of that shit matters.

With everything I experienced, had I chosen to adopt a “poor but arrogant” mindset, it still would be entirely my fault. I know this because I had choices to make at every step along the way. Nothing was predestined. But I did learn one crucial truth that I can only truly appreciate now.

When you are poor, you have no room for error.

My older brother dropped out of college because he didn’t keep coolant in his truck and blew up the motor. He was attempting to commute 60 miles to school and lost his transportation. Poor maintenance, lack of funds, goodbye higher education.
No margin for error.

Okay, let’s move on to the heart warming part of the story. This is mostly a tribute to my father (he’s still alive and doing fine by the way), who had the foresight to teach me some surprisingly simple lessons. But be forewarned, simple doesn’t mean easy.

These are the lessons he has taught me.

1. You must value learning.
My 23 year old father taught me to tell time when I was four years old.

Every time he sat down to relax, he had a book in his hand. Every evening in our home found the three of us sitting around the living room, watching tv and reading books.

He was not a demanding man, but he made it clear that he expected our best in school. Once we proved we were capable of something, that became our new normal. Good grades were expected because he knew we could. My brother graduated 3rd in his class and I graduated 1st in mine.

If you come from an educated family, this may sound common place. But realize that my father was the only one on either side of my family that actively encouraged learning for his children. I have several cousins, and one sister, who didn’t finish high school. In our modern age, this is unconscionable to me, but it’s true.

2. Keep your nose clean
I come from a long line of criminals, going back generations on my father’s side.

We’ve had moonshiners, druggies, and thieves.  I still have 2nd cousins who run chop shops in St. Louis. My dad’s sister was the first person to offer me drugs. Most of my family has been arrested for something at some point in their life.

My father was arrested once; because they mistook him for his brother. I remember being 7-8 years old and hiding under the covers in my grandparents living room when the sheriff came looking for my uncle.  He was hiding in the bedroom. He had escaped from prison in Michigan where he was serving time for stealing cars.

When my grandfather died, the death bed discussion among my aunts and uncles was about how to break into my cousin’s house to steal grandpa’s pain pills.

Folks, I wish I was making this stuff up.

In a family that was always looking for the easy answer, my father refused to participate. He avoided the drugs that were rampant in our family, and stayed out of jail.

Again, most people would consider that last sentence a no-brainer, but it was the culture of our family. It was, and still is, expected that you’re going to end up in jail at some point.

You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult to stay out of jail, but you’d be surprised. I had a cop read me my rights when I was 16 because I had wrecked my truck and my uncle (the escapee) towed it away from the scene and hid it at my grandparent’s house. In case you didn’t know, that’s called fleeing the scene of an accident with property damage.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

The scene of the crime. Technically, I own that power pole.

I went to the station and squared it away. The fact that I came in on my own is the only reason I didn’t go to jail.

No margin for error.

3. Work your ass off
My father worked. It was never fancy, but he always found his way into a supervisor or management position everywhere he went. Most of his life was spent in factories, but wherever he went, he did his best.

He had no tolerance for the men who complained about actually being expected to perform at their job. “You want me to bust my ass for minimum wage? Hell no. I’m doing just enough to not get fired.” He expected them to bust their ass because it was right. Because it was what he did every day.

I graduated high school at the top of my class. I had a 4.0 gpa and was headed for college in the fall but I took an unconventional path for my summer job. I was a chicken catcher.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

Just like this, except for the mask. Masks were for pussies.

This was one of those jobs you didn’t even apply for. If you were willing to work, you just showed up. If you stayed, you got paid. It was by far the nastiest, most grueling work I could imagine.

No one expected me to make it. “College boy, what are you doing out here? This ain’t for college boys. You won’t last a week.

But I did make it. And I was damn good at it, too.

I learned a lot from those guys. First, I learned that I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. Second, they valued one thing; can you work?

I had never been admired for my work ethic before. They didn’t give a shit about my education or my ambitions. They wanted to know if I could keep up and come back tomorrow.

I took that job for one reason. I knew that when I went to college I would have to work every minute I wasn’t in class. If I could handle that job, anything I had to do during college would be a cakewalk. I was right. It’s still the worst thing I’ve ever done.

4. The right marriage choice is crucial
This time my father taught me what not to do. He is currently on his fourth wife. My father suffers from a severe fear of being alone. It has led him to make poor choices in choosing a wife and he found himself starting over numerous times.

