Top Five Female Fantasies: 1. Sex with a Stranger

A reader, who shall remain anonymous because it will piss her off :), offered the following critique of my previous post;

“Words
Words
Words
Words
Words
Words
Omg there are so many words where is the fun stuff???
Words
Sigh
More words
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

YES “

Sigh. You ladies are some hard taskmasters.

So, we’re coming out of the gate strong on this one.
Take a look at this video.

You just observed ten pairs of total strangers meet for the first time, undress one another, then climb into bed.

Would you do this? I bet most of you would not.

But you sure as hell fantasize the shit out of it.
Sex with a stranger tops the list of most common female fantasies time and time again. In one study by The Journal of Sex Research, 80% of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other that their husband while having sex. They also reported that 30% of all their fantasies involved sex with someone other than their partner.

And we’re going to try to figure out why.

To keep some consistency to this project, we’re going to break each topic down into three parts; 1. Defining the fantasy. 2. What drives the fantasy? 3. Can it improve your relationship?

1. Defining the fantasy
What constitutes a stranger?

Technically speaking, Sex with a Stranger includes anyone who is not your current partner, taking place in any setting. Now you can see why this tops the list so often. The variations on this fantasy are endless. Sex with a Stranger can range from totally anonymous………,

one night stand

to people who are an important part of your daily life….

Ewww.

Ewww.

And that’s where the difficulty comes in.

Could you admit to your partner that you fantasize about your favorite actor with no negative consequence? Probably.
Could you admit to him that you fantasize about his brother? Less likely.

This brings us back to the guilt factor and lack of communication. Fantasizing about strangers is almost as universal as masturbating, but we still feel the need to lie about it. Even though 90% of us think about it, half of us say it’s wrong.

So how do you open about a topic that nearly all of us participate in, but nobody wants to talk about? You try to understand its origins.

2. What drives this fantasy?
I love doing research. Sometimes it confirms what you already thought was true. Sometimes it catches you by surprise.

Why do women fantasize about strangers?

They do it for the rush.
Do you remember those early days of your relationship when it felt like you were “crazy in love”? Well, you were. Your brain was so jacked up on hormones and chemicals that you couldn’t think straight if your life depended on it.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

Yep, totally not her fault. It was all just hormones.

The introduction of a new relationship (or even the thought of it) gets the testosterone, adrenaline, and dopamine coursing through your system. These chemicals want to turn your body into a lust fueled sex machine.

When you casually flirt with the single dad at your kids soccer game, his response sends a surge of chemicals through your body that you cannot control. When you’re lying in bed at night, your body wants more. So you re-live the experience. You achieve orgasm, which is the equivalent of shooting up with dopamine, and it continues to strengthen the mental connection between you and your stranger.

Here is another video for you-

The physical response is immediate. The arousal began as soon as they touched. Adrenaline and testosterone begin coursing through their bodies and they were immediately willing to explore each other. The touch, or even the thought, of a stranger can induce some extremely intoxicating fantasies.

It’s a chance to explore new or unrealistic scenarios.
My Scottish accent sucks. My wife has been quite clear that a good Scottish accent is an instant panty dropper. But even with this promise of bountiful sex, I just don’t have it. So if she’s in the mood for a thick Scottish brogue, she’s just going to have to make it up.

"All you have to do is close your eyes...."

“All you have to do is close your eyes….”

Sex with a stranger is a natural outlet for all those ideas that will never work in real life. You want a rendezvous with a medieval knight? Close your eyes and let the film roll. Sex with a vampire? Why not. If you can think it, you can fantasize about it. So have at it.

But there is a utilitarian component to this as well. Let’s say you are considering a dominance fantasy. Assuming your partner doesn’t know the first thing about what you want or need, your fantasy is going to involve someone with expert skills. It allows you the chance to explore the scenario in controlled setting before you make the risky move of bringing it up in real life.

It’s a chance to let loose.
This is the most common reason women fantasize about strangers. It isn’t so much about wanting another person, it’s about the possibility of doing the unthinkable. It’s about indulging the deepest of your depraved desires with someone you’ll never see again.

All those desires you think will scare your partner? They don’t scare the stranger. And even if they do, so what? You’ll never see them again. The stranger fantasy is about no strings attached fucking. For most women, the person doesn’t matter. The stranger is irrelevant. It’s the scenario that matters. It’s about indulging your desires without judgment.

Consider this quote, ““At restaurants, I always fantasize about having a quickie in the bathroom with the best-looking waiter,” says Sasha, 29. “I love the notion of spontaneity combined with the idea that it’s someone I’ll never see again. It seems like the freedom to be as dirty as you want.” 

Which brings up the obvious question, “why does it have to be a stranger?”

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be.

3. Can it improve your relationship?
You may not be in a position to tell your partner that you fantasize about other people, but perhaps you can talk with them about the why.
Most of the appeal of the stranger fantasy is the desire for something new.
That doesn’t have to mean that something is wrong. It doesn’t even have to mean that you are dissatisfied. It simply means you are willing to extend your boundaries and explore more of what life has to offer you.

Seriously, get to reading.

Seriously, get to reading.

And with rare exceptions, your partner wants to explore with you. And guess what? He wants you dirty. That fantasy you have about giving a stranger a blowjob in the bathroom of a night club? Your partner would love to join you for that experience. Though, in reality, you may have to settle for the back seat of your car, parked securely in the garage. Reality tends to get in the way of the perfect moment.

Let’s take a quick look at our three “why” categories again.

The rush.
It doesn’t take a stranger to evoke the rush. Time has a way of diluting the dopamine reaction to your partner. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. Dopamine equals lust and lust equals physical attraction.

If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, it is time to speak up. We men aren’t very good at taking hints, but we are pretty easily persuaded. We can be persuaded to dress better. We can be persuaded to get in shape. We can be persuaded to improve. And I know you ladies can be very persuasive.

I left out one key piece of information regarding the top fantasies. While nearly everyone thinks of strangers on occasion, the single most common thing women fantasize about is sex with their current partner.

It turns out that one you want is the one you’ve got. If it’s the rush you’re after, spend time talking with your partner. Figure out what you need to do to bring the attraction back into your relationship.

Exploring new scenarios
We men really are not as boring as we seem. We are sometimes ruled by inertia, though. You know, an object at rest and all that. But our inertia is sometimes nothing more than a lack of communication. We’re certainly not bringing up the bondage scenario, but we would do back flips if you even hinted at the idea.

It may not be fair, but the truth is, women are usually the moderating force when it comes to sex. What I mean is, anything you can fantasize about, we’ve been there and done that to the power of ten. All we’re waiting for is your approval. If we ever find out that you are on board with our fantasies, we’ll be off the couch in a heartbeat.

But we naturally assume that you aren’t because we can come up with some messed up shit (wife/her sister nude cupcake baking, mmm). Yeah, I’m probably not getting that one. But that’s my point. My wife is the moderating force. Well, and her sister. I guess we should probably give her some say in the matter.

Unless you’ve actually approached the topic of exploring your fantasies and been shot down, I’m going to ask you to be open minded and consider reaching out to your partner.

Letting loose.
This almost sounds redundant to the previous post, but not exactly. The stranger fantasy is often about indulging in yourself, even more than exploring role playing.

Here is a quote from a clinical sexologist, Hernando Chaves, “Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control,” Chaves said. “People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it’s OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment.”

I’m going to keep stressing, we’re more depraved than you are.
And if not, refer back to my comment from the Introduction post. Bring up your fantasies during a blow job. Men are much more open to objectionable ideas when we’re heavily aroused. Science backs me up on this point.

I admit to none of these.

I admit to none of these.

The stranger fantasy does not have to mean discontent in your relationship. Ideally, it’s the starting point for opening the doors to communicating.

Unless you really are just interested in your brother in law. Probably best keep that one to yourself.

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The Top Five Female Sexual Fantasies- Introduction

Guys, I’m going to ask you to skip down a few paragraphs. I need to talk to the ladies in private for a moment.

Oh, you wonderful, sexy ladies. You’ve been naughty.
“Who me?” you ask in exaggerated indignation while you try to hide a smile, “Why I never!”

Oh yes you have. And I can prove it.
First, you’re reading a post about female sexual fantasies on a blog named The Big Dick Chronicles. For shame.

And second, you’re human.

That’s right. You are not alone in your delicious deviancy, and more importantly, you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re going to spend some time exploring just how “normal” some of your deepest desires are.

This is a touchy subject, and while I want to maintain a lighthearted atmosphere (my new motto for the blog is “self improvement..with dick jokes”), I don’t want to be crass or insensitive to reality. A lot of people, especially women, feel some level of guilt about their sexual fantasies. The list of reasons is endless; prior bad experiences, upbringing, skewed moral values, etc.

The question is, should you feel guilty? I’m going to make the argument that there is indeed a healthy range of fantasizing and I’m also going to encourage you to explore it.

But back to guilt for a moment, so we can get it out of the way. There is a segment of the population who report to having a shitload of fantasies and don’t feel bad about it.

But it isn’t who you think.

People who are most satisfied with their sex lives reported more active sexual fantasies.

Imagine that. Couples who are highly satisfied with their sex lives are more open to exploring, and acknowledging, the topics and ideas that turn them on.

The guilt aspect often comes when people are already unhappy and feel their fantasies are a by-product of their sub-par sex life. “I wouldn’t be thinking about these things if we were happy.” Obviously, this could be true of some women, but most often it’s a correlation not causation issue. You are naturally going to fantasize, but your circumstances dictate how you respond to, and feel about, the presence of those fantasies.

We also have to consider how your partner feels about your fantasies. Sometimes, the guilt comes from the idea that you are disappointing or betraying your partner. There is a lot of debate, and disagreement, about how much you should share with your partner, but I want you to consider this thought;

The ability to share your fantasies with your partner is a barometer of the sexual health of your relationship. Therefore, we strongly encourage you to do so!

You see, we men desperately want to know what the hell is going on inside your heads.
Sometimes, we just want confirmation that something is going on inside your head. We want you to fantasize because we want you thinking about sex. The simple, self serving truth is that, when you spend more time thinking about sex, we’re going to be spending more time having sex.

Now, let’s use some common sense here. Don’t try to go from “zero disclosure” to “here’s everything I’ve ever thought about” in a single weekend. Take it slow and keep in mind that every time you hit a wall, it just means you have some other work to do.

Why would any man balk at hearing about your fantasies?

1. He may be intimidated by them.
We hate feeling insecure and if your fantasy leaves us feeling inferior, it’s going to be hard to discuss. For instance, it may take several conversations to explain to your guy that your ultimate fantasy is another three inches in length. You aren’t wrong for wanting that, you just have to be careful in your approach.

2. He may be afraid to acknowledge similar feelings.
You may have a guy with his own guilt issues and if your fantasies touch on his hidden fears, he’s going to balk. For example; you really want a threesome, but he has an almost violent aversion to being anywhere near another dude because this one time, at band camp…..

3. He may fear having to expose his own fantasies.
As much as you women might fantasize, we’ve got ya beat; both in volume and degree. You might admit to us that you spent five minutes thinking about the UPS man. Quid pro quo dictates we tell you that we’ve thought about every one of your sisters and cousins.