Don’t get pregnant in high school.

If you do, the odds of ending up a single parent are astronomical. My dad did it. My older brother did it and he called me the other day to tell me his 18 year old daughter did it. Being a single parent is hard enough. Doing it while poor is damn near impossible.

Everybody in my family has been divorced except me and my grandparents. Seriously. For two generations, everyone in my family (older than me. I’m exempting the younger relatives that are just getting started) that has ever been married, is divorced. Divorce has heavily affected my family financially and emotionally, and it led to complete instability in the lives of the kids in my family. This is a topic that deserves its own post, so I’ll move on for now.

So I took my time. A long time. And I’ll be damned if my first attempt at a relationship didn’t almost ruined it all. Like I said, no margin.

My wonderful wife is only the second relationship I’ve ever had. After almost getting sucked in by a co-dependent young lady with a ton of issues, I realized I needed to get it right on the next try.

It wasn’t fun and loneliness hurts like a bitch. But it felt like my options were waiting for a legitimately good fit, or calling my dad to tell him there is another grand kid on the way and we’ll set a wedding date soon.

My wife was worth the wait.

5. No one is going to take care of you.
This is the lesson I am most thankful to my father for teaching me.

As a single parent, working for just above minimum wage, my father made the decision not to accept any public assistance. We survived on what he earned and it wasn’t pretty. We weren’t homeless, but we lived in low end rental houses and trailers. My father drove a mid-seventies Chevy Nova with a missing door handle. You opened the door with a screw driver.

What was his reasoning? “I made my mistakes. They are mine to take care of.”

When I turned 18, my father gave me one of the most important speeches of my life. “Son, I love you but you’re on your own.

See, my father had married for a third time and taken on three new step-children by this time. They needed the support more than I did.

So I took that to heart. I drove my ’64 Ford truck to college and scraped by. I ate peanut butter and jelly in my dorm room on weekends. Not sandwiches, just peanut butter and jelly. I didn’t have money for the bread. I cooked cheap frozen burritos on the hot plate of my coffee pot because I didn’t have the money to rent a microwave for my room. The coffee pot is also hot enough to cook Ramen Noodles if you let them soak long enough.

Even though I didn’t feel it at the time, I was a man. And he expected me to be capable of doing what men do; providing for themselves, finding their own way, building their own lives.

Why did this matter so much to me? My dad’s generation in my family is falling apart. They are in their late 40’s and 50’s and whatever health the drugs haven’t taken is being consumed by diabetes and heart disease. In large numbers, they barely work; their entire existence is reliant on government assistance. And most of my generation is following in their footsteps.

I don’t see my family much anymore. Distance helps; we’re about five hours away. But we made the decision that they were more a liability to our family than an asset. I don’t want, or need, my children being influenced by them. And sadly, they refuse to be influenced by me. I’m at peace with that.

When we go back home, we visit my father and my grandparents and that’s it. We’ve had to separate ourselves from the rest of the family and that’s okay. We’re just going different directions, I guess.

Am I unbelievably blessed? Absolutely. I don’t doubt that for a second and I thank God that he was watching over me as I went through that stage of my life. But the choices I had to make were not monumental. The difficulty was not getting distracted by all the dysfunction going on around me.

So there you have it. The origin story of the Big Dick Chronicles. It’s been an interesting ride.

Overcoming The “Poor But Arrogant” Mindset pt1

The Bell Curve is a bitch.

Erect Penis Size Chart

Erect Penis Size Chart

Unless this one is true. In which case, I take back everything I just said. If the Big Dick Chronicles ever folds, I think my next blog will be called The Standard Deviants.

But that’s not why I’m here.

In America, where there are no strict barriers against upward mobility, most poor people are going to stay poor. You can offer them access to all the information they need to improve their lives and most of them won’t use it. What is worse, most won’t even try.

Some will escape their poverty and move on to better things, but not many. I wish it weren’t true, but it is.What is really frustrating is trying to understand why they will stay poor.

Some are going to endure legitimate hardships that they can’t overcome; they will be injured, or develop a life long illness, or be born with diminished capacities.

For example; I have a cousin whose mother drank like a fish when she was pregnant. He qualifies as functionally retarded, but he’s also just…retarded. He went to jail for stealing a newspaper vending machine. There is no mystery here. His future is quite clearly established.