As much as I appreciate that my wife is extremely open with me, I have no intention of ever telling her that I like to fill my cowboy boots with Vaseline and walk around naked.

You've never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

You’ve never covered yourself in Vaseline? Amateur.

4. He may have an actual moral objection.
Oh, who are we kidding. Just suck his dick and bring it up again just before he explodes. Problem solved.

But we’re not here to talk about the guys. We’re here to talk about the ladies.

Oh, gentleman. I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may join us now.

I’ve made the executive decision that this series of posts will focus on the top five sexual fantasies of women only. Because, really, who cares what men are thinking? But just in case you actually want to know; here is an exhaustive overview of men’s fantasies.

1. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis.
2. Sex. With everyone who doesn’t have a penis, preferably all at the same time.
3. Sex. Anytime, anywhere.
4. Sex. Maybe with some whips and handcuffs.
5. Sex. Post penis reduction surgery so our backs don’t hurt so bad.

Do you feel better now?

Then let’s begin.
What constitutes a fantasy?
You think this would be easy wouldn’t you? But are we talking about a passing thought that strikes you while walking down the street? Is it limited to what runs through your head during “alone time”? Do those thoughts fall into the same category as the things you think about when it comes to sex?

Brett Kahr, the author of “Who’s Been Sleeping In Your Head?” defines a fantasy as “a conscious thought…depicting a sexual act..sexual imagery and often sexual language which in many instances will produce pleasurable sensations ranging from mental enjoyment to physical stimulation of the genitalia.”

So, basically, a nerdy scientific way of saying “thoughts that get you off or make you feel sexy.”

In the interest of due diligence, let’s acknowledge that the possibilities for what constitutes a fantasy are endless. And whatever yours may be, I applaud you. We’re going to focus on the most common sexual fantasies as documented by multiple studies and surveys. If you’re personal preference isn’t on the list, don’t feel slighted. We could spend months trying to be exhaustive.

So without further ado; the five most common female sexual fantasies.

1. Sex with a stranger
2. Being worshiped in bed/Female dominance
3. Being dominated
4. Exhibitionism/being observed
5. Threesomes/group sex

Those are some broad categories and it’s going to take some time to go through this. And research. Lots and lots of research. But I do it so you don’t have to.

"Sigh." The things I endure for my readers.

“Sigh.” The things I endure for my readers.

You don’t have to thank me. It’s no trouble.

Over the next five posts, we’re going to explore these most common areas of sexual fantasy. I have to warn you though, it’s going to be more scientific than salacious. What drives our fantasies? Why do these things appeal to us? When are we okay to act on them?

And most importantly, can they add value to your relationships?

I can’t ask you to consider being more open in your relationship without giving you some insight on what we’ve experienced in our own.

It took us four years to figure out how to talk about sex. For four years, we were your typical awkward, uncomfortably silent couple. Our breakthrough came when I went on the road for several months. Somehow, the safety of talking over the phone allowed us to open up about how we were handling the time apart.

When we finally got back together, we were able to continue those conversations and realized that we actually wanted to talk about sex. We wanted to explore. We wanted to make it more fun. And most importantly, we could. We could make it more enjoyable. We could learn about each other, about what we actually wanted (or didn’t want) without upsetting one another.

Fast forward ten years. By now, she knows all about my fantasies of baking cupcakes nude with her and her sister. I’m pretty sure that she knows about everything but the cowboy boots.

It's squishy!

It’s squishy!

I’m not authorized to tell you about my wife’s fantasies. I’ll just tell you I’m a very luck guy.

Up next, the number one female sexual fantasy; Sex with a stranger.

chris-hemsworth-workout

Usually this one.

Why Are Men So Obsessed With Boobs?

Okay, I’m gonna ask for a bit of patience here. Asking why men are obsessed with boobs is a lot like asking, “why is the sky blue?” Sure there is probably some accurate, boring scientific answer, but as far as us normal folk are concerned the answer is, “What kind of question is that? Because. Just…because. What the hell?”

I’m not just posting this topic as an excuse to post lots of boob pics with witty captions,

Seriously. This is not why we're here.

Seriously. This is not why we’re here.

it was actually the result of a real conversation that occurred at our kids Tae Kwon Do class.

It began as most good controversies do; with women talking. One of our friends was complaining about her boobs, I believe in reference to buying bras.

Then the women go into one of those awkwardly personal conversations about their bra habits/preferences which leaves us men with no choice but to stare at their chests the whole time they are speaking because, hey, you have to educate yourself if you want to understand the conversation.

She ended up making a comment about wishing her boobs weren’t so big and we all went, “Eh?”

The subject of our discussion.

The subject of our discussion.

She isn’t built like a 12 year old boy, but she isn’t exactly suffering from lower back problems either. The other two participants were my wife, and a third mom who is a bit on the large side. She of course, suffers from DDD size breast which are not attractive by any measurable standard. At one point in the conversation, she turns to me and says, “Why are men so obsessed with boobs? What the hell is wrong with you guys?”

I basically acknowledged that yes, men love boobs of all shapes and sizes. We aren’t necessarily concerned with shape or size, we just like boobs. I told her that Ron White was dead on when he said, “Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn’t…want to go. But I ended up going, ’cause—back me up on this, fellas—once you’ve seen one woman naked, you…pretty much wanna see the rest of ’em naked.

Women do not understand this! But all the husbands in the group thought for a second and then nodded, “yeah, that’s about right”. The women were left shaking their heads.

Which leads me to an uncomfortable truth that I didn’t bring up at the time; if any woman in that group had said, “you wanna see my titties?” I would have said, “yeah, I do….okay, that’s enough. You can roll them back up.”

After our class, I had a few days to consider the question and realized I really did want to have an answer. After several days of giving it lots and lots of consideration (I’m willing to suffer for my work), I came to a conclusion.

We arrived at class a few nights later and I sat next to the fat chick (a term of endearment I assure you. She’s an awesome lady and she’s outspoken about her size. It’s cool) and leaned in close.

“I have an answer to your question.”
“What question.”
“Why are men obsessed with boobs.”

She shifted to face me and perked up. “Okay, I want to hear this. What have you got?”
“Men are obsessed with boobs because that’s where you keep the nipples.”

When she finally quit laughing, she asked me to explain.

Screw all those theories about evolutionary biology, pair bonding, and mate selection. Those are just excuses male scientist make for wanting to stare at nipples all day.

This is important scientific research. You uneducated peons wouldn't understand.

“This is important scientific research. You uneducated peons wouldn’t understand.”

Ladies, if you’ve ever had trouble trying to understand what all the fuss is about, it really is quite simple. We aren’t obsessed with boobs, we’re obsessed with nipples.

If they were located somewhere else, on your elbows perhaps, we probably wouldn’t give your boobs a second thought. But you’d have a hell of a time keeping us from rubbing up against you when standing in a crowd.

This led to an obvious follow up question which was much easier to answer: “Why are you so obsessed with nipples?”

Again, screw all the real science; I’m talking about real life here. So here it goes; my completely unscientific, totally anecdotal answer to one of life’s burning questions:

1. It is one of the few things you keep hidden from us.
In a world of yoga pants, thongs, and skin tight shirts, there really isn’t much that women today try to hide. From the waste down, you’re walking around damn near nude.

Seriously, what is the point?

Seriously, what was the point?

Unless you’re doubling up on the sports bras, we’ve got a pretty good idea of the size and shape of your breasts. But even with all of that, there is one part of your body that remains elusive.

When men first begin to encounter bras as teenagers, the concept of “support” is lost on us. We can sort of understand if you need to keep those puppies caged while playing sports or running, but for the most part we understand one single concept; you wear a bra to keep us from seeing your nipples.

We know this because every woman we know is extremely self conscious of being “nipply”. You want your breast to be prominent. You like the look of good cleavage, but you will cross your arms and cover yourself at the first sign of protruding nipples.

Ladies, let me ask a hypothetical.

You are home alone, hanging out with no bra on. Someone comes to the door and you don’t have time to throw one on. You answer the door with your arms crossed. Are you trying to keep us from seeing the natural state of your breasts, or are you keeping us from seeing the outline of your nipples?

From our perspective, your protectiveness of any evidence of nipple is a sign that it is something valuable and that intrigues us.

2. Movies and magazines have trained us to believe that is isn’t nudity unless there is nipple.

As much as we enjoy the sight of breasts, we don’t consider that we’ve seen you naked until we’ve seen nipple. And somehow, you women seem to agree with us. A woman will wear the skimpiest bikini on the market and proudly pose for pictures, but will be embarrassed to the point of death if there is even a hint of “nip slip”.

(I know you were hoping I’d throw in a photo to demonstrate, but I can’t quite bring myself to post nudity on this blog..so no.)

Actresses on television can show any and every part of their breasts without censoring except the nipple. Strippers can be completely topless as long as they wear pasties. In our current American culture, we’ve come to a consensus that nipples are the taboo part of the breast.

For example, topless women are a large part of the daily photos of one of my favorite sites, thechive.com. What you will notice though, is that they don’t include any uncovered nipples. The women in these photos, mostly selfies I might add, confirm in our simple men’s brains that we haven’t actually seen them nude because they covered their nipples.

 

See? Perfectly acceptable. No nudity here.

See? Perfectly acceptable. No nudity here.

Hey, I’m not saying it makes sense. I’m just saying it’s true.

3. Nipples are our only reliable visible indicators of sexual interest.

The immediate response to this point was, “That’s not fair. There are all sorts of things that make our nipples get hard.”

True, but the same applies to our dicks. It doesn’t matter. I get an erection every time the wind blows. But were you to see it, you aren’t going to assume that it’s because I have to take a piss. You would see it as a sign of sexual interest.

That’s how we see nipples. Obviously, I can rationally understand that a fully dressed woman walking through Wal-Mart isn’t pointing the headlights my way because she wants me. But what it does do is remind me that she is a sexual person capable of being aroused.

And that’s really all we care about, right guys? We want to know that the women around us are capable of wanting sex. Perky nipples don’t necessarily mean sexual availability, but they remind us of that potential.

Oh great. I just confirmed your worst fear, didn’t I ladies? When we men see evidence of your nipples, we get horny and there is nothing you can do about that. I would love to tell you that it isn’t true, but it is. Sorry.

But, take heart. Once you get past the creepiness factor of realizing that every guy has this reaction, even the creepy old man greeter at Wal-Mart, you will understand that you’re wielding an awful lot of power in those holsters.

Here’s an experiment; next time you find yourself a bit too pointy, get real coy, sway side to side a bit, and ask your guy for some outrageous favor. Not something impossible, like a new car, but something that he has no valid reason to comply with. “Farm boy, fetch me that pail.” You get the idea.

Don’t be surprised if you get an immediate, “As you wish.” Okay, maybe not immediate. He’ll likely take a moment to stare, but the point is, you win!

So be proud of those high beams, ladies. They are one of your most powerful weapons. Also be aware that it matters not what size you are. We are transfixed by nipples whether they are attached to an A cup, or DD’s. Although I will confess a personal preference for a full cleavage.

Say hi to Mrs. Big Dick Chronicles.

Say hi to Mrs. Big Dick Chronicles.