Some will try and fail. They will work hard to develop a life and it simply won’t pan out.

But not most. Most will simply be content to stay where they are. In fact, they may even find it preferable. They will continue in the ways of their fathers and they will pass on their dysfunctional ways to their children.

Normally, I try to include some relevant data in my posts to back up my points, but not today. Today I’m speaking anecdotally about my upbringing. So its possible that we were the only dysfunctionally poor family in America and none of this applies to the rest of you.

But we weren’t. What I’m going to describe took place all around me. So perhaps it was just my small town.

But it wasn’t. I moved to the other side of the state and found the same things happening. So I’m just going to continue and you can judge for yourself whether you’ve encountered any of these problems.

What do I mean “poor but arrogant”? Don’t confuse it with the phrase, “poor but proud.” I am not talking about your hard working farmer or blue collar worker who works his ass off every day to eke out a living and is content with what he has. There are many amazing people out there who understand the value of a honest days work. They keep their homes and equipment in immaculate condition. They wouldn’t steal a penny to save their life.

I know those folks exist, but they aren’t why we’re here.

I’m talking about those who find no shame in being unable to meet their own basic needs. Who don’t feel guilty that they contribute nothing of value to society. Those who don’t realize that there actions almost guarantee a life of failure for their children. This was the world I was born into.

To help you understand what I’m describing, here are five mindsets that were typical of the “Poor but Arrogant” culture I grew up in.

1. “This is just my lot in life.”
The idea that their situation could change is completely foreign. Some people are just always going to be poor (that unspoken bell curve) and there is nothing you can do about that. Their only hope is to win the lottery.

They are exempt from any personal responsibility on the basis of bad luck.

2. “Someone owes me a living.”
Employers are the bad guy. They would rather live on unemployment than go work some minimum wage job making some asshole rich.

My aunt (the one that offered me drugs, more on that later) told me she was better off not working. She got more in welfare and food stamps than she would make at a job. If she got off her ass and worked 40 hours a week, she would lose money so fuuuuck that.

3. The man is just trying to keep me down.
When Johnny goes to jail, it isn’t because Johnny broke the law. It’s because those prick cops get a hard-on hassling people. When the bank repossesses his car for non-payment, it isn’t his fault. Those greedy bastards took advantage of him when he tried to borrow money that he couldn’t pay back for a car that he couldn’t afford.

Here is an example. My younger sister, who dropped out of high school, called me one day to ask me to co-sign on a car loan for her and her husband.
Her: “We can afford it, but they won’t give us the loan without a co-signer.”
Me: “That’s because you can’t afford it. They know you won’t make the payment. Let me ask you, how much money do you have in the bank right this minute?”
Her: “I don’t know, maybe three, four hundred dollars.”
Me: “Girl, you don’t have a car payment now and you still don’t have enough money to pay the taxes to license the car. Don’t tell me you can afford a car payment.”
Her: “Fine. Thanks a lot.”

Guess whose fault it was that she couldn’t get the car?

4. I’ll always be poor, so I might as well enjoy what I’ve got as best I can.
Go to the rent a center and pickup that 50″ big screen for $45/month. Spend all your money on video games, cell phones, mud tires for your pickup and booze. This is all you can hope for out of life, so take it where you can get it.

Here’s a quick quiz to determine if your poor.
Fingerhut?

"Low, low monthly payments. We promise."

“Low, low monthly payments. We promise.”

Congratulations. If you recognize that name, you’re poor. And an idiot.

Full disclosure; I only included that because I was that idiot who bought a stereo out a magazine, on payments, because I didn’t qualify for a credit card. Hey, some lessons come later that others.

5. There is no such thing as preventive maintenance.
This was a concept that I didn’t even know existed until I was an adult. When you are poor, everything you own is disposable. You buy cheap with the understanding that it isn’t going to last long enough to bother maintaining.
The first eight vehicles I owned cost me an average of $500 each. Consider that; most of my automobiles cost less than the new set of tires they always needed.

For example! I drove a ’64 Ford pickup truck to college. It looked like this

Chick magnet

But with more bondo.

In 1995!

The concept applied to where you lived, what you drove, your furniture, and worst of all, your health. You eat as much as you can as often as you can. You eat cheap because packaged food cost less (not in the long run, I know) than fresh food. You don’t go to the doctor. You don’t exercise. You drink or smoke what you can as often as you can.

Can you see how difficult it would be to make any progress in life if this is how you see the world?

I want to tell you about my upbringing and how I managed to escape this self-defeating world view. I have to be careful not to overstate my accomplishment, because in the end, I’m going to tell you that it was surprisingly simple. The main theme I want you to see is that the opportunity to improve beyond my situation was always present.

Stay tuned….

Introducing My New Avatar

At The Big Dick Chronicles, I try to emphasize that Big Dick living is much more about your attitude towards life than about your anatomy, or hell, even your gender.

So when I come across someone who is living life to the fullest, I jump on the opportunity to offer them some recognition.

Do you know what’s cool? Going to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam and giving a big warm bear hug to a giant dildo.

No captioned needed. We'll just stand in silence for a moment.

No captioned needed. We’ll just stand in silence for a moment.

Do you know what is bad ass? Getting your picture taken with the giant dildo and then posting it on your blog.

But do you know what is truly Big Dick? Giving a total internet stranger permission to use that picture as their avatar.

Meet Linda, the amazing author of the Expat Eye on Latvia blog. I was referred to her site by my lovely friend, Anna, whom you met in my last post.

Linda writes an insightful and often hilarious blog about life in the northern European country of Latvia. I encourage you to check it out.

She is also a big fan of dick jokes.

A Day In The Life Of Something I Know Nothing About; Metropolitan Living

When I tell you I live in a rural area, I’m not exaggerating.

Do you see the white speck right in the middle? That's me.

Do you see the white speck right in the middle? That’s me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the wastelands of South Dakota where people don’t actually exist. We have electricity, running water and internet service; just not a lot of it.

As part of my ongoing series exploring things I know nothing about, I wanted to find out how different life is in the big city. What am I missing, tucked away in my quiet little corner of the world?

So I reached out to Anna at the Home and Away blog for some insight on metropolitan living.

Now, we’re all about low brow humor hear at the Big Dick Chronicles. How I came into contact with such a lovely, sophisticated woman as Anna still puzzles me. But I’m not going to question my good fortune, I’m just going to pump her for information to help improve my blog.

She was kind enough to assist me and as I read her responses, I found that our lives could not be more different.

1. Some brief background; what is your history of metropolitan living? How much of your life has been spent in large cities? What was your earliest age for living in a large city?

“I was born in Moscow and raised in the center of the city – the Kremlin was down the street from my school.

See that white spot in the middle? That's the Kremlin.

See that white spot in the middle? That’s the Kremlin.

Then, after a bit of back and forth between continents, I moved to the United States as a teen. After high school years spent in Suburbia (Maryland and Rhode Island) I went to college in Washington, DC and moved to New York City (Manhattan) after graduation. Nearly seven years later I was back to Moscow, which is where I live now. Oh, and while in college, I spent a year studying abroad in Paris and Madrid. When I travel internationally I tend to stick to cities for most of my itinerary as well – London, Florence, Amsterdam.”

Let’s put some context to that. The city of Moscow has a current population of approximately 11.9 million in an area of approximately 1,000 square miles. That’s a population density of 11,900 people per square mile.

In contrast, I have lived 93% (I did the math) of my life in areas with less than 10,000 people. More than half of that time has been spent in areas with less than 500 people. I currently live in the country, in a county with less than 10,000 people in 400 square miles. That’s an average of 25 people per square mile.

2. When you were younger (teens, college age) what did a night on the town look like?

“College was all about clubs on weekends. We were a pretty mainstream crowd – no funky underground musicians for us, just so we could seem cool! But we’d dance all night and then get a falafel from a corner cart at dawn before passing out. One of the unsung benefits of big city living is that nobody cards you at restaurants, especially when you’re wearing a suit on the way back from Congressional internship. So when not dancing, my friends and I would go out to “nice” DC restaurants for cocktails – we were such sophisticates! – and foreign policy debates. I don’t think any of us ever had a fake ID.”

We're gonna play Where's Waldo on DCclubbing.com until we find her.

We’re gonna play Where’s Waldo on dcclubbing.com until we find her.