Okay, last thought. Here is something you ladies may not know. I took a poll of some of my buddies; would you rather see your woman in a skimpy bikini top, or in a full t-shirt with no bra?

The answer was unanimous;

This is sexier....

This

is sexier

Than this.

than this.

 

Okay ladies, I’m giving away of lot of guy secrets here. You got to put this information to good use, and by that I mean go seduce your men. With great power comes great responsibility and all that.

 

 

Married Men, If You Aren’t Getting Laid, I’ve Got Some Bad News For You…..

It’s not her, it’s you.

Man, I hate it when I have to do that.

So here is the deal guys, we talked a few days ago about why doing the dishes doesn’t get you laid. I snuck in a small detail and intentionally did not give it much attention because I wanted to explore it further in its own post.

Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.

There is a train of logic we need to follow here, so let’s begin:
1. She will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.
2. She isn’t having sex with you.
Therefore…..
3. She isn’t attracted to you.

Now, I understand there are degrees of attraction, it isn’t an either/or scenario. She can be attracted enough to sit by you on the couch. She might be attracted enough to kiss you and let you rub her boobs. Hopefully she doesn’t mace you when she meets in the dark hallway at night.

I’m also assuming that it was better at some point in the past. If your wife has never been into sex, this discussion probably will not change that.

But, if you are an otherwise alright guy and she isn’t putting out, she simply isn’t feeling enough attraction.

Even when it is her, it's still you.

Even when it is her, it’s still about you.

“But, but, women can still have sex even if they aren’t in the mood can’t they? She owes me that much.” (says my imaginary reader who doesn’t want to admit that his wife isn’t in to him)

You realize that every time you utter those words your dick shrinks, right?

A quick tutorial on some basic types of married sex.

1. Placating sex. She puts out just often enough to keep you quiet. Your dick shrinks.
2. Ovulation sex. She seems like another woman, but only a couple times a month. Makes you feel like a Big Dick, but leaves you wondering what the hell happened when you get shot down a couple days later.
3. Comfort sex. Sometimes it just feels nice. It’s a bonding thing. No real change in your dick size.
4. Let’s save it for a minute.

Which of these three make you feel like a man? If you have testicles, none of them.

The first one makes you feel like a needy, whiny bitch. If you’ve ever had to say the word “please” to have sex with your wife, it falls in category one and that’s a hell of a place to be.

The second has nothing to do with you. It’s part of your wife’s natural cycle and she’d hump you in your sleep if she had to. Your level of attraction has very little to do with it.

The third is fine for building that secure relationship, but it is still focused on her need for comfort rather than her attraction to you.

So, what is number four? Four is the cock worshipping, pull my hair and call me Sally, mind blowing orgasm sex that all men crave.

And you don’t get that from doing dishes. You get cock worshipping sex when she has a reason to worship your cock. You get mind blowing orgasms when she knows she’s in the hands of a master lover who can overcome her inhibitions and drag them out of her kicking and screaming.

A quick word on what makes a good lover. As a recovering Nice Guy, I thought my job was to be the most attentive, technically proficient lover my wife could ask for. My focus was fully on trying to make sure she reached orgasm every time. It blew my mind when I found out I was doing it wrong.

Do you remember Revenge of the Nerds, where Lewis sneaks in and has sex with the cheerleader while she thinks it’s her boyfriend? She has a mind blowing orgasm and discovers that nerds make better lovers because “all we think about is sex”.

Bullshit, that scene actually ends up looking like Jonah Hill in the opening scene of The Sitter. He gives her a mind blowing orgasm and she laughs off the suggestion that she would return the favor.

Are you kidding me? This mouth is only for my asshole boyfriend.

“Are you kidding me? This mouth is only for my asshole boyfriend.”

Here’s the deal. No matter how much technical proficiency you have, your wife simply is not going to hand her body over to you to be used as your personal cum dumpster (admit it ladies, that really is the best sex), if she isn’t attracted to you.

Here is my proof. Think back to the early years of your relationship. The typical story is that you fucked like bunnies in the beginning. She would do anything, anytime, anywhere. Now, you’re a decade in and she hides behind granny panties and a bathrobe that covers her head to toe.

STOP!!! But what about the dishes?!!? (Says imaginary readers wife who doesn’t want to admit that she isn’t in to him)

I’ll say it again: Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you.

Case in point: Brian is in a new relationship and they are still in the “anything, any time, any where” phase. But they aren’t a couple of 20 something college kids. They are in their 30’s, he has two kids and she has three. Do you think that a clean kitchen is a prerequisite for sex when they are together? Nope. They find a time and place for sex. It’s at the top of the “to do” list? Why, because they are attracted to each other.

Check out this post from the marriedmansexlife forum for some interesting examples of what women will do when they are feeling attracted to their man.

So, what changed? Barring medical issues, nothing but you. In the beginning, you gave her a reason to crave your cock, now you’re trying to buy your way in once a week.

Sorry guys, you changed, not her. She just followed your lead.

I realize I need to make an allowance for the bait and switch. If you’re married to a woman who still laughs when she hears “why are brides so happy on their wedding day? Because they know they just gave their last blowjob”, you’ve got a lot of work to do. That’s a post for another day.

So, what can be done about this? What can you do to rebuild the attraction she used to feel and restore her to her former “anything, any time, any place” ways?

1. Get in shape.
Take a look around you. Most of us are on the down hill run by our mid-30’s. The hair is leaving, or turning gray. You’ve gained weight. The six pack turned into a keg. I’ve been very fortunate that I actually look better now at 36 than I did at 19. It took me forever to fill out. I was too thin to be attractive, but I’m working on it now.

Go exercise. Now! You’re running out of time. The longer you wait, the slower your body is to respond. If you want your wife to eyeball you like the hunk of man meat that you are, get in shape.