In the late 90’s MTV aired a show “Sex in the 90’s” that highlighted the differences in life in New York versus middle America. The small town was Monett, MO. Not where I’m from, but nearby and similar enough. I wish I could find a clip to show you, but it’s long gone. Watching them try to describe the weekend “night life” in a small down was quite disturbing.

What do small town teens do on the weekend?

“Well, you just drive around on the main drag. Most folks turn around down there at the Sonic and then you drive down to the Casey’s store and turn around there. And you do that until you either find a girl or run out of gas money.”

Oh my.

My weekends were spent in a town of about 7,000 people. Our strip was the McDonald’s to the movie theater parking lot. When we ran out of gas money, we would run home and grab our bikes and just ride around town until 3 am.

Did I mention that I wasn’t real successful with the ladies?

But that was then. What about now?

3. And now? What does a night on the town look like as an adult?

“I certainly don’t take full advantage of Moscow’s nightlife, which is vivid and boisterous, because in my old age I am yawning by 1 am.(I actually tried to find some photos of Moscow nightlife to insert here, but they were all highly inappropriate for this article.)

Instead it’s theater (I have a dozen within walking distance from my apartment), a fancy lounge if a coworker is throwing a party (sugary cocktails have been replaced with vodka rocks with lemon), or a pub – my favorite. The weekends now are all about winding down from work, rather than being released into the wild!
In New York, one of my favorite things to do on a summer weekend was to go to the rooftop of the Metropolitan Museum of Art for champagne, funky installations and gorgeous city views.”

Okay, that's just not fair.

Okay, that’s just not fair.

Being in a rural area, we live an hour from everywhere. So a night on the town often begins with the hunt for a babysitter. Our over night babysitter is often the in-laws who are an hour away. That means we have to start by 4 pm, or we spend the first two to three hours of the evening driving.

Once that’s out of the way, we can choose from a movie, dinner, or an occasional comedian. Most times, we opt to just stay in. Grill a steak and watch cheesy movies until bed time.

We are starting to spend more weekends getting together with friends. This involves hanging out, grilling burgers, and drinking my buddy’s home brewed beer while the kids play. We’ve got friends coming over this weekend to enjoy some adult conversation while the kids run wild in the pool.

One of the things I hear people complain about is that it is too quiet in the country.

4. Step outside at 10:00 pm. What do you hear?:”

“Traffic! After-work rush hour might be over, but restaurant, theater and club rush is in full swing. Oh, and construction – usually for another hour at least.”

What do I hear? Bugs. Especially crickets. From every direction. Occasionally, the cicadas come around and it sounds like an electric generator right outside your windows. There was a pack of coyotes off in the distance tonight and occasionally, a semi out on the highway two miles away.

5. Let’s see a photo of what your daily life looks like.

The taxi ride to work.

The taxi ride to work.

The view from my office.

The view from my office.

What an amazing amount of life that is going on all around!

This is the view from my driveway;

Can you see my neighbor? Me either.

Can you see my neighbor? Me either.

There is a house back there somewhere.

There is a house back there somewhere.

I always enjoy finding out what people enjoy most from their adventures. So I asked.

6. What has been your favorite place to live? Your least favorite?

“I LOVED living in Manhattan. New York overwhelms a lot of people and I think the key here is finding your own little corner that’s a spiritual match of sorts. For me it was the quiet, green streets of the Upper East Side, with lots of sushi restaurants and Irish pubs. I took to it like fish to the water. Also the months spent in Madrid were pretty epic – that’s the city that embodies the “never sleep” mantra more than any other where I’ve lived. And I love Moscow, of course!

On the flip side there was Paris. Beautiful but overrun with tourists 365 days a year, it was also very difficult to enjoy for a poor college student incidentally placed in a very posh neighborhood. I was constantly counting my Euro-centimes and couldn’t do what I wanted to. It felt like a city for the rich – unlike NYC or Madrid, which could be easily enjoyed on the cheap.”

My current location is by far my favorite, mostly because it is mine. It’s the home that I’ve helped create. This is the place where I first began to feel like an adult.

The small towns where I grew up held too much dysfunction for me to romanticize; mostly because they were filled with my dysfunctional family. I don’t miss them.

Metropolitan life is so starkly different from anything I’ve ever experienced, that I can’t help but wonder, what am I missing?

7. What is the attraction of city life?

“So many – where do I start?! I think for most people, myself included, it’s about 24-7 access – to food, entertainment, basic services. It’s about freedom – doing what you want when you want to. It’s about choice – whether of the kind of cuisine I want to have for dinner, or whether I want to spend my weekend at a zoo or a movie theater or ice skating rink or a park. It’s about being able to call a friend on a whim and meet for a drink half an hour later, without anyone having to drive several towns over. It’s about having a dozen of friends and acquaintances all connected through metro lines. I also have a strong feeling of community and safety in a city – we are all in this together. If something happens there are a dozen doors I can knock on in 2 minutes. You are never alone. I love that.”

Dang, it’s hard to compete with that.

I think the first attraction of country life is the freedom. The land is mine to cultivate, build, create as I please. Life in the country requires a degree of self reliance. I have to know a moderate amount about construction, auto mechanics, and household repairs. We’re too far removed from service providers to call someone out every time something goes wrong.

There is no intrusion, no loud neighbors that keep me up at night. I can go outside and pee in the yard. We can swim naked in the pool at two in the afternoon (when the kids are still at school).

We basically live in a park. I can sit in a tree stand and watch a bobcat walk by 40′ away. Tonight I watched two large bucks jump across our road and into the woods next door. I’ve watched a coyote walk up to the base of my tree while hunting. We had a flying squirrel that liked to sneak into a closet and eat our dog treats.

It is quiet and relaxed. We don’t need speed bumps on our road. It’s gravel. Common sense keeps you at a leisurely pace.

So what if that all changed tomorrow? What if my job suddenly threw me in the middle of New York City?

8. After living my entire life in a rural setting, what would be the hardest adjustment if my family suddenly had to move to a very large city?

“Oh boy. This I can answer only based on the complaints of suburbanites who’ve visited me in New York or Moscow. Thus I am going to throw three options at you.
1-The noise and the lights. You would probably need earplugs and light-blocking curtains to go to sleep. By contrast, I have a problem going to sleep in a rural area because it is quiet and scary and creepy.
2-The traffic, both human and automotive. There is always a congestion, there is always honking, there are always people pushing you aside if you’re blocking their path onto the train. Everyone crosses on the red light when the cops aren’t looking. It’s mad. Only the strongest will survive.
3-There is no back yard for the kids to play in. You have to go to a park or a playground, and usually some supervision is best. In the summer a lot of people head out to the countryside at least for a few weeks. BUT – there are zoos and sea worlds and museums and festivals and amusement parks and educational resources like no other. I loved growing up in the city.
PS – there is a persistent stereotype of city people as rude and unfriendly. It is totally false. We just don’t like it when anyone is blocking the sidewalk as we rush to office/home/theater.”

Hearing this wonderful homage to city life, I’m left with the question; am I missing out?

The city is a wonderful life for some, but I’m a very laid back introvert. I would feel crushed in the city. The teeming masses would suck all of the energy out of me. Conversely, some people cannot handle the openness and lack of creature comforts that come from life in the country. To them, the silence is deafening.

What did I learn from researching this post? If I ever travel to the city, I better find a guide. I would be completely lost and forget to enjoy a single moment of it.

When you’ve had your fill of dick jokes, I highly recommend you check out Anna’s blog for some legitimate culture. She has some unbelievably beautiful photos from her travels throughout the world and travel magazine quality commentary.

“Just F@#$ Me Already!” What Nice Guys Don’t Understand About Sex

Sometimes, I feel like that masked magician who went on tv to give away all the secrets of magic.

My new avatar?

My new avatar?

Here at the Big Dick Chronicles I offer free of charge, and open to the world, insights into the often dysfunctional inner workings of how men think. I do this for good, you understand. This isn’t ammunition; it’s designed to help improve marriages.

If you are married to, or in a relationship with, a Nice Guy, congratulations. You are probably involved with a very skilled lover. Technically speaking.

We Nice Guys pride ourselves on being competent, and sex is no exception. We strive to make sure that we’re capable of satisfying a woman as thoroughly as possible. If our bedroom were a restaurant, our motto would be, “Nobody Leaves Here Hungry.”

Which is an apt metaphor for how we view sex.

Being with a Nice Guy is like having your own personal chef, on call 24 hours a day to provide you with a seven course meal of orgasmic delight. All you have to do is give us a nod and we’re pulling out the dough hooks for some made from scratch pastries.