2. Dress like you got a pair.
We just talked about this one a few days ago. This was a tough hurdle for me. I wanted there to be a way that I could be attractive without having to…you know…look attractive. It doesn’t work, gents. She might love you for who you are in the inside, but she isn’t going to love you unless you present her with something worth seeing. Asking her to love you in spite of your appearance is basically just lazy narcissism.

3. When you do get in the game, you gotta drive it like you stole it.

Sorry about mixing the metaphors, I’ve just been dying to say that.

No more of this Nice Guy bullshit. Your wife isn’t looking for someone to foot massage her to an orgasm. As long as she is healthy and emotionally functional, she wants you to lust after her.

Even when a woman wants a man to “worship” her, she doesn’t want him spending every moment in the bedroom saying, “Is this okay honey? Should I be a little more to the left? Should I try a different position?” She just wants to know that she affects you so strongly that you lose control and ravage her in response to her sexual prowess.

”But not my wife. She never wants sex”

Yeah, but that’s because you suck at it.

How do I know? Because most guys do. Study after study says that average sex lasts 5-7 minutes. The doctor quoted in this article says “Very few people have intercourse that goes longer than 12 minutes.”

Welcome to Big Dick living my friends.

Mi amigos, if you want your wife to worship your dick you better be serving up the goods. How worked up do you expect her to get in anticipation of 5-7 minutes? If you want an extraordinary response from your wife, you better be offering up some extraordinary sex.

Okay, so what if you’ve tried all of this and still no response? You need to head on over to marriedmansexlife forum. I’m not here to play therapist for lost causes. This advice is for the guys who should be getting it right, and can’t quite figure out why they aren’t.

If your wife isn’t attracted to you, the problem is you, not her. Figure out what you need to change to get her attention and then do it. Just ask yourself, what would you do if you were in charge of this situation? For starters, you would look and act like you were in charge.

And once again, that is the whole goal of Big Dick living.

Married Men…Doing the Dishes Won’t Get You Laid

One day when I was in high school, I listened to a conversation my basketball coach and my father were having. My coach was talking about the number of parents who came to him and complained that their kid didn’t get to play enough.

Over and over again, he got the question “Why can’t you just give them a chance?” His answer was always the same;

“I see your kid every day in practice. He can’t hit a shot in practice, he won’t hit it during the game. He doesn’t hustle on defense, he won’t hustle during the game.”

It all came down to- “You play like you practice”.

In the first year of our marriage, sex was very infrequent. There were lots of factors at play; different schedules, my wife still finishing college, the stress of being independent from her parents, etc.

But the single biggest reason was me.

Because we were infrequent, when we finally did have sex, I didn’t last very long. This of course was unsatisfying for both of us. I felt cheated out of my once a month sex and my wife was left wondering why she even bothered. In a particularly weak attempt to defend myself, I told her, “You know, if we did this more often I would last longer.”

Ugh.

I was, in essence, pleading “Put me in coach!” If you would put me the in the game more often, I would perform better. I’m not getting enough game time and that’s why I’m shooting air balls and double dribbling.

But in reality, I was playing like I practiced.

I’m secure enough now to acknowledge that I was a horrible lover to my wife at that time. I don’t just mean in the bedroom. My day to day “practice” sessions were just bad. I didn’t know how to read her. I didn’t know how to approach her. I tried to convince her that I would be a stud for her in bed, but there was nothing studly about my day to day actions.

She watched me practice all day long and it wasn’t pretty. Then at bed time, I would try to convince her that I was capable of so much more than I had been showing her.

She didn’t buy it.

Gentleman, listen up. If you aren’t getting laid, it’s because you suck in practice. Plain and simple. If I may be so bold, let me offer a few suggestions that you need to put into practice immediately.

1. Stop doing things for sex.
If I hear one more married woman complain that she might be in the mood for sex if her husband would help with the dishes, there’s gonna be a beatin’.

Let’s be very clear about this, yes, relieving stress may help a woman be more relaxed to enjoy sex, but it absolutely does not increase her attraction to you and that has to come first.

For example. Wife is in the kitchen putting away groceries and you take the opportunity to walk up and nuzzle her neck. You get that snarky, “I might think about it if I wasn’t stuck in the kitchen for four hours a night!” response to your touch.

That sounds like an invitation right? You help her in the kitchen and she’ll put out tonight. So you jump in. Or, perhaps you’ve been here before so you are prepared. You get there before she even asks. You’ve got the car unloaded and put away before she can even get the key out of the ignition. You are absolutely getting in the game tonight. Right?

You dumb bastard.

We both know how this ends. You help with the chores and bedtime rolls around and you get the, “You never do anything to help me unless you think it’s gonna get you laid.”

What just happened here?

It’s simple: putting away groceries isn’t sexy. Bathing the kids isn’t sexy. Helping with the cooking; not sexy. Doing the laundry; not sexy. These things are never going to make your wife crave your dick. Never.

She doesn’t appreciate your help because you have an ulterior motive. You feel cheated because she didn’t follow through. She feels justified in telling you no and your only recourse is to try harder next time, or stop. Of course, this just leads back to the start of the cycle where she says you aren’t getting sex because she’s too tired. Rinse and repeat.

How about this: Do these things because you should. Help out when needed because it is the right thing to do. Or, don’t, if you wife is just being lazy or is an entitled princess type who just wants to be catered to.

Break the connection between sex and chores. Hell, break the connection between sex and any activity that you do with the expectation that sex will be your reward or payment.

Your wife will have sex with you when she is attracted to you. Which leads us to exercise number two-

2. Touch your wife. Often. With no expectation of sex.
Have you ever heard this one? “I don’t kiss you back because every time I do, you think it’s going to lead to sex.”