In fact, we live to cater to your desires with a menu that would impress Chef Mario Batali.

He's impressed.

He’s impressed.

It is all yours! And all you have to do is let us cook for you! And why the hell are you pulling out a loaf of bread and a pack of baloney!
Oops, sorry. Nice Guys don’t get angry or frustrated. I’ll cut that last paragraph during editing.

This is how we think. We have the ability to bring you the utmost in sensual pleasure. We’re willing to perform these duties any time and anywhere. We’ll fire up the grill, we’ll do all the work, hell we’ve even do the dishes and put the kids to bed.

We are offering you gourmet seven course sex here. So why is that when we turn on the oven, you give us this pained expression and say, “I’m really not that hungry tonight, dear”?

Ladies, are you tired yet? I bet you are. Knowing what I know now, I’m tired for you. That is utterly exhausting.

Gentleman, listen up! Your sexual abilities do not dictate her hunger for sex!

I’ll give you a moment. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Better now? Okay, let’s continue.

Nice Guys are notoriously caught up on making sure we aren’t jerks when it comes to sex. If you aren’t satisfied, we feel like failures. Worse yet, we feel selfish. These are two of the most difficult emotions for any Nice Guy to endure. It’s even worse when we experience them together.

So sex becomes an event for us. We’re gonna make sure you get your money’s worth baby!

Every Nice Guy reading this is asking, “So what’s the problem?”

It isn’t what she wants.

What do you mean?! Who doesn’t want a gourmet meal?

Sorry guys, it isn’t for you to decide.

If you are one of those guys who says, “I’m going to blow your mind for three straight hours” every damn time you have sex, you are going to be disappointed. Whether you like it or not, this isn’t what women want.

So what goes wrong?

1. Too much pressure.
Guys, you have no idea the pressure you put on a woman when you make it clear that your intention is long, drawn out, multiple orgasm sex. Men don’t get it because we have no concept of failing to orgasm. We’re more concerned with trying not to orgasm.

If your wife is faced with the choice of trying to meet your expectations of responding with multiple orgasms (unlikely on most days) or simply avoiding the encounter…well, you know what happens. You get sex when she’s in the mood for marathon sex.

2. It becomes clear that you aren’t listening.
If your wife says, “Okay, but make it quick.” What do you hear? Your initial assumption is that she’s offering placating sex; the worst sex imaginable for a Nice Guy.

"I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It."

“I hope he hurries, I forgot to dvr Love It Or List It.”

But perhaps, just maybe, she just wants it quick.

This was one of the hardest truths I ever had to accept. The day my wife said, “Sometimes I just want you to throw me down, fuck me hard and walk away,” was difficult for me. I knew she was telling me the truth, but it contradicted everything I thought I understood about women and sex. She was asking me to…to…oh my God, she was asking me to act like a jerk.

(and all the women cheered)

3. You are completely dismissing and bypassing a women’s desire to be used.
This one was so hard for me.
Women can get off on the sensations of being used.
Women can have mind blowing orgasms from being taken.
And most importantly, women often prefer being used over being catered to.

How the hell is that possible?

Quite simple really; servants aren’t sexy.

Chris Hemsworth is sexy.

You're welcome ladies. You know who you are.

You’re welcome ladies. You know who you are.

And I guaran-damn-tee you he never once got laid by promising to service his wife. That’s a guy that throws you down, rips your favorite panties off (and you don’t mind, do you ladies?) and just pounds away until he’s satisfied.

Can you pull that off? I bet you could. If you tried.

4. Her orgasm is her responsibility.
I’m borrowing this concept from Athol Kay  at marriedmansexlife.com.

Make sure you understand the intent of this statement. I’m not telling you to be an asshole. Just be mindful of the fact that it’s perfectly acceptable to most women for you to orgasm even if she doesn’t. If she wants it, she can let you know and then do your best to accommodate.

Trying to force it upon her is ultimately selfish when you stop to think about it. It’s saying that you understand what’s best for her more than she does. It says that your desire to prove your ability is more important that her ability to enjoy sex the way she wants. It says you aren’t willing to consider that you might be wrong about this.

Have a conversation with your woman. I dare you. Asking if she feels pressured when you have sex. Ask her if she actually wants it quick sometimes. Ask her if it’s okay for you to be a jerk once in awhile.

And then, for God’s sake, listen to her when she answers you.