Let’s track this vicious cycle: You go for the passionate kiss, she responds. You escalate. If she knows this is coming, it changes to: You go for the kiss, she pulls away. Then the only time she does respond is when she wants to escalate. So the feedback you get is, “If she responds, we’re on for sex”. You think it’s going to lead for sex because that is the response she has trained you to expect.

Let’s reset the dynamic. Touch her, kiss her, nuzzle her neck. Then walk away. Even if she responds, do not escalate. If she asks why you did that, keep it simple. “Because you’re hot.” “I appreciate a nice ass” “Because I can”.

This does a couple of things. It gets both of you comfortable with touch for touch’s sake. No ulterior motives. She can feel secure in responding to you without having to worry about saying no to sex.

But at the same time, it keeps that physical aspect of your relationship near the surface. You are building responsive desire throughout the day. You are setting a mood for her to be attracted to you. BUT! It isn’t designed to lead to sex.

I love fondling my wife. I can make due with less sex as long as I’ve got access to her body. If I can walk up and stick my hand up her shirt and get a nice long kiss, that will tide me over for longer than you would expect. We’re building a sexual relationship, not just a relationship with sex.

Speaking of sex-

3. When you initiate, don’t stop until she stops you.
This can be a bit tricky to decipher. You approach and get the “Really? Tonight?” type response. If you are a Nice Guy, you stop right there. God forbid you press on and feel like a jerk for not respecting her boundaries.

But here is the reality; this actually means “spend 10 more minutes on the tits and try again.” Your wife is designed to respond to you. If you stop now, she hasn’t had a chance to flip the switch. If you keep going, there is a good chance that her body will respond. Then, you’re in like Flynn.

It could also be that she’s messing with you. Maybe she wants you to work for it a bit. Stopping short just proves that you don’t have the cajones to take what you want.

If she isn’t into it, you’ll know it. It will sound like this; “No”.

The following are true stories from our marriage. As you read them, ask yourself, at what point would you have stopped?

Almost time to get the kids from school, we were both home. I start groping at her and kissing on her neck and get token protests, but she doesn’t stop me. I sit her down in the chair, kissing on her. She is thoroughly unimpressed, but doesn’t stop me so I keep going.

Zero response from her, so I pull her up and walk her up the stairs, unbuttoning her pants as we go. I literally push her, heels dug in, to the edge of the bed. Pull her pants down and take her from behind as she stands there bent over the bed completely immobile.

The entire time, the Nice Guy in me is screaming, “This is wrong! You’re being a F@#$ a-hole! She is hating you right now.” But I reminded myself that she would stop me if she really wanted to.

I finish, start getting dressed and ready to go. She cleans up then says she going to take a nap, see you in a little while.

I wanted to so bad to ask her if I had done something wrong, but I controlled myself. I came back with the kids and curled up in bed with her and she nestled into me. Everything was fine.

We talked about it later. Sometimes she enjoys just letting me take her like that. She enjoys the mock pissed off-ness of it. She confirmed that she would not do it if she didn’t want to. She would have been pissed if I had asked her if she was mad at me.

Example 2

I wake my wife up with a kiss and soft caress.

Her: Your breath smells like coffee.
Me: You haven’t brushed your teeth. We’re even.

Her:I have to pee
Me: Is that your new default answer?
Her: Do you want me to back to “I’ve got a headache?”

(She rolls away from me. I start kissing her shoulders and back of her neck. Hands move to her breast.)
Her: So, hows that taste? Tastes like rejection doesn’t it?
Me: Taste just fine. (Keep kissing and squeezing)
Her: Ow, that hurts. (maybe a bit hard on the nipple, maybe not)
(I adjust and start kissing it to make it feel better)
No response from her, just a change in breathing. Good sign, keep going.

Suddenly she rolls over on her belly. I start to pull her pants off. Absolutely no response from her. Pure dead weight.

Her: (as I fumble to get the pants off her feet) I’m impressed by your expertise.
Me: I get the job done.

Pants off, insert fingers. Immediate response from her. No talking.

(after a minute or so of this) Her: I told you I have to pee.
Me: Yeah, but you didn’t.

Another minute later, she jumps up
Her: Okay, I really gotta pee now.

She comes back. We have sex.

If you’re sex life is lacking, it’s time for you to take charge. I challenge you to try implementing these three changes and see what the response is.

If it doesn’t work, it means she isn’t attracted to you. We can talk about that next time.

Masturbation; You’re Doing It Wrong

A recent survey indicated that approximately 80% of men ages 30-39 masturbate…. and the other 20% lied about it. That makes jerkin the gerkin about as common as breathing. As a college buddy once told me, “we talk about masturbation like we talk about the weather” and that’s what we’re going to do today.

Here at the Big Dick Chronicles, we talk about ways to improve your awesomeness. If there was ever a topic that seemed to straddle the line between Big Dick and beta schlub, it is the topic of masturbation. While nearly every guy does it, it tends to fall in the same category as picking your nose; yes, you’re going to do it, just don’t do it where anybody can see you and don’t tell anyone about it.

So, is there a way to turn your regular, lonely,  Tuesday night game of pocket pool into a feat of awesome manliness? I don’t know, but we’re sure gonna give it a try!

Let’s start with the question of “is there anything inherently wrong with masturbating?” My unequivocal answer is “hell no”. It’s mine and I can play with it if I want. There is nothing sinful about it and last I checked, it hadn’t affected my eye sight at all. And besides, it’s fun!

"This is the highlight of my day"

“This will be the highlight of my day”

With that said, let’s examine a couple of situations where it can become a problem. It isn’t so much about what you’re doing (unless you’re David Carradine) but why you’re doing it that needs to be examined.

Illustrating his famous two handed "pelican snatches a snake" technique.

Illustrating his famous two handed “crane snatches a snake” technique.

1. You aren’t getting enough sex.
This is probably the most common reason for spanking it and understandably so. You get the urge, the wife isn’t interested and you’ve got two perfectly good hands. You rub it out and move on. What could go wrong?

Well, first, it doesn’t address the problem of why aren’t you getting laid? It’s much easier to choose not to address a problem if you have another solution that you decide is “good enough to get you by”. Masturbation provides a buffer to insulate you from the pain of not getting regular, fulfilling sex with your wife.

There is a psychological concept called “the pain of change vs the pain of staying the same.” Basically, you will endure whatever level of pain you are currently feeling as long as you perceive the pain of change to be greater. Only when the pain of your current situation becomes too much will you seek out change.

There are dozens of reasons why trying to change the situation would seem painful, but you have to compare it to the pain you’re feeling in a low sex marriage. Masturbation to relieve the pain only serves to skew the dynamic of the pain of change vs the pain of the same and prolong your current misery.

Second, if you’re wife turns you down and you go take care of it, what incentive does she have to tell you yes? You’ll get sex when she wants sex and leave her alone the rest of the time. You can complain about a lack of sex, but as long as she knows you’ll go away, don’t expect significant change to take place.

2. You’re doing it to avoid sex.
You laugh, but it happens. Every guy has the urge for sex, but that doesn’t mean we all think we’re studs. Performance anxiety is a bitch and some guys will go to great links to avoid it. Relieving the pressure in order to resist the urge to approach your wife is pretty dysfunctional, but the bigger issue is the problem that drives it.

If it’s performance anxiety, why aren’t you working on improving yourself? The whole purpose of this website is to motivate you to go be awesome. If sex is your weak spot, get to work!

If you seen so much porn that you can’t get aroused by your wife unless she’s got a gag ball in her mouth and wearing your aunt’s underwear, cut that shit out. She deserves better than that.

Maybe you’re doing it out of spite; she’s turned you down 57 times in a row, but now she’s getting all touchy feely. You want to say, “Screw you” but that’s like cutting off your dick to spite your balls. The better revenge would be to pound her into the mattress and make her wonder why she waited so long.

3. What’s fueling your sessions?
The big morality issue with masturbation comes in when you discuss what’s going through your head while you massage your meat. The vast majority of guys are pulling up the porn to pull on their pud.

There are a couple of questions to consider here. First, do you think it’s wrong? The sexual urge is damn hard to resist. If you believe porn is wrong, but you’ve tied it to this irresistible urge, you are setting yourself up for a serious bout of cognitive dissonance. That’s a situation where you can’t emotionally reconcile your actions and your beliefs. You tell yourself porn is wrong and you want to stop, but you just can’t. Suddenly you are associating your sexuality with shame and guilt.

Second, does your spouse think it’s wrong? When they say porn damages marriages, it usually revolves around the fact that you’re bringing something into the marriage that the wife can’t accept. She knows you aren’t satisfied and now you are turning to an unrealistic fantasy woman that she can’t compete with. So begins a vicious cycle; she isn’t attracted to you, you withdraw to porn. She becomes less attracted to you and you withdraw more.

We aren’t trying to resolve the porn debate here, so I’ll stop there.

4. It creates separation between you and your wife.
This is where I actually make a recommendation for how to improve your situation. Several years ago, my wife and I discussed her feelings about me choking the chicken. She had no problems with it. It seemed to fill the gaps between my drive and hers. I will admit, at the time I was fine with that scenario.

What I realize now is that our arrangement meant a good portion of my sex life was not conducted with my wife. Like most guys, it never crossed my mind to play the skin flute while she lay next to me. I know; sometimes this is private time and you don’t necessarily want an audience, but if you are trying to build intimacy with your wife, try this-

Don’t leave the room.

First, it’s your bed, too. You’ve got just as much right to conduct yourself there as your wife does. If you are getting turned down for sex, but still feeling the urge, proceed without her. If she has a problem with it, she can leave the room. If you are generally a shower wacker, save it for the bedroom.

I realize we all fear looking like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, but get over it. There are a couple of possible outcomes here:
1. She rejects it.
That’s too bad. She needs to find someplace to be for the next five minutes. It needs to be clear that this is the outcome of her rejecting sex. Not in a pissy way either, you’re a man for crying out loud. Don’t sulk your way through it trying to make her feel bad. Your attitude needs to be, “There will be sex in this bed tonight, with or without you”.

2. She confronts reality.
Perhaps she will realize that this is the real way her marriage has been functioning for some time. Remember, this is mostly your fault. You are the one who has been providing the buffer by choosing to handle it yourself. She just assumed everyone was fine with the arrangement.

Watching you beat your meat may cause her to consider that perhaps she should be more involved in the process. Which brings us to number three:

3. She gets more involved in the process.
Last night, we were lying in bed, talking about random life stuff. We had been touchy enough during the night, but I just didn’t get the impression that she was in the mood for sex. So I lay there and started to rub one out. We just kept talking and after several minutes, the conversation was winding down. I’m enjoying rubbing on her leg as I go and she was fine to let me.

After several minutes, I was satisfied; no need to take it to completion. She asked, “aren’t you going to finish?” Nope, I’m good. We talked for a minute, then I reached over to kiss her good night. The kiss got deeper. I decided I might want to keep going after all. As I got close, I asked her if she wanted to help me finish, which she gladly did. In fact, I think she has chosen to assist every time I’ve done this.

When does masturbation work best? When it brings you closer to your wife. As we discovered, she can’t finish you off if you’re in the other room